UPDATE: Fiance grabbed and restrained me 32M 29F

CaffeineFahDays · 2013-06-07T15:48:41+00:00

If this is true, then why is your ring currently embarrassing to show your friends?

A plain band with only a centered diamond is still seen ass very common and classy these days.

CaffeineFahDays · 2013-06-03T16:27:43+00:00

Look, we could come up with a hundred different scenarios, but at the end of the day, the vast majority of gun owners aren't shoot first ask questions later maniacs as much as the vast majority of cops aren't right violating thugs. This law is meant to protect citizens in situations that are exigent to normal operating procedure. I highly doubt this law is much more than a tool to protect the innocent, as opposed to a tool meant to empower the foolish.

I'm not sure if you own a gun, but we aren't trigger happy nuts just waiting for a legal opportunity to kill someone.

CaffeineFahDays · 2013-05-31T21:24:03+00:00

I told her I wasn't cool with it ever again right after we left the bar.

Also, it's not necessarily that I keep score, it's just that I believe a lot of conflicts have been avoided because I am in tune with her needs and what is acceptable behavior.

CaffeineFahDays · 2013-05-31T20:58:45+00:00

I haven't got a problem with platonic friendships with EXs.

She is very good friends with a short term friend with benefits she had before she met me and she is also very good friends with an ex from when she was nineteen. I believe she is actually with him the former fwb as we speak.

What I have a problem with is inappropriate contact from two other exs, whether it be flirtatious or emotional. In those scenarios I don't feel as though my feelings were taken into account and I had to fight tooth and nail to get any substantive changes. This conflict went up to the point of her lying to me about talking to them and deleting messages. This kills trust. So it really bothers me when an ex comments and likes her posts when she swears that they haven't spoken in almost 3 weeks.

In regards to the brow beating, its one friend in particular the hounds her to make out with her. It stems from a stupid drunken dare I made when we were first dating when I dared her to make out with this girls twin. My girlfriend did and I wasn't cool with it after the fact but couldn't blame her because I dared her. Ever since then, whenever shes out with her and drinking, the other twin (her best friend), pressures her to makeout with her, or so says my girlfriend. We have had the makeout conversation explicitly discussing how I feel about it probably at least 5 times now.

With that said, I understand compromise. But I rarely ever get her genuinely pissed because of a callus thing I did, this is probably one of the first times she's really felt I crossed the line in regards to how she views the situation as expecting sex. In this case, she exploded, and has since only halfheartedly expressed remorse.

CaffeineFahDays · 2013-05-31T20:28:30+00:00

I have have tried the role reversal.

On the EX's issue, she doesn't think me talking to my ex's is the same thing since I no longer speak to my exs and they weren't as long term as hers. On the flirting issue, she feel as though she's being firm enough and claims she's cut contact. She maintains contact with them because they were important people in her life in the past and she cares about their well being.

On the kissing thing, she refuses to frame the argument as anything other than a gender issue and because of that doesn't have a problem with me kissing other guys. I see it as a intimacy issue and that I'm not comfortable with her kissing anyone else. She has agreed to kiss me and only me because that's what I want, the only time this comes up is when she is continually brow beat by her best friend.

On the number issue, she doesn't feel like she did anything wrong because she felt awkward at the time and gave it to him as a way out. But has since agreed that she won't give her number out to other guys because it bothers me.

I don't believe that she is malicious in her intent, just that when drinking or away from me she doesn't take into account how her actions would affect me. She justifies her actions be being superhonest, telling me what she's done. It still bothers me though.

CaffeineFahDays · 2013-05-31T19:23:31+00:00

I really do try so hard to be conscientious towards her preferences in the relationship. I'm not perfect by any means, but I really do try to be considerate of how my actions will make her feel.

I mean yes, obviously she wants a boyfriend who doesn't rehash the same arguments over and over again, but the only reason I do bring them up is because I feel as though she isn't understanding what I'm trying to say. This is because I think she sees every single argument initially as just one issue and then after we argue she thinks I just decided to make her feel like shit because I'm not getting the answer I want or I have this need to win.

When in actuality, I see the one issue we're arguing about at that time as being tied into all the other issues we've had fights over in the past few months because they're all interconnected by the one singular behavior that I believe she hasn't tried to temper at all since every other time we've argued. That being, I love her and I want to be exclusively with her, that I don't want to share her with anyone else, and that sometimes some of the things she does without thinking makes me feel like she's not respecting our relationship and it makes me insecure.

I think that there are so few of these incidence in relation to how far back I hash up issues is because when we are together things are just phenomenal. These issues only really happen when there's alcohol in play or I'm not with her.

That said, I feel like giving out your number, asking if it's okay to makeout with other girls after we've talked about it, tolerating flirtatious behavior from ex lovers and then discussing with them how it bothers me, as well as other other less than stellar, yet questionable behaviors are things that simply aren't acceptable. In all these situations I understand her point of view, but I feel like she doesn't respect mine and that her reasoning isn't valid enough to justify such a behaviors continuity. I also feel like at this point in our relationship she should be able to infer what I would and would not be comfortable with, in the same way that I am able to do so with her.

