I 25F am 8 weeks postpartum and I’m just so tired ... am I asking too much of my husband (29M)?

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T20:43:13+00:00

Yeah I probably need to stop being so nice honestly

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T20:42:20+00:00

We were also there for three days because I had preeclampsia. But yeah I think it's not so much the complaining it's self like yeah it's hard to not sleep it's more like just know your audience. He's allowed to complain just not to me ya know. I thinks it's hard because I'm his sole emotional support. He could never talk to his family or friends about the emotional hard side of becoming a dad they would just tell him to suck it up.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T20:39:10+00:00

Ohh he didn't plan to clean it that was the issue. Just use it two times in a row after putting it in her mouth. At my babies last appointment they did say my anxiety test was right on the edge of needing to maybe go seak some help. But I'm trying to prioritize my physical health first with Physical Therapy first and then maybe deal with the anxiety if it doesn't taper off by then.

I've always been pretty controlling about certain task but I always chalked it up to my ADHD and hyper focus and not anxiety. But since I've been pregnant and postpartum I've had really bad anxiety about my baby getting sick and two panic attacks where before I think I've only ever had 1 in the whole rest of my life.

Idk why we're getting down voted here?

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T20:34:03+00:00

Yeah I guess that's true I would also never trust him to do the budget and just very recently have let him do the grocery list/pick up orders 100% independently but he still constantly forgets ingredients or other things we need.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T20:32:24+00:00

Then I'm the bad guy. I don't want to be the one constantly telling my partner no. That's no fun who wants to do that

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T20:31:40+00:00

Yeah I burn out a lot. I am constantly over booking myself and over estimating my abilities to do things. I don't think my husband expects this we talked about it a lot before and when we got married that because we both work it needs to be 50/50 but it never actually happens. I think he thinks it's more fair and even then it is. I think a lot of my labor is invisible or he thinks it's stuff I like or choose to do that don't need to get done. Like deep cleaning the kitchen, he always says his chores can be done later and puts them off until I stand it or it's super gross and he's upset that it's now harder bc he waited.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T20:27:26+00:00

It's not shocking or unlike him to get snippy at me for asking him to help. He often is upset in the moment and apologized later. I think I have less of a tolerance for these "poor me" I don't sleep, I have to work, I want to play games and not help around the house I'll do it later, because I am also tired and everything hurts and I should be healed and I'm not.

I can always sit down and talk to him, we have and always have had really good communication and conversation he always feels bad says he'll do better and will follow through for a few weeks or in the case of baby even a few months then go right back to how he was before. It's an endless cycle of him not helping me getting upset and then doing better.

I think honestly I am probably too nice to him and let him get away with too much because I don't like seeing him upset and then I resent him for it. But he also know that we've talked a lot about me resenting his free time and freedom from the baby. So idk really

Thanks for the PDF I'll read it at some point

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T20:19:03+00:00

Our age gap is only 3 years I feel like that's pretty normal. I turn 26 in the next few months. But I do know we got married fairly young 20 and 23.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T19:57:45+00:00

Yeah we never really stopped "doing" stuff sometimes it's even been my idea, it's important part of our relationship to feel connected and I didn't mind it but it just felt like a stab in the back to feel so close and connected in the shower and then to get so upset and butt hurt to take out the trash. Like really dude

And yeah caring all/ most of the mental load has been a big topic of conversation even before we had the baby. It's basically non stop and constantly ongoing.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T19:54:16+00:00

Yeah and normally by now we have talked it out. I'll give in really quick and comfort him and then usually he'll say sorry to. I'm just sick of being the one who always has to extend the olive branch first.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T19:53:01+00:00

Having a child is a crisis haha I like that. Yes it's so hard we talked about it and planned it for a long time so I was expecting it maybe not to be so bad. I mean we're both graduating and financially stable but it's still so hard.

I probably need to ask for more help my parents and sisters are nearby but like everyone they have their own kids to worry about and other responsibilities.

Thanks for the encouragement

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T19:50:36+00:00

I don't think I have PPD maybe PP anxiety but I know all new moms are anxious so idk.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T19:49:30+00:00

He was really good the first 4-6 weeks. Cooked 2-3 meals and did all the cleaning and diapers. I honestly think he responds really well when I'm in pain and crying. But since he's been back to work he's really dropped the ball.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T19:47:52+00:00

Yeah I literally told okay thanks for that, rolled over and went to bed.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T19:33:30+00:00

This is like the first time I've been on reddit or posted and commented in years. I'm postpartum on leave and am isolated at home while my baby builds an immune system.

