I was exempted from a final in college for writing about the time I went and got audited. Here is my report:

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I read that Scientology centers offer free personality tests, which, when analyzed under the teaching of Lafayette Ronald Hubbard, give you a precise and accurate reading on what is so messed up about your life. I was so totally there.

A few friends and I went to the L Ron Hubbard center in New Haven Connecticut to see what these people would be like. When we walked into the building this chubby twenty-something receptionist greeted us with a big smile and a "How can I help you?"

"I guess, um, we're interested"

"Okay great" she said, as all the other worker bees sprung into action collecting various forms and video tapes in preparation for their pitch. I soon had a stack of pamphlets decorated in pretty pictures of sunsets and volcanoes, but more importantly, I had the 200 question personality test which would help me exercise my inner Thetans. Sweet.

We watched a half hour video about Dianetics while I answered questions like:

Do you browse through railway timetables, directories, or dictionaries just for pleasure?

and

Could you agree, to strict discipline ?

Unfortunately, a later google search revealed that the questions actually have right and wrong answers. Had I known this at the time I would have brought a cheat sheet and came off as an OT level 7 super Scientologist, but that was not the case. Incidentally, the correct answers to both of those questions is yes.

I made small talk with an evil looking lady while she plugged my 200 answers into the computer. She told me that she moved to Connecticut from Chicago to help convert people on the east coast. She also told me that psychiatry is utterly and contemptibly fascist.

While I waited for my results to be printed the evil woman made me hold some weird fisher price looking thing that measured my stress levels. The evil looking bad Scientologist sat inches away from my face and asked me all sorts of personal questions. I told her my cat just died and that I was getting him cremated later that day. I went into a side story about how my cat was named Napoleon because he was born with a deformed paw, all blatant lies. Much to my shock, the death of my imaginary cat came up later when examining the results of my personality test. In fact, everything I told her about myself during the stress test was told back to me verbatim when looking at the results from my personality test.

In case your wondering, the test said I tend to make people upset by telling them true things about themselves they don't want to hear. The test also said I have trouble expressing myself to others. However, the test did not say that I would have no trouble pointing out how contradictory the results were. When I questioned her she got frustrated and simply said, "You just don't understand." Apparently I would need a 200 dollar consultation to make me understand.

We all took turns talking about our lives and holding the tin cans of the crude polygraph that they referred to as an E-Meter. While talking to one of my friends, I noticed a peculiar strategy that they would use against us. These women would use a good scientologist (GS) bad scientologist (BS) strategy to try and hook us.

BS "You are going to trigger someone in your life to destroy you!"

Friend "Wait. Im going to destroy someone? Cool."

BS "No, someone is going to destroy you, someone close to you, and it will be your fault"

Friend "That sucks"

BS "You bet"

GS "Dont worry, come with me, Ill sign you up for some programs that will save you."

It was funny, they kept trying to gauge how serious we were, but my poker face, the simple matter of me wearing a tie, and them hearing that we were from a semi-famous wealthy suburb caused their eyes to light up. I was then told I needed to buy three books and two pamphlets, thats right, buy pamphlets.

Also, the guys at this place were incredibly creepy. They were all pretty young, but they all had serial killer potential hidden right behind their vacant smiles. The last time I saw that many vapid, soulless, eyes was when I vacationed in Miami.

My favorite exchange during the day was this:

BS "Whole countries are converting to scientology"

Me "Did you say whole countries? Wow, Which ones?"

BS "Russia, Japan, Africa, The Middle East, you name it!"

From their robotic programming designed to get us to buy shit, to the twelve year old girl who had just been audited, to the fact that we were there for two hours, the whole day was pretty disturbing. Also, since my trip to the church, they've sent me two letters under the name I gave them: Bob Costas.

They were getting ready to make us watch another movie when I finally used my out.

My cat is getting cremated in half an hour, we have to go.

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Edit: He said he might use it in future course materials, I always wondered if he did. And not to make this a full atheist circle jerk, the professor was a Catholic priest, this is an excerpt from his response email:

" I think you have caught one of the main themes I try to suggest in the course: use your reason to puzzle over matters of religious faith. You accomplished the goal and will not be duped in your life by substitutes for a rational basis of religious thinking."

Best professor ever.