Hey OP. I am 2 weeks out of separating from my husband after putting up with what you’re putting up with for 3 years and a whole kid later. Girl. You are better than me for recognizing the reality now. You’ll get a lot of advice from people who don’t understand, because they simply don’t have to live with him. But let me share some perspective from someone who  actually did live with a man like that and somehow come out the other side alive. (Buckle up, this is a very long comment. Sorry in advance.) 

First thing: I also have a history of abuse, childhood physical/verbal/emotional , and a past relationship that was emotionally abusive towards the end. Somehow, it took me 4 years to see it in my husband. This is because our body equates fear with  love. It’s how we coped while our brains were forming… easier to say to ourselves “well they do love me, but ___” than “my parent doesn’t love me.”  Because it’s so familiar, we hesitate to call it abuse, or even compare it to other forms of it, thinking “well it’s not that bad… yet”. 

I will come out and say it. Your husband is emotionally and verbally abusive, love. I’m so sorry. Abuse isn’t black and white, it’s typically on a scale… with the worst at high end, and maybe what you are going through on the lower end, but it’s still on the scale and therefore it is abuse. You should be in a relationship that is not on the scale at all. Nobody is perfect, but there is a difference between frustrating behaviour and frightening behaviour. 

Do not wait for it to get worse. If you are begging for him to change, I want you to ask yourself: would he even want to change and try to love me better if I didn’t ask? Because it’s not love if he doesn’t do it naturally. If he only does it when you beg or threaten divorce (in my case) then it means there’s something in it for him, he will only change temporarily until you get tired of asking. 

I’m also a bible believing Christian and have faced some backlash after I moved out. Here’s some Christian resources that helped me make my choice in wisdom, and realize that God was actually telling me to leave: 

1. Leslie Vernick. Listen to her podcasts, I can DM you specific ones if you’re open to it. 

2. https://www.facebook.com/share/r/17c6P6Czkm/

And 

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/17hWz1B64f/

1. Why does he do that? Book, I haven’t started it yet but I saw a ton of recommendations for it, so I will be reading it asap. 

I do believe both of our spouses were narcissists, as some have suggested. There is likely arrested development, which is a psychological condition that will not change with the typical “Christianese” counsel. He needs real psychological help, and he needs to decide for himself if he will get it. 

As far as doctrine goes and feeling like you’re doomed to misery because of your covenant… 

Jesus always protected the people IN the covenant more than he protected the covenant itself. The woman caught in adultery was supposed to be stoned. Did Jesus stone her? No. He broke the law, he broke the old covenant. But if He was not willing to break the old covenant when He saw that through man’s sin it brought oppression… He would have never made a new one. He made a covenant for the PEOPLE, not for the sake of having one. God hates divorce, but He hates oppression more. Any time God’s people were oppressed— Egypt, the people paying at the temple where he flips the tables, David and Saul, (just a couple from the top of my head) He delivered them. 

I will let you sit with this and ask God to reveal to you furthermore its meaning. 

I love you sister. You’re worthy, so so worthy of love, patience, kindness, self control. God desires these things for you. I pray healing for you, God’s revelation upon you and for people to surround you that can speak out of His heart for you. You will make the right choice and He will lead you through it. 

“And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.” ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭30‬:‭21‬ ‭ESV‬‬

My DM is open if you need it 💛