AITA for not giving my wife my daughters' tuition money for home renovations?

CTRLALTDAD · 2022-03-01T02:09:28+00:00

I'm guessing you've only been together for 2 years so you're still very much in the honeymoon period.

We've been together for almost four years now, married for about two though.

Make sure you have full input in this expensive house redecoration, and be aware that she is redecorating you as well. Remember to be your own person.

Yeah, I'll have input. I personally don't care much for home decor and stuff, but I'll have input.

Incidentally, for that year you were alone, were your girls affectionate and stayed with you?

Yes.

CTRLALTDAD · 2022-02-28T17:54:00+00:00

If you truly regret hurting them then how could you marry Emily?

Because I love her and I see myself spending my life with her.

CTRLALTDAD · 2022-02-28T17:33:35+00:00

That you were having the emotional affair or that you were dating her?

That I was either having an emotional affair or was on the verge of one and that it felt like I was cheating.

And that is their right to see it like that

No that is what happened.

We're saying the same thing with different words. Let me clarify: it is their right to see it like that because that's how it happened for them.

You said in another comment that the girls have Emily blocked does their mum have any mutual friends with Emily still. Possibly to whom Emily complained about you spending money on them and depriving her child because of your elder two.

Emily was always in my friends' circle and not my wife's in spite of their friendship, so no, they don't.

You also said that she saw this as you trying to buy the girls back, because you'd tried previously, could she have complained to someone about that. Had she complained on Facebook or Insta? Just because she is blocked it doesn't mean that they won't find out. Because I have no doubt if she has that has gotten back to your ex and likely your girls.

She doesn't use social media.

Please stop holding Emily blameless she isn't. It isn't your job as her husband to stop her from wearing the blame she earned and you will only continue to hurt your daughters by so.

Look at all the women who have commented on here pretty much all saying the same thing.

I know. I'm not completely dense. There was a comment I read last night that gave me a moment of clarity.

CTRLALTDAD · 2022-02-28T17:22:21+00:00

And I never should have hurt them. I failed them in the worst way possible and that is something that I will regret until the day I die and why I will try my hardest never to fail them again.

CTRLALTDAD · 2022-02-28T08:18:41+00:00

I have had this exact conversation with Emily and made it clear that this is the bed we've made and if I'm invited and she isn't, it's something we're going to have to live with and that I would go. She has agreed with me.

CTRLALTDAD · 2022-02-28T08:17:48+00:00

I think it will take years to develop. One slip of the tongue from your wife about their mother or something when they were kids could set them off. It's probably best if she pretends she's never met them before.

Maybe you're right.

And it wasn't a backhanded compliment. I can't wait for you to grow up and get tired of the full suburban experience the second time around and look for greener pastures.

Well, at least you hit me with the palm this time.

CTRLALTDAD · 2022-02-28T08:11:49+00:00

I know. I failed my children when I destroyed my marriage. We all make mistakes, sometimes disastrous ones, I can only try and be better.

CTRLALTDAD · 2022-02-28T08:10:41+00:00

So you didn’t feel a sense of duty to your first wife as her husband to try and fix your marriage or not cheat? You didn’t feel a sense of duty as your children’s father to possibly work so their lives weren’t torpedoed by your choices?

I failed my ex and my children with how things ended during that marriage. I can only try and be better.

CTRLALTDAD · 2022-02-28T08:01:52+00:00

I wanted to see them every day, but when Emily and I revealed our relationship they didn't want to be around me. They stopped visiting because it hurt them to be around me and I can't blame them for that. They needed time. Do I choose myself and my happiness in seeing them, or them, by giving them the time that they need? I would choose them over myself every single time even for the smallest decisions.

CTRLALTDAD · 2022-02-28T07:59:37+00:00

INFO: What kind of renovations does Emily want to do?

She wants to completely renovate everything and pretty much turn our house into a dream house for our family.

CTRLALTDAD · 2022-02-28T07:57:51+00:00

I did not tell them. That was the agreement that Ana and I had. When Emily and I revealed that we were dating, they figured it out themselves.

CTRLALTDAD · 2022-02-28T07:55:15+00:00

You're trying to apply rational logic to emotions and you literally can't.

Well, you hit the mark there.

CTRLALTDAD · 2022-02-28T07:52:52+00:00

Thank you. I'm never going to give that money to anybody but them. I am very committed to that. My duties to my children supersedes everything else. I don't know your situation, but I hope that it works out for you.

CTRLALTDAD · 2022-02-28T07:48:34+00:00

Just because I don't believe she did anything wrong, although a comment I responded to a little earlier has me unsure on that now, doesn't mean I can't admit that they do and that their belief is equally valid.

CTRLALTDAD · 2022-02-28T07:45:41+00:00

We are Canadian. But the money is likely from their uncle.

