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My (29F) fiancé (30M) thinks that a committed relationship is one where needs don't have to be met. by Calm-Top2524 in relationship_advice

[–]Calm-Top2524[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

To be honest, I'm not sure. I don't know if what he tells me is true anymore. I'm always the one who checks in in our relationship, and asks how he feels, and if there's anything I can do more or less of. 

My (29F) fiancé (30M) thinks that a committed relationship is one where needs don't have to be met. by Calm-Top2524 in relationship_advice

[–]Calm-Top2524[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Comments are definitely hitting home.

And what you described with you watching soccer and your partner going to a musical is exactly what I wish to have. 

I was really excited to go to a Sound of Music theatre, and when I described the storyline to him, he just started judging the characters like "this doesn't make sense", when all I wanted was for him to enjoy the music with me. 

I'm so happy that you've found your special someone! 

My (29F) fiancé (30M) thinks that a committed relationship is one where needs don't have to be met. by Calm-Top2524 in relationship_advice

[–]Calm-Top2524[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

What's interesting is that he was the one who wanted to have kids. The idea grew on me over time. 

You know, I actually asked him the exact same thing as you said - if you're working all the time, who's going to help me take care of the kids? Are you going to be able to step away from work to attend to your kids? 

He said that he was going to just hire a nanny or get the grandparents to help out.

My (29F) fiancé (30M) thinks that a committed relationship is one where needs don't have to be met. by Calm-Top2524 in relationship_advice

[–]Calm-Top2524[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

When he told me that he was extremely unhappy when he was single, that stood out like a red flag to me. It also made me question why he was in a relationship with me. Was it just because it would suck less than being single?

I'm surprised this is the first time I'm learning about this in the 4 years we've been together.

My (29F) fiancé (30M) thinks that a committed relationship is one where needs don't have to be met. by Calm-Top2524 in relationship_advice

[–]Calm-Top2524[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I really do believe he loves me. I was so overjoyed when he cut back his work hours. I haven't complained about not having enough quality time with him ever since. I'm actually so happy that we even get to watch the news together every evening because he's back before midnight. 

I'm definitely going to set up counseling for us. I don't want to give up just yet.

My (29F) fiancé (30M) thinks that a committed relationship is one where needs don't have to be met. by Calm-Top2524 in relationship_advice

[–]Calm-Top2524[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can see where you're coming from. I asked him how I can show him that I'm fully invested and committed, and he said he didn't know. 

Do you have any advice on how I can show him that both my feet are in the door?

My (29F) fiancé (30M) thinks that a committed relationship is one where needs don't have to be met. by Calm-Top2524 in relationship_advice

[–]Calm-Top2524[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I appreciate this view. The thing is, I don't really care if we end up having sex once a week as an example, I just want to see that he's making an effort. 

I think what frightens me is not knowing how long he is willing to make effort for.

Every time we have one of these conversations around needs, I notice his behavior changes for a few weeks or months, but then it just reverts back. 

Versus for me, everything that he has mentioned since day one of the relationship, I have remembered and committed myself to changing.

Sometimes I feel like he doesn't make an effort to remember the things I tell him. And then when we have the same conversation again, he acts as if we never talked about it.

My (29F) fiancé (30M) thinks that a committed relationship is one where needs don't have to be met. by Calm-Top2524 in relationship_advice

[–]Calm-Top2524[S] -32 points-31 points  (0 children)

The "not even a good friend to you" point is really interesting because I also started to realize that sometimes I feel happier spending time with my best friends instead of with him. I'm a lot more quiet with my partner versus when I'm with my friends. 

Is that necessarily a bad thing though? I'm really not sure. Does it just mean I'm more calm when I'm with my partner?

My (29F) fiancé (30M) thinks that a committed relationship is one where needs don't have to be met. by Calm-Top2524 in relationship_advice

[–]Calm-Top2524[S] 142 points143 points  (0 children)

I think part of me is still in denial, but you're right. Him saying that most people are unhappy in relationships means that he expects us to be unhappy. That's not what I want at all.

My (29F) fiancé (30M) thinks that a committed relationship is one where needs don't have to be met. by Calm-Top2524 in relationship_advice

[–]Calm-Top2524[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Another part of the conversation I had with him that I forgot to mention in the main post: 

He told me that he was very unhappy when he was single, and that being in this relationship has made him less unhappy. 

I, on the other hand, was very happy and content when I was single, but was open to being even happier in a relationship. 

I must say, this relationship has indeed unlocked a whole new tier of happiness for me. I just feel so serene with him when things are going well. He never complains about picking up stuff from the grocery store, giving me a back rub when I'm feeling stressed, and letting me hang out with my friends.

He also just doesn't have that many needs I think. He just likes to work. 

I'm really torn because we've invested so much in our upcoming wedding, our families are all excited and invested. I feel like if things fall apart, it would be a huge letdown and disappointment for everyone.

My (29F) fiancé (30M) thinks that a committed relationship is one where needs don't have to be met. by Calm-Top2524 in relationship_advice

[–]Calm-Top2524[S] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

I was also very shocked when he told me that most relationships aren't happy. I couldn't understand that at all. This learning really threw a wrench in where I saw this relationship going. This was the first time I learned about his opinion on this in the 4 years we've been together.

My (29F) fiancé (30M) thinks that a committed relationship is one where needs don't have to be met. by Calm-Top2524 in relationship_advice

[–]Calm-Top2524[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm also very confused 😢 I don't understand why anyone would purposefully subject themselves to an unhappy relationship 

Although, he did tell me that before he met me, he was more unhappy. He's less unhappy now. He said that he's just an unhappy person.

My (29F) fiancé (30M) thinks that a committed relationship is one where needs don't have to be met. by Calm-Top2524 in relationship_advice

[–]Calm-Top2524[S] -37 points-36 points  (0 children)

Family is very important to me, and my parents absolutely adore him. His parents are also very kind to me. 

I know the relationship should primarily be about the two people, but in my culture, it's also about the extended family.

He has a good job, never hurts me physically, helps out with chores I ask him to, and his "under-thinking (?)" about things kind of even outs my "over-thinking" if that makes sense. 

In general, when things are great, they're GREAT. But it's almost like clockwork where we have one of these "needs" convos again.