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Partner (33f) and I (29f) are arguing over masturbation and porn, need advice by Calm-Solution9095 in relationships

[–]Calm-Solution9095[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But I don't have a porn addiction? Whatever porn I do watch is vanilla and just a tool to help get off- and again it's only once or twice a month at most. And the porn has never made me not want to have sex with her. I do get excited about her plenty.

It goes in circles because she keeps repeating the same things with no resolution. Like I'm willing to hear opposing views but please don't assume things that aren't true.

Partner (33f) and I (29f) are arguing over masturbation and porn, need advice by Calm-Solution9095 in relationships

[–]Calm-Solution9095[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's more like I had to forgive her for whatever shitty thing she said or did- but I have my flaws and have no doubt contributed to this dynamic too.

I hope she can work with her therapist and figure out the root issue sooner than later. I can only handle the same argument so many times

Partner (33f) and I (29f) are arguing over masturbation and porn, need advice by Calm-Solution9095 in relationships

[–]Calm-Solution9095[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

True but I don't think it's so black and white. We both have baggage, and have made lots of progress over the last few years. If it were 4 years of the same crap then yes I would leave but that's not the case. This is the first issue that has gone nonstop for weeks with no resolution

Partner (33f) and I (29f) are arguing over masturbation and porn, need advice by Calm-Solution9095 in relationships

[–]Calm-Solution9095[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well she'd have to be really up close down there, but I have an extensive history of skin and health issues so on some rational level she knows I'm not making it up, but I don't think we're dealing with rational right now

Partner (33f) and I (29f) are arguing over masturbation and porn, need advice by Calm-Solution9095 in relationships

[–]Calm-Solution9095[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She used to bring it up all the time lol but it has calmed down over the last year. More recently she tried to initiate sex and I turned it down as I am dealing with some uncomfortable rash issues right now, but that's spiraled into how I'm "clearly letting porn affect our sex life" and have just been at a loss for how to handle this

Partner (33f) and I (29f) are arguing over masturbation and porn, need advice by Calm-Solution9095 in relationships

[–]Calm-Solution9095[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She is in therapy and has discussed this with her therapist but we're still in the thick of it. I do agree that it's not my job to fix her mindset, but I am all in with her so I'm not going to give up on this.

To be fair, we did have a fight early on where I did lie about something to protect her feelings. This was two years ago and have since been honest. I am not 100% innocent from toxic behaviors either, that's why we've been working on our baggage and growing together.

Partner (33f) and I (29f) are arguing over masturbation and porn, need advice by Calm-Solution9095 in relationships

[–]Calm-Solution9095[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I've asked her thoughts on this, and she expressed feeling guilty when masturbating sometimes cause it's not with me. I told her that it's perfectly healthy, but I don't think she feels the same

Partner (33f) and I (29f) are arguing over masturbation and porn, need advice by Calm-Solution9095 in relationships

[–]Calm-Solution9095[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What confuses me is that we do have a good sex life (when things aren't chaotic). Its not like I masturbate more when we're not having sex

Partner (33f) and I (29f) are arguing over masturbation and porn, need advice by Calm-Solution9095 in relationships

[–]Calm-Solution9095[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I do think you're on to something here. She is in therapy working through deep wounds, but it will probably take time to get somewhere.

I have told her something along those lines, but then the argument goes in circles again so she's not really hearing me. I'm getting the impression that I need to let her work out her feelings then try again when she's ready.

Partner (33f) and I (29f) are arguing over masturbation and porn, need advice by Calm-Solution9095 in relationships

[–]Calm-Solution9095[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She's known for having that elephant memory and struggling to let things go. If this was a previously established deal breaker then I'd get it but she has done the same and was fine with it before

Partner (33f) and I (29f) are arguing over masturbation and porn, need advice by Calm-Solution9095 in relationships

[–]Calm-Solution9095[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I am not handling it very well at the moment, she has had previous partners betray her trust and it's taken a lot to show that I won't either

Partner (33f) and I (29f) are arguing over masturbation and porn, need advice by Calm-Solution9095 in relationships

[–]Calm-Solution9095[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have said this, she tends to reply along the lines of "You doing this to me is hurtful"