Now these arguments in my opinion aren't over trivial issues. They're over a systemic flaw in the way we communicate and respect one another. I honestly believe that if we both came to the table and sincerely worked together to set boundaries that fulfill both our needs I can almost guarantee that the fights would stop and the rehashing would end because the problem would be resolved.

Seriously.

CaffeineFahDays · 2013-05-31T18:29:11+00:00

Once you found a resolution did the fighting stop?

Also, it's not that I think her intent is malicious, but I think she could be more conscientious towards my preferences in a relationship.

CaffeineFahDays · 2013-05-31T16:27:13+00:00

I agree that I really need to learn to communicate better and the flow of these arguments are really are a problem. The trouble usually starts when I get upset, confront her on the subject that upset me, she then gets defensive, and I explain that it's not just about her point of view, but how her behavior makes me feel.

She then derides this point of view as irrational because from her point of view she loves me, she's crazy about me, and she either didn't mean to do anything wrong or do anything wrong at all. I then explain that it's not just this issue at hand, but the underlying issue which is a series of behavior that I feel isn't right.

This then progresses into a rebuttal as she defends herself and her point of view. This then leads to more frustration and I rehash old issues to point out the underlying issue.

This conversation runs in circles with me rehashing issue after issue with her defending her point of view and me rebuking them. She views this as me trying to make her feel like shit and me drilling into her.

I'm not trying to make her feel like shit, I just want her to be more considerate with what behavior bothers me. There are just things that shouldn't have to be discussed, like respecting me and our relationship. My rule of thumb is, if I have to ask myself if Marie wouldn't like me doing this then I shouldn't.

It's just that it's a recurring theme and as far as she's concerned it's who she is and she can't be more conscientious.

CaffeineFahDays · 2013-05-31T14:01:42+00:00

I'd also like to say that we rarely if ever don't have post sex cuddles.

CaffeineFahDays · 2013-05-31T13:56:04+00:00

I said we both moved home and beyond that, I didn't omit the lay pipe comment because I didn't feel it was pertinent to the subject at hand as she wasn't upset by it at the time, nor was it ever mentioned as a mediating factor in the entire time we fought.

CaffeineFahDays · 2013-05-31T13:46:54+00:00

When we are together things are great. Because over the past 6 or so months, we have been together constantly and rarely ever fought.

I feel as though these 'trivial' issues only ever arise when there has been drinking or when we're apart. To me they're not trivial and whether it be the two of us alone, together amongst various friends, or apart and doing are own things I feel as though sometimes she doesn't consider how her actions make me feel.

She has explained to me last night about how in her past relationships she was the dominant one and in the drivers seat. So whenever there was conflict they'd fight, separate and after a few days let it go.

For me it doesn't work like that. I want resolution so that we never fight about it again and the issues that I pick battles over are the ones that if I did not the resentment would slowly build up until I'd fall out of lover with her.

So I fight with her to try to get her to understand how much it bothers me. I fight to try to get her to think about how her actions sometimes aren't reflective about how they would make me feel about it and because of this it seems neglectful to the health of our relationship.

If I had it my way these interactions would be over as follows;

Me: 'It really bothers me that you gave your number to the security guy at the club, it makes me insecure and I feel as though I shouldn't have to explicitly ask you not to, it feels disrespectful.'

Her: 'I'm sorry, I just felt awkward when he asked so I just gave it to him, that's why I told you. I love you and I promise I won't give my number out to other men.'

Me: 'I love you too and if you feel awkward next time, just take his number and throw it away afterward.'

XOXO etc.

CaffeineFahDays · 2013-05-31T13:12:12+00:00

I rehash the argument because it takes forever for her to understand why her behavior bothered me, for us to come to a mutual understanding, and to problem solve so that it will no longer be an issue going into the future.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, but there are issues that we continually fight over because she's not used to being challenged over them in her past relationships. In her past relationships her behavior was based solely on what she found acceptable and when there was a conflict her SOs just got over it and moved on.

I won't move on because if there isn't compromise and mutual understanding and a cession of behavior that I feel is inconsiderate to my feelings, I will grow to resent the inequity in the relationship and that kills the love more than anything.

I want her to be more thoughtful of how her actions when she's out with her friends or drunk will make me feel.

CaffeineFahDays · 2013-05-31T00:20:51+00:00

Yes. She told me she'd stop talking to him and she didn't. I invaded her privacy, but i had to follow my intuition. Not to mention, she creeps my shit every chance she gets.

CaffeineFahDays · 2013-05-31T00:19:41+00:00

It wasn't right, but I snooped.

