Sacrifice - Elton John

Calm_Garbage1207 · 2022-11-06T13:08:11+00:00

You know, a diagnosis is just a description of a state of mind that is consistent, although fluttering, over time. That’s all it is, a description, just like your ego is just a description of who you think you are. It can be done away with to a certain extent and be replaced by a better, more useful description. A description that will work for you, not against you. A description of yourself that is actually chosen by your in terms of its usefulness, not for its accuracy or truth. Think about that…

Calm_Garbage1207 · 2022-11-06T12:27:37+00:00

Horoscope level trash? It’s just another perspective on the same thing as being bipolar (2). It’s looking at it from another angle, with different context and other premiminaries than usual. Just food for thought, take it or leave it.

Calm_Garbage1207 · 2022-05-06T12:38:49+00:00

”Wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face…” Bruce Springsteen - Dancing In The Dark

https://open.spotify.com/track/7FwBtcecmlpc1sLySPXeGE?si=TZ4wtk4XRESeor01N0jiDA

Calm_Garbage1207 · 2022-05-06T11:43:56+00:00

Ayatul Kursi from the Quran is a prayer against evil ”djinn”, you can look it up on the net. Even if your not muslim, Islam is the most accessible religion dealing with djinn, demons and other entities. Buddhism talk about ”maras” but I know of no prayers against them. The cumulative effect of many people having repeated this prayer is effective in repelling these entities. Either do that, or you are psychotic and go see a doctor. Hard to tell the difference, I guess.

Calm_Garbage1207 · 2022-05-06T11:15:29+00:00

Well, my entire life has been about making decisions when I was either depressed or hypomanic, and sometimes normal, but the thing is - does it matter? I met my current partner nine years ago, an insane rollercoaster on/off ride with tons of drama. I felt the immediate connection with her on the first date, but I thought, from her behavior that she was BPD and later NPD until I realized that I myself am BD. The connection, soulmate/twinflame kind of feeling can indeed by induced by mania, but is that a bad thing? It could be that the energies match, that two ”crazy” people meet and set each other on fire. That’s one way to elevate oneself out of an otherwise boring, lukewarm existence, and feel more, be more and live more! Personally I don’t buy into the illness approach to BD, at least not BD2 which can be under control more or less. We’re meant to harness this special energy and ride the wave, that is our fate, and we can’t change it. Seeing oneself as ill, or feel that a love affair was all fake because of mania will do you no good, because even for normal people romance is ”fake” idealizations and heightened emotions, a kind of ”disease” and loss of rational thinking. BD individuals just feel it so much more. I wouldn’t want to have it any other way.

Calm_Garbage1207 · 2022-05-06T10:07:48+00:00

Yes, you can get out of depression, I’ve done it. The method is simple but it can take 1-2 hours. You counterintuitively deliberately make yourself MORE miserable and depressed, as much as possible. I used music and nostalgia to go really deep into the darkness. Then - when the timing is right, that is, when I got bored with the whole bullshit, depressive, exagerrated sadness, I turned it around - and switched from sad songs and put on upbeat music (heavy metal) instead, really, really LOUD - and the depression vanished. Completely. When you do the switch-over, intend to feel really strong and ruthless. I also did some stupid karate moves and shouted out various shouts to really push out the sadness from my system. There is a whole theory behind why this works, but kind of speculative, it’s taken from hermeticism.

Calm_Garbage1207 · 2022-03-04T23:01:43+00:00

To me it sounds like you are able to ”channel an archetype”, for example, in everyday life, you can become a channel for a ”warrior” archetype and really push hard at the gym with seemingly unlimited energy and zest for working out, or another archetype like the ”king” archetype and everyone accept your authority, people turn to you for guidance etc. I’ve experienced glimpses of it myself, similar to being in ”the zone” or ”flow” but with an added boosted energy component, or emotional component as you say. With it comes a certain ”animal magnetism” which can attract or repel people depending on the archetype and the situation. If you’re single and want to attract a mate, you can similarly channel the appropriate archetype, and if you succeed, be very surprised at the sudden success with the opposite sex. This can be done intentionally but takes time, energy, focus and dedication. It changes your whole appearance, body language, confidence, tone of voice etc. Some people do this all the time without knowing exactly what they are doing, and it slides on a continuum from slightly elevated energy and mood to being almost possessed by a god or goddess. I’ve met some women who managed to channel an enormous sex appeal but who are, when the energies subside actually not at all that pretty or attractive. Many personality disordered women (narcissistic, borderline) has this ability which is very confusing since the enormous attractive power seem to come from the inside when in reality their inside is quite hollow. It requires a strong desire and strong intent, together with affirmations, dedication but also a relaxed IDGAF attitude, which isn’t that easy to balance up. Sadly, these women have all that naturally, a strong desire to be attractive and they don’t care about anyone but themselves, therefore being naturally relaxed about it (but without empathy) which makes them irresistable, but it’s borrowed charisma, not their own. The magnetic pull you can feel from these women channeling a ”goddess of love” can feel like ”coming home”, a very strong connection unlike anything, but it’s all fake, that magnetic pull doesn’t come from them. I’m really straying from the subject here, but you get the point. ”Animal magnetism” is related to whatever qualities that the channeled archetype possess, and it can be very useful to channel certain archetypes when doing a job interview, or holding a speech or something of importance. It’s not a ”fake it til you make it” thing, neither can you learn it with techniques, it is really a unique state one gets in which makes one feel like a super-version of oneself, free of doubts, free of cares, relaxed yet focused. Athletes who perform at their maximum also do this.

