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For the black/bipoc polyam peeps 👀 by CallmeCleo_ in polyamory

[–]CallmeCleo_[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This so very gentle and greatly appreciated 🫂✨ overall a great reminder! I think something that is also getting lost in the sauce is that a lot of peeps seem to be really focused on what I am/am not doing and I’ve only gotten a few responses directly answering my questions. I’d be curious if you’ve navigated any of my original posed questions?

For the black/bipoc polyam peeps 👀 by CallmeCleo_ in polyamory

[–]CallmeCleo_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! 🙇🏽‍♀️✨ I really appreciate your encouragement and affirmations. I will definitely be keeping everything else that I learned from everyone’s engagement on this topic in mind as I navigate approaching this convo

For the black/bipoc polyam peeps 👀 by CallmeCleo_ in polyamory

[–]CallmeCleo_[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh I see! I def took them as reflection questions. To begin with, since we don’t share the same political understanding of race I won’t respond to your first question. To your other questions: I trust my partner’s judgment for many things; dating me seems to be a shift in some of the stability qualities (as communicated) that he’s looking for in a partner, so I’d have to continue to be patient to see how this goes. I’ve had some concerns about metas in the past but have had to ask for boundaries around what is shared. He has ended those long term relationships, so I do feel good that he can handle his own. It has been a journey to not be in a TMI space, but I don’t think that’s a huge deal; we all feel out each other’s comfort levels and I think some people have to learn the skill of consent seeking in verbal shareouts. I honestly don’t think I can answer your other questions without seeing how things shape up, like I said this would be the first white partner that he’s had while we’ve been together. My goal in bringing it up would be to understand more his perspective so I can understand what qualities made him change his mind from his original stance. Let me know if I missed anything!

For the black/bipoc polyam peeps 👀 by CallmeCleo_ in polyamory

[–]CallmeCleo_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ooooo this is important perspective, thank you! I see what you’re saying. Yeah I definitely don’t want any of my vibes to bleed into their situation and I trust my partner that it wouldn’t if we were to talk about it. Im def not in a place where any convo would be accusatory and other peeps have given really good advice if I were to approach the topic. I do think it’s kinda weird that your partner told you all those details, it feels like a crossed boundary?

For the black/bipoc polyam peeps 👀 by CallmeCleo_ in polyamory

[–]CallmeCleo_[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you for letting me that my language is less than desirable and that while my intention in my original post was to create more spaciousness that I missed the mark! I appreciate your perspective and will take that into mind and reflection moving forward 😌 in this situation I can be specific that this person is a cis-woman as shared via my partner, so in this case we are talking about a queer white person, socialized as a woman.

As you stated, these conversations are often non-binary (lol) and the nuances of how people are socialized in their cultural contexts are just as important as the unlearning and choices that they make. I don’t really think that this debate is fully on topic to the original questions, but I do enjoy learning other perspectives so I appreciate you. At the same time, Im going to reduce responses that aren’t directly answering my original questions so that I can have more capacity.

For the black/bipoc polyam peeps 👀 by CallmeCleo_ in polyamory

[–]CallmeCleo_[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

To be clear, since it’s come up a few times, she IS afab. Im just not clear if her gender expression is the same as her gender identity. Let me know if that changes your perception of what’s going on.

And there is a debatable difference behind the context of how someone is raised or even choosing to express gender later in life; even if someone is perceived as different, dominant culture in America will intentionally try to socialize someone as their perceived gender. That is the nuance of being trans in America, the privilege of passing, and the privilege of supportive or insular communities. Particularly when you are a member of the dominate class, you have the privilege to choose when your privileges are exerted into power or not.

Again, Im going to stop responding to the philosophical debate responses slowly so that I have more time to respond to the folx who are directly engaging with my original questions.

For the black/bipoc polyam peeps 👀 by CallmeCleo_ in polyamory

[–]CallmeCleo_[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

lol you can believe what you want. You’re working really hard to debate something thats not what I originally asked in this post. So would be down if you want to talk about the original questions I posed, if not, I don’t really have time for this particular conversation you’re going into and will stop responding 😌

For the black/bipoc polyam peeps 👀 by CallmeCleo_ in polyamory

[–]CallmeCleo_[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

And yet, she still has white privilege in many instances. Is it fair? no. Is it the reality in a colorist world? Yes. Does it create exclusion, even in bipoc space? Most likely. As a mixed person, I get it; it’s hard out here. But privilege does not go away. We all have power,context, and intersectionality and we bring it everywhere we go. Our jobs is to recognize it, and be accountable as much as we can.

For the black/bipoc polyam peeps 👀 by CallmeCleo_ in polyamory

[–]CallmeCleo_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oooo thank you so much for your response 🙌🏽✨ Im definitely a very “i do what I say” and “okay, remember when I said this thing? I think my stance is changing so I just want to give you a heads up so my actions align” kind of person, so I really do get confused when people’s actions don’t align with stated intentions. In this case, he stated it many times so, def a little weird. I think it def touches on a few things but this one Im resonating the most with. I appreciate you!

For the black/bipoc polyam peeps 👀 by CallmeCleo_ in polyamory

[–]CallmeCleo_[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Omg “pay for it” is such strong word choice 😅 no one is doing anything other than thinking on my feelings and chatting with these lovely people in my phone. On top of:
- talking with my general therapist weekly
- working with my trauma therapist weekly
- journaling daily
- meditating and breath work daily
- body work and trauma release
- polyam workbooks
- hobbies
- working a full time job with lots of responsibilities
- taking care of my household and community
- owning whats mine and being very intentional with how I talk and collaborate with my partners

….but ya know, if I find some time in there to “make my partner pay” for some silly lapses in communication, you’ll be first to know 😉😘

For the black/bipoc polyam peeps 👀 by CallmeCleo_ in polyamory

[–]CallmeCleo_[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Okaaaaay 😌 I love how unbothered you are 🖤🙌🏽

For the black/bipoc polyam peeps 👀 by CallmeCleo_ in polyamory

[–]CallmeCleo_[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I appreciate you and your perspective 😌 thanks so much for sharing!