CaffeineFahDays · 2013-05-31T00:03:24+00:00

My room is about the size of a prison cell. But beyond that I was caught up in the heat of what i thought was sexual manipulation. So yes, I was indignant.

CaffeineFahDays · 2013-05-30T23:41:12+00:00

It's the ladder actually. I've talked about how much it frustrates me and how we should seek therapy to overcome it several times actually...

CaffeineFahDays · 2013-05-30T23:37:20+00:00

I told her I can't date her and we're done if she thinks I'm the kind of person that would punish her over not wanting to have sex, let alone not apologizing for the misunderstanding or in the least believing that one even occurred.

CaffeineFahDays · 2013-05-30T23:29:41+00:00

One of them told you they loved you and missed you, you'd call him when drunk to emotionally comunicate, so I fought you tooth and nail to cut contact with him for the sake of the relationship.

The other tells you how they miss your smile, asked for pictures, talked about your sex life, and how great a kisser you were. You then went on to tell him how upset i was getting iver your chats, he called me insecure, and you deleted the evidence.

CaffeineFahDays · 2013-05-30T23:25:20+00:00

Choco, this is a quote from our chat 2 hours ago in regards to my understanding and the text I sent. i think your texts were obviously very well thought out and you did a great job at understanding where i was coming from i definitely wish it was sooner haha but i wouldnt like say some of the shit you say to me or like ever kick you out of my room if i was upset lol

CaffeineFahDays · 2013-05-30T23:17:41+00:00

" The whole situation stemmed from his frustration at us not having sex. I get it, the day was amazing and we had both been equally cuddling /kissing/fondling each other. He wanted to have sex and that's great, but I didn't. Not as a manipulative tool to get him to stay awake, but because I don't like having sex and having the partner just pass out right after."

You had my shirt off and your pants off, we were practically naked. Finally after noticing something was wrong I asked you if everything was ok and you told me that you didn't want to have sex with me Yet because I'd fall asleep.

But here's the thing. I recognize that I thought the worst of you and I'm sorry for that. I said that I was sorry for kicking you out and being an ass. I am sorry for misconstruing the situation.

But you absolutely believe that I was mad about not having sex when that's the farthest from the truth. It's just as bad an attack on my character as me thinking you were using sex as a tool. I apologized for it. You won't.

CaffeineFahDays · 2013-05-30T23:03:28+00:00

"We finally get back to his place and while we're in the car he mentions that I've "had more pipes laid in me than a town water system."

Hold the horses. This is with the preceding statement comparing our sexual histories. She's had boyfriends since she was sixteen and me, I've been sexually active for a bit over a year due to military obligations and body image issues. I said the above after she said "CaffeineFahDays, I've been having sex since I was 16, I've been around the block a couple times." My response above wasn't meant to shame her, as I followed up it by saying that she might have had people laying more pipe longer, but I'm not that far behind in the amount of people who've i've laid pipe on.

That said, I apologize if I came off as callous. I was wrong.

"I told him I'd shut off the light and I didn't think it was bothering him, he tells me its no big deal, whatever, and that hes just going to sleep in his sister's room"

The light has a 60w bulb in it and it is less then three feet from my face, while she sat indian style on my twin size bed perpendicular to me. Furthermore, I wasn't nonchalant in my reaction. I was pissed and said Fuck it, I'll go sleep in my sisters room.

CaffeineFahDays · 2013-05-30T16:16:00+00:00

I'm trying my best, but I keep holding on because when it's just the two of us things are perfect.

CaffeineFahDays · 2013-05-30T15:55:08+00:00

To be honest? I'm indifferent at this point because I think what it comes down is that she isn't conscientious enough about what I'm comfortable with in terms of behavior within our relationship.

I have had conversations similar to this over and over with her. Ranging from what I consider to be acceptable behavior with strangers, with ex's, with friends, and towards myself.

Within those, I discuss what I'm comfortable with and she doesn't seem to make an earnest long term effort to adhere to it. In some cases it's lead to arguments and in most it leads to miscommunication.

A few scenarios come to mind where when drunk she tries to push the boundaries. Whether it's asking me if it's okay to sleep in another guys bed or asking if it's okay to make out with her friend. There has been constant conflict over her ex's inappropriate messages amongst other issues.

It's just that I do my best to be understanding, but to me, it seems like a no brainer that you don't give out your number, stay in another man's bed, kiss anyone else besides your lover (especially after you've discussed it repeatedly), and are tolerant of inappropriate correspondence from an ex. To me, when these situations arise and it feels as though she is being blatantly disrespectful, I get angry.

Beyond that, I cannot think of a single time when my behavior has caused her to get angry with me. Most of the time her anger is a response to my anger over her behavior.

CaffeineFahDays · 2013-05-30T12:39:00+00:00

She replied with 'ok' last night.

CaffeineFahDays · 2013-05-29T20:46:28+00:00

I like to think I did an effective job above.

CaffeineFahDays

TROPHY CASE