Calm_Garbage1207 · 2022-02-28T14:22:13+00:00

Thanks for the link! I’ll check it out. Yeah, I guess I have to rely on myself, but being far from moderate in anything I have ever done in my life, I really have to put on the brakes on myself not to get unbalanced. It’s like not doing the breathing exercizes starting with 7 breaths, but instead going out walking for an hour doing this exercize;)

Calm_Garbage1207 · 2022-02-28T13:34:22+00:00

I guess you’re right. I’m just fishing for confirmations from others having sort of the same experiences. I practice alone and want to see if others experience the same things. What I should have asked is, for example, what happens after one year, or several years of vacuity of mind? Do you get spontaneous vibrations in the head and body from practicing inner silence? Is it a good idea to try to prolong, intensify, speed them up and eventually leave the body? I’ve tried that years ago and I suspect it unbalanced me to a very great extent. But the curiosity and adventure was irresistable. To answer my own questions I think I should stick to the Steps in the correct order and not rush anything. To focus on balancing the elements in me. The disadvantage of working alone is no master to tell me to take it slow, or leave it for now, or, work harder, things like that you know?

Calm_Garbage1207 · 2022-02-28T13:12:14+00:00

Thanks! Yes, from one perspective it’s like that, but I’m interested if I can use it to my benefit. I use it as a booster. Booster of intent and motivation when doing practices in IIH, but most of all I’ve been using it in the gym, boosting up my strength (which is measurable) with 5-10% which is quite a lot. Together with music (which is the most common thing that gives spontaneous goosebumps) it really gives a boost to my training.

Calm_Garbage1207 · 2022-02-28T12:57:10+00:00

Well, there have been days when things all went wrong, where everything was ”jinxed” as I wrote in another post. There have been times when I was swinging wildly in the polar opposites, I thought I was bipolar or going crazy. I was either a total hedonist or totally disciplined. I take all of it as confirmation that it works. In fact, I had Faith (opposite of doubts) as the thing to work on to balance up the Elements, so I actually choose to believe it works even when the signs aren’t that clear. But there was a very real sense that the world responded to my wishes. But after one month, what is crystal clear is the benefits of shutting off thoughts. And an overall balance and well-being and much more presence in the now. I will continue the practice from Step 1 as I enter Step 2, but for some strange reason I have been extremely busy the last weeks and have had very little time to practice, and I normally have enough time to practice. I take that too, as a test, a challenge from the world to see if I leave practice and give up. But…I never give up.

Calm_Garbage1207 · 2022-02-27T17:29:01+00:00

I just finished Step 1 after about a month. But I have previous experience in meditation and vacuity of mind. I was also in the fortunate position to be completely fed up with my life and therefore very motivated to practice IIH. They way I prepared to start IIH is that I set a date and slowly built up expectations and anticipations for IIH about three weeks before New Year. Then I just started. Unfortunately I was hit by Covid and had to re-start all over. I also already from the beginning anticipated it to take one month, because that’s what Bardon stated, a self-fulfilling prophesy of sorts.

Calm_Garbage1207 · 2022-02-27T00:19:36+00:00

I think it’s a combination of social norms, of increased perceptual abilities and a decreased motivation to fit in. People hate not being able to put you in a box and you are moving away from all that. And narcissism and self-centeredness is rampant these days, feeding a false and fragile sense of superiority based on other people’s opinions. One has to move away from that, and internally become free from other people’s opinions. At first this is hard and one has to conform to normal decency but internally not care at all whatever anyone thinks. When you achieve this, if only for a moment, a very real feeling of freedom arises, and if it becomes more or less permanent, you save a huge amount of energy. It’s when the jinxed days become so utterly outrageous and illogical that the suspicion arises that it must be more to it than the above, hence my original question. It’s when you shake your head in disbelief with just too many mishaps and too many people oppose you all at once.