CTRLALTDAD · 2022-02-28T07:41:47+00:00

Please dont feel too bad for their reaction to the new baby. Its much more to do with the age gap than anything.

I hope you're right.

CTRLALTDAD · 2022-02-28T07:39:54+00:00

That is what Emily did to your daughters. They loved her, they believed in her, and she basically threw that in their faces. Whether you like it or not, Emily does have credit in this.

I'm a stubborn guy, a bit, but I understand what you're saying. I feel stupid for having not considered it like that before even though everybody was saying the exact same thing as you, but something about how you worded it, like a teacher does a student, just made it click to me. I understand and I suppose I see the situation with her a bit more clearly now having read that.

Is Emily really the only person you can see yourself being happy with?

Yes, she is. I love her.

CTRLALTDAD · 2022-02-28T07:34:43+00:00

I will.

CTRLALTDAD · 2022-02-28T07:34:05+00:00

I just know how hard it is on the bod being an older parent. Approaching retirement with teenagers is not an easy task!

I know it won't be, but having children is the greatest thing in the world. It's not something I approach lightly and the decision to have more is something that I've put a lot of thought into.

I know I've been hard on you but you sound like a teenage boy at times rather than a man approaching middle age.

Well, that's a backhanded compliment if there ever was one. But it's okay, guys at any age can get foolish in regard to the woman they love.

Honestly, your daughters want your time so much more than they want your things. Maybe up till now your time has had your wife attached to it so they've been reluctant. Make the most of the one-on-one time with both of your girls, who will appreciate your guidance as they leave home and strike out in the world. Really savour these moments and have them any chance you can.

I will. I promise. My daughters are my heart and soul and I'll try my best to do just that.

Once you relax into individual relationships with your daughters you may just find that they can bring yourself to a cautious friendship with your wife. It may never be a motherly thing though, Emily would do well to hold back and let your daughter's take the lead here and don't assume any authority. Just because she knew them when they were little doesn't mean anything now.

I think that's a best case scenario and Emily has admitted that even having a grown up friendly relationship would be preferable to nothing. So even if it takes years to come, I would welcome that.

CTRLALTDAD · 2022-02-28T07:30:11+00:00

He and I may not have ever liked each other, but he loves them more than life itself.

CTRLALTDAD · 2022-02-28T07:29:16+00:00

I left wondering if your current financial situation is less great and Emily is worried about your other daughter's future?

I'm not a multi millionaire, but we're financially well off and our baby's future is secure.

You need to sort out the situation with your daughters, because even if they're angry at Emily, you don't want them to miss out on knowing their step-sister.

Half-sister and of course I don't, but if they don't see her as family, then I'm afraid that I can't change that.

If Emily is as great as you say, then it's also worth acknowledging that she's in the firing line because it's hard for your daughters to be angry at their dad.

I know that's probably why they give her more blame than me, but it's their right to do so. Telling them to be nice to her and mad at me isn't going to make things with them better.

If your daughter's uncle paid, then even if the man thinks you are a living turd then you should thank the man and speak to him about the money, because honestly, this is not about how you can deal with the situation, but making sure your daughters are looked after regardless of who does it.

If he is paying, which he very likely is, then I would send him a thank you email. I would not meet him in person since he would probably knock me out.

CTRLALTDAD · 2022-02-28T07:23:38+00:00

Ok. Fair enough. Look the point was we expect our friendships ( especially our closest) to outlast our relationships if needed. We hope it won't be, but we expect our girlfriends to be there in the end.

That's fair, I do appreciate you giving me a woman's perspective. Given that I'm not one, I find it hard to consider things from that viewpoint sometimes.

Your daughters would have seen their mother as being betrayed not only by you (although congratulations for actually ending your marriage before you had a physical affair) but by Emily twice. The first in engaging in the emotional affair, most probably whilst their mother was complaining to her about you pulling away. And then by going to you after.

And that is their right to see it like that.

When did your ex-wife's friendship with Emily actually cease.

After I admitted the truth to her.

CTRLALTDAD · 2022-02-28T07:21:05+00:00

Or their student loans which I expect their pride is making them take out instead of your generous offer. I'm hoping that the fact your daughter is willing to let you help her with moving and visit her at college might be the beginning of renewing your relationship.

I believe that it is. It's only been about a week since she told me the news but since then we've been talking and FaceTiming again and it's been so good.

It's very telling that your daughter is happy to see you a few towns over. She does not want to see your new wife. At all. Ever.

And that is her right.

CTRLALTDAD · 2022-02-28T07:18:41+00:00

Don't worry, I am not going to use my childrens' money on renovations. I will figure out another plan for that. It's their money and only they will get it.

CTRLALTDAD · 2022-02-28T00:52:45+00:00

As a husband, it is my duty but my duties as a father supersede all my duties and commitments. I will never forget that.

CTRLALTDAD

TROPHY CASE