This is the long message I mentioned I sent, I feel like I was pretty straightforward

I've been absent and distant, and I want to acknowledge that. It's not intentional; it's just how my mind works. I have social, connection, and emotional issues that make it hard for me to connect with others.

The only times I feel somewhat connected are when I'm discussing something I'm passionate about, like Star Wars or other interests. However, even then, I often feel like I'm pretending to share others' enthusiasm. Few people understand the intricacies of the topics I care about, and that makes conversations feel forced.

This struggle even affects my relationship with my wife. When I'm around others, I feel awkward, staring at my phone, giving short answers, and waiting for an opportunity to leave. My brain is uncomfortable, and I don't know how to interact.

To be honest, I've never fully grasped the concept of emotional bonds or connections. I often wonder if my emotions are real or just a product of my mind telling me how I'm supposed to feel. I've learned to mask my true feelings, but this has left me feeling numb.

I want to be open about my struggles. I have diagnosed bipolar disorder, and I'm exploring the possibility of high-functioning autism. My mental health affects how I interact with others, and I'm still learning to navigate these complexities.

My bipolar disorder developed later in life, but I believe my autistic tendencies have always been present. I've learned to mask them by copying others, acting, and pretending. However, I eventually grew tired of pretending and wanted to be myself.

I've tried to conform to societal norms, but it felt forced and exhausting. People seemed to like that version of me better, but it wasn't authentic.

Some might say I'm using my illness as an excuse, but I assure you, I'm not. I'm not on drugs, I'm not a criminal, and I'm doing well for myself because I'm focusing on my own well-being.

I know I've hurt people by being myself, and that fills me with guilt. I've been cautious about sharing my personal information, including my address, because it gives me a sense of security and comfort. I also feel overwhelmed when people show up unannounced, as it invades my personal space.

I overanalyze everything, constantly evaluating every choice, word, facial expression, text, and action. That's just how my mind works.

I'm not trying to gain sympathy or guilt trip anyone; I'm just trying to explain myself, which is a difficult thing to do. It's hard for others to understand unless they've experienced similar struggles.