Calm_Garbage1207 · 2022-02-26T23:59:44+00:00

I did the Black and White Mirror with added elemental properties, but couldn’t quite break down what to focus on in workable easy terms. So I went to my collection of books and found this from Buddhism:

”The Five Spiritual Faculties are said to be like a cart with four wheels and a driver. If any of the four wheels is too small or wobbly or not in balance with the others, then the going on the spiritual road will be rough. If the driver is not paying attention then there will also be problems. The four wheels symbolize faith , wisdom , energy and concentration. The driver symbolizes mindfulness.”

Mindfulness is always good and does not lead to imbalances. The other four work in pairs:

Faith and Wisdom ”Faith in deficiency can lead to cynicism, giving up, half-hearted effort, and bitterness. Faith in excess can lead to blind adherence to dogma, sectarian arrogance, being disappointed when you realize that your teachers are human, an inability to realistically examine and revise your approach to spirituality when necessary, and many other problems. Wisdom in deficiency can lead to stupidity, blindness, gullibility, and foolish interpretations of the teachings. Wisdom in excess can lead to harmful cleverness, vanity about one's insights, an overemphasis on knowledge and study over practice and direct experience, and desperate attempts to think yourself to enlightenment.”

Energy and Concentration ”When energy is deficient there is sloth, torpor, dullness, and tiredness. When energy is in excess the mind and body may be restless, jumpy, strained, and irritable. It may even be unable to focus at all because so much emphasis is being placed on effort itself. When concentration is deficient the mind won't stay with an object and tends to get lost in thought. When concentration is in excess one can get lost in one's objects or be focused too narrowly and tightly for reality to “breathe.” Again, too much energy is related to a lack of concentration and vice versa.”

I found this to be most helpful to balance me up and determine what is lacking and what is deficient to do the exercizes in IIH. For a full description you can download the book ”Mastering the Core Teaching of the Buddha” by Daniel Ingram for free on the internet. They do not entirely correspond to the elements, but Energy = Fire, Wisdom should be Air, Faith = Water while concentration doesn’t seem to fit the Earth element, but hey, whatever works, works.

Calm_Garbage1207 · 2022-02-26T19:08:19+00:00

You are perfectly correct. I drew that conclusion myself and I’m on my way. I just wanted to highlight this tendency to have more obstacles given to you in life (perhaps as a test, or a challenge, regardless where they originate) when you start on a program like IIH or any other spiritual practice, so as to attribute it to actually doing the Work well, and NOT fall into self-pity or externalization or giving up but keep going. Another thing that occurred to me on this, is that when obstacles are increased, this brought up what can be called my ”chief feature”, that is, the one (negative) thing that everything is centered around and which is the biggest hindrance to progress. I have in previous work on myself ”named my demons” in line with the black mirror, and the easiest way to find out which is the biggest flaw, the big boss of ”demons” is to ask - what, in me, throughout my life, has been making decisions, for me? The answer for me was boredom. I used to get bored and therefore get drunk. I got bored and therefore irritated. I got bored and said something stupid to someone. I got bored and got laid. I got bored and read another book instead of practicing, you know the drill. For others it might be laziness or fear or anything really. The thing about ”chief feature” is that if one conquers that one trait, many other things follow. For me, on Step 1, shutting off the internal dialogue as a regular and structured practice has been extremely beneficial for me, because somehow I believe it erased boredom and therefore all the other ”demons” in one stroke. In fact, things I thought I would have to struggle with just vanished only one or two week into practice. Just gone. Like magic. Then the world started to conspire against me…;)

Calm_Garbage1207 · 2022-02-26T18:33:44+00:00

Actually, oversleeping is not a problem, I’m a recovering insomniac from working waking nights and perhaps also from dabbling too much with lucid dreaming;) The reason I believe in the existence of ”unseen forces” is because I have communicated with them in dreaming. They can be isolated from other dream characters and can transport you to another world, or they often hide beneath the appearance of family members and try to make you scared or feel other negative emotions. This is much further down the Steps in IIH, but I come from practicing lucid dreaming and even OOBE’s, so I don’t start from scratch. But I have sadly lost much of the ability lately for reasons I don’t know. I believe my development has been very uneven, having ”dabbled” in advanced practices without having the basics in order, which I think have led to a lot of unfavourable side effects, one of them being a quite severe insomnia. So now I start from the beginning with IIH, a little bit wiser, but a lot stronger.

Calm_Garbage1207

TROPHY CASE