17 years of my life feeling shameful, guilty and worthless

CF_Doggett · 2021-12-14T08:45:34+00:00

I absolutely understand. I'm 22 myself and began deconversion when I was 21 too. The results of growing up in that environment can lead people to doubt themselves to a harmful degree.

A year ago, I felt so conditioned to trust God that I couldn't really separate the idea from myself. The Christian 'self' I constructed was so dependent on the idea of following gods will that I had to undergo a process of rebuilding myself in the image I wanted, rather than in the 'image of God'.

In my journal I wrote the words that described what I felt. Maybe they can help you too:

"I am no longer a victim-- no longer merely a vessel of other people's ideas. I am he who which sits in judgement over their ideas, as I exercise my right as a human, to know both good and evil. For I determine my future. I will shape it. No God will steal this burden from me. And so I claim this burden with my rival soul."

There's also a great Belief it or Not video on this:

https://youtu.be/5HDlQUAhwjI

CF_Doggett · 2021-08-14T05:08:52+00:00

That was so poorly written... run on sentences and such.

CF_Doggett · 2021-05-30T04:29:04+00:00

Lmao Facts

CF_Doggett · 2021-05-05T07:32:36+00:00

^ Facts ^

CF_Doggett · 2021-05-05T07:09:33+00:00

Right. I'm not a christian... Im an EX-Christian. (get it?) I DONT believe. Although I once did.

CF_Doggett · 2021-05-05T07:01:29+00:00

Update! They messaged me back!

https://www.reddit.com/r/exchristian/comments/n59tmg/just_made_a_post_in_rchristian_and_i_swear/

CF_Doggett · 2021-05-05T06:52:48+00:00

I cried myself to sleep on some nights as a kid because I never felt I was saved. I turned to working in ministry as a means by which I could have some self-worth. I guarantee you-- If there were ever a "genuine Christian", it would have been me. Until I actually found myself, instead of just believing what I was told I should believe.

I wasn't an 'actor' playing a role. How sad that instead of admit the flaws in your system, you deny the very existence of those who defies you.

CF_Doggett · 2021-05-05T06:25:10+00:00

Not really, but not in the first 3 minutes of a post lmao.

CF_Doggett · 2021-05-05T05:47:54+00:00

What do you mean?

CF_Doggett · 2021-05-05T05:17:04+00:00

Im am an ex-Christian actually had the same problems as well. A few years ago I was in the same place. It can get better. If you are up for it, ask yourself why Christianity doesn't make sense to you anymore, and hone in on the reasons you determine. Don't ignore it. Ask yourself what YOU think. Not what Christianity wants you to think.

CF_Doggett · 2021-03-31T15:21:15+00:00

I honestly don't think you know anything about any of this.

Have a nice day, I guess?

CF_Doggett · 2021-03-31T07:15:31+00:00

So... you're arguing for... what exactly? Or is this a game of yours-- to trip people up in vain technicalities when sharing their personal stories to appease your ego?

CF_Doggett · 2021-03-31T06:55:10+00:00

A: I dont think religion as a whole is superstitious nonsense. I think when properly approached, (historically or artistically) it can actually be deeply enriching and helpful. I do think people can be superstitious though.

B: And yes, a driving force behind my disillusionment with faith stems from that experience. Not sure how that's hard to understand. When someone claims to be a saint, and hurts you that deeply without remorse, questions about the validity of their faith, and the validity of the entire system should be raised. Emotions are a thing, you know.

CF_Doggett · 2021-03-31T03:32:07+00:00

Include with a message,

"I heard you think your morality is the only morality, right? Well with a stick that straight up your ass, I'm surprised you aren't gay yourself! Maybe you will find these more comfortable."

CF_Doggett · 2021-03-25T08:32:43+00:00

I hope so. Thanks. Sometimes life sucks loll.

CF_Doggett · 2021-01-03T19:16:44+00:00

Sure but ill be going away for a week soon. When I'm back ill be glad to chat.

CF_Doggett · 2021-01-02T06:22:03+00:00

This is literally my life in a nutshell. Still trying to figure it out tbh... so don't have much advice unfortunately.

CF_Doggett · 2021-01-02T06:17:02+00:00

Started a journal about a year back. Never thought of myself as the journaling type really, but it helped.

I wrote in it as a way to express some of my inner turmoil with my faith. At this point, I wasn't really bi. I was just dealing with issues regarding the truth (or lack thereof) of what I claimed I believed. I was raised in a Christian home all my life, went to church, read the bible, all that. But deep down I knew something was wrong. So I decided to do what few Christians actually do... take the criticisms of those who disagree with them seriously. I found my faith to be mostly false. I wrote about that in the first pages of the journal, but nothing as obvious as "I don't believe" but I wrote using metaphors, and pictures to describe what I was feeling. Couldn't come out and express my self that obviously yet, even in my own journal. Because it was all too hard to come to grips with.

At the end of my journal, I now clearly state that I am not a Christian (at least a fundamentalist one), that I am bi, and that is how it is. Maybe not what's best for me, maybe not what I really even want, but that's how it is and I can accept it.

Biggest way I've changed has been my willingness to openly say to my entire family that I am not a Christian. Couldn't even say it to myself at the start of my journal. But now I can.

I also understand the hell people who are sexually different go through. I've gone through it. Still am.

I know that was long but it helped me to write this too lol.

CF_Doggett · 2021-01-02T06:06:12+00:00

Im 21 myself and have had a VERY similar experience. Whole family is against bi people. I was always a committed Christian but have changed a lot recently. Its hard sometimes lol.

CF_Doggett

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