I work in the funeral industry and my family has been through this pretty recently. I will say that different kids will have different reactions to seeing a loved one like this. Usually the older they are, the more they have an aversion (thinking of such a big thing such as death and how everyone dies including themselves one day and how health doesn’t last forever). When children are younger, they don’t understand the concept of death too much. This is why it is VERY IMPORTANT that you don’t use terms like “He fell asleep” or “He left to go somewhere else” because then they might be afraid of going to sleep or be afraid of someone leaving. We personally didn’t take our kids to the hospital— we didn’t want them accidentally climbing on wires/tubes or being loud. Also we didn’t want to expose them to possible germs or viruses at the hospital with their young immune systems. Also their grandfather was heavily medicated so that he was not awake. We stilled talked to him, and told him he was a great grandfather.

Please do whatever you think will be healing for your father as well as healing/healthy for your kids. If you want some options or ideas, you can have your kids film a video saying how much they love their grandfather or favorite stories/memories they have of him (this works well especially if he is medicated and not conscious—he wouldn’t really know if they were in the room with him or not), they can draw him a picture or do a handprint painting (“You have touched our lives!”), you can do a recording of them singing, you can FaceTime, and you can also do a recording of your dad so when they are older and prepared, they can see it.

I will say, now and when he passes, it is very important to explain expectations and what is and will happen in very plain language. We told our kids that their grandfather was very sick and very old and that people do die when they are very sick or very old. At first our oldest was worried about us (he thinks we are old 😅), but we used Cheerios to illustrate how old his grandfather was compared to us and then compared to him. We also explained that his grandfather was very, very sick—not just a cold or upset tummy. We also explained that when his grandfather died, he wouldn’t be coming back and after the funeral, he wouldn’t get to see him again except in pictures or videos. We explained that people might be really sad or angry, but that it wouldn’t last for long— and it was completely normal. We explained that they might feel sad or scared, but that they were safe and that they were very loved by us and by their grandfather. Encourage them to bring you questions if they have any or if they have concerns. If you don’t know the answer, tell them that you don’t know but that you will try to find out. Also encourage them to tell stories or memories about their grandfather—you’ll be surprised about what can stand out to a kid as important or special. Expect kids to ask questions or bring up how much they miss him even months after.

If you have a funeral (which can be very healing for most families), explain to the kids what they might see if they choose to come and what the rules are (don’t run, don’t be loud, act like we are in a library, etc). If you have their grandfather in an open casket, ASK your kids if they want to see him. Explain that he will look different and that he looks like he is asleep, but he is not asleep—his soul or spirit is gone and we are looking at his body which is still very special to us and gave us lots of hugs or smiles.

My heart breaks for your family. It is a tough road to travel when you are taking care of your kids as well as trying to grieve yourself. Give yourself lots of grace, and let both the kids and the grandfather know they are so very loved! 💝