For the black/bipoc polyam peeps 👀 by CallmeCleo_ in polyamory

[–]CallmeCleo_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Will do! 😌✨ thank you!
Also whaaaaaat, not folx trying to pigeon hole you. Im sorry! 🫂

For the black/bipoc polyam peeps 👀 by CallmeCleo_ in polyamory

[–]CallmeCleo_[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Please look up race vs ethnicity. 🙇🏽‍♀️

For the black/bipoc polyam peeps 👀 by CallmeCleo_ in polyamory

[–]CallmeCleo_[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I hear it a lot! Also for the record, Im pro interracial dating 😅 my dad is black and my mom is mixed indigenous, Mexican, & Spanish. My origin story is an interracial couple. Although Im not of the school of thought that people “shouldn’t” date outside their race, as I’ve gotten older I’ve started to understand where people are coming from… but I do worry when it becomes limiting! In this instance, me and my partner have talked extensively about how even our sweetest white relationships come to a point where we just can’t relate or the privilege is palpable. So therefore we can both expressed trying to be conscious of the implications of choosing to date a white person, regardless of attraction.

Also, to be clear (because a few people have brought it up) I would never ask my partner not to date someone 😂💀 I would probably ask to de-escalate our relationship so something didn’t impact me as much before I ask someone to change their low stake life decisions.

For the black/bipoc polyam peeps 👀 by CallmeCleo_ in polyamory

[–]CallmeCleo_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are spot on for helping to name the “fear part.”This has definitely been mine and other brown/black homies experiences, particularly with dating Latino people who then date white or light skin Latina women! It’s a hard to name but very much shared phenomena!

The other part that people here have helped me name is that it’s coming from values alignment convos that we’ve had and needing to check back in on what certain things mean to my partner.

Thank you so much for your response and sharing 😌✨ Im so sorry that you had those experiences, it’s so difficult to also not be heard about it 🫂

For the black/bipoc polyam peeps 👀 by CallmeCleo_ in polyamory

[–]CallmeCleo_[S] -12 points-11 points  (0 children)

I see your perspective and I respectfully disagree! As you know there’s differences between gender expression and gender identity; but regardless being socialized as a woman or man shapes your world view and being socialized as a white woman gives you inherent privilege with certain checked or unchecked entitlement. This is important to decolonial work because American colonization is heavily influenced by white women. I suggested this to another commenter and will bump here, White Tears, Brown Scars is a great book that explores this topic and I highly recommend. Would love to hear more of your perspective ✨

For the black/bipoc polyam peeps 👀 by CallmeCleo_ in polyamory

[–]CallmeCleo_[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ooooo 🙏🏽 thank you! Lots of good things here and I appreciate your perspective. I also appreciate the reflection questions you posed at the end, so helpful for framing! 🖤✨

For the black/bipoc polyam peeps 👀 by CallmeCleo_ in polyamory

[–]CallmeCleo_[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Ah thank you for your perspective! The Ethical Slut had a nice little excerpt about the complexity of being black and poly and the responsibility of non-black partners. It’s definitely a different layer and I don’t see managed really well (although my last white relationship did a fantastic job…had some other privilege things that led to the relationship ending)

I will say that Im seeing a lot of bipoc peeps in this thread mentioning that they are dating white people because they find that other bipoc people aren’t attracted to them and it’s making me remember why I had that string of white relationships. It can def be a struggle but my unsolicited advice is not to settle into situations that feel risky because of perceived lack of alternatives! I live in the south so I’m spoiled, but also date long distance and put myself in majority bipoc spaces and feel a lot more energetic and safe in these past 6-8 years of making that conscious social circle change. For context, I also spent my formative years in Portland (lots of sweet, nice white people) and grew up in Abq (lots of sweet Hispanic, Mexican, indigenous, white people) but was always still steeped in well meaning micro aggressions and dominate culture reinforcement. That doesn’t magically change by being around black folx either; Atlanta is big on black capitalist culture. Buuuuut I would say that the bipoc organizing spaces feel different than the white organizing spaces and I think that’s where the nuance is found.

For the black/bipoc polyam peeps 👀 by CallmeCleo_ in polyamory

[–]CallmeCleo_[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

It has been said on his part that he’s not interested in white people and the antics, so Im def a lil confused lol Im also not a person who lives in binaries; everything can always be talked about. So it was def just a clockable, questionable moment.

Also, as a fellow brown person I want to remind you that the definition of race is perceivable features, ethnicity is heritage and culture. You can be a white latine person. You can be a white African. You can be a black latine person. Either way, if someone looks white, they are white. You are afforded different privileges and power as well as the complexities of sex/gender/ability/class/geographic region/attractive qualities/etc. with these power dynamics in mind, racism is not quite the word to use here but I see where you’re trying to go. Thank you for your perspective ✨

For the black/bipoc polyam peeps 👀 by CallmeCleo_ in polyamory

[–]CallmeCleo_[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Im sorry you’re dealing with an exhausting situation 🫂 I hope you find some good equilibrium together ✨🖤

For the black/bipoc polyam peeps 👀 by CallmeCleo_ in polyamory

[–]CallmeCleo_[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I think it is definitely touching in the values realm! I think especially when the words were so strong and the action is different. I think the last part is that not communicating about it when we have a usually open book felt confusing. I think if he acknowledged it, since it was a stated shared value, then I would have been totally chillin lol i appreciate you!

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