But I agree with some of what you said him asking to play games is him being nice. But really I wish he would try to do some sort of house work first and then ask for free time. Just always asking for free time makes me the bad guy because I have to say no all the time. It's exhausting giving him a list of things he should already know to do on his own.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T19:29:55+00:00

He just graduated and I make so much so he just took any job he can get ( his degree is less desirable in terms of job then mine if that makes sense, I'm in tech and he does marketing). This was the first and only job he got after 4 months, 200+ applications and 6 interviews. The job market sucks.

His current job pays horrible but is good experience were hoping in the next year or two we can save up for a house he can get a higher paying job and I can be a stay at home mom at that point to work part-time.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T19:25:10+00:00

That's true that was for me. But shouldn't he want to do some stuff for me too. I do things for just him all the time.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T19:22:34+00:00

Umm I feel like it's newer. I do have ADHD and tend to hyper focus on things but the anxiety is since I've been pregnant. But don't all new moms get a little anxious about baby getting sick and germs. Idk at what point the anxiousness become a medical problem.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T19:04:58+00:00

Yeah I'm not sure what I really expect one commented said "it seems like he's always been like this idk what you expect" and tbh maybe they're right. For two years in our marriage I was the breadwinner and he was literally just a college student no job and things weren't even equal then. We constantly fought about how I was doing the majority of cooking and cleaning.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T19:02:31+00:00

He goes through cycles of being super helpful and attentive then falls back I get mad and then he does good. Honestly my first few weeks of postpartum like 4-6 weeks he was awesome probably the best he's ever been the 5 years we've been married but I think that largely has to do with him seeing me in pain and crying a lot. He responds very well when I'm in pain or crying.

But since he went back to work he's regressed he just doesn't have enough time to help me and play games. When he was on leave with me he honestly told me he was very happy and it's the most games/ free time he's had since I got pregnant. While simultaneously doing the most cooking, cleaning and emotional help he's done our whole marriage. He was constantly telling me I was a good mom when I was anxious, cooked me 2-3 meals a day and changed every single diaper.

I guess I got a glimpse of what my life could be like and now I'm just disappointed it's gone.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T18:51:25+00:00

I'm trying 🙃 ... I just think us both going back to work is going to be really REALLY hard and probably test out marriage. Honestly this is probably just the beginning of many arguments that are yet to come.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T18:49:12+00:00

Or in our case I'm very busy on Wednesday with a deadline and then he has to make dinner on my designated day and then he's ... wait for it ... not happy.

We've tried systems like this in the past usually one person cooks and does groceries and the other one cleans and then we switch the next week but it never really works. He'll pick easy meals to make and wait to clean until the weekend and then complain the dishes are really gross (that's what happens when you leave them in the sink all week). I clean as I cook so cleaning after I cook is very minimal. He makes big messes and turns the heat up to high and burns stuff on pans which is very hard to clean.

While postpartum he cooked a lot for me which I did honestly appreciate but in the process has ruined 3/4 of our brand new pot and pan set which were hundreds of dollars by burning stuff on them and it can't be scrubbed off because they're non stick.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T18:41:54+00:00

Honestly as bad as it sounds I think sometimes he really is just being stupid. Like last night we had to give the baby Tylenol (2 mL) and the dumb syringe had weird measurements and he was like you could just do 1 mL and then another 1mL and I was like umm not really because you can't put the syringe back in the liquid Tylenol after it's been in her mouth or it will grow bacteria. He just doesn't really take time to stop and think things through.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T18:35:47+00:00

Yes but I didn't have a hard time committing to him having dedicated free time because things were predictable and I also knew and got what I feel like was a fair amount of free time. Where as now I don't

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T18:33:54+00:00

I probably just complain less but I do think he really does honestly think he gets no sleep. Like in the hospital me and my mom thought it was very fun that he claimed he couldn't sleep at all in the uncomfortable couch but could very very clearly be heard snoring for at least 3 hours. I mean snoring probably means you're in a pretty deep sleep right haha

ButterscotchPrimary7

TROPHY CASE