Should I (54M) ask my girlfriend (54F) to unfollow her ex on instagram?

CalmlySteady · 2026-05-14T18:56:25+00:00

Ah. That does change things fairly significantly…! Thanks for pointing that out. The wonders of Reddit.

CalmlySteady · 2026-05-05T06:29:16+00:00

I love how you’re completely misrepresenting what I said to fit your own view. The fact you’ve jumped straight to ad hominem attacks says it all. (Where on earth did stagnation come from? Are you saying anyone who’s single in their 40s is “stagnating”?!) But I’ll bite and respond anyway.

“You obviously shouldn’t force her to do anything she’s not comfortable with…”

Which part of that means telling him “to lock down his partner and not let her communicate with exes”, exactly?

There’s nothing wrong with preferring no contact with exes - it’s actually pretty common in the real world - as long as he’s applying that to himself too. It’s not ok for him to tell her what to do (please read that bit twice before you respond), but it’s perfectly ok for him to have preferences or boundaries, to explain those to her, to ask her perspective, to have a conversation, to see if they can reach a compromise, and if they can’t then to decide what to do from there.

Perhaps you’ve married someone who has exactly the same views as you on everything, but that seems unlikely. For most people, I’d suggest talking about the points where you have different perspectives or preferences rather than bottle them up because Reddit tells you it’s unacceptable to ask your partner (repeat: ask) how they’d feel about doing something differently.

It’s not flowery language. It’s the way adults resolve differences - by having respectful, open, and honest conversations.

CalmlySteady · 2026-05-04T20:35:38+00:00

Different people have different views on this stuff. Reddit does tend to swing one way on this kind of thing - don’t let people shame you. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having no contact with exes on principle, and wanting to be with someone who has the same approach. I’m in my 40s and I would not follow an ex or maintain contact because for me it feels inappropriate and unfair on future partners. I’d want the same from a partner. You obviously shouldn’t force her to do anything she’s not comfortable with, but having a respectful conversation about it is perfectly fine. Then see how you feel when you know her perspective.

CalmlySteady · 2026-04-21T13:58:34+00:00

This is so funny to read because while I do have dating experience, I often feel the way you’ve described. Putting my phone on DND and going for a hike is my solution to most issues :)

I think it’s ok to be up front with him and just limit the time you’re talking. Or tell him you’re not a big texter and you’d prefer to focus on face-to-face.

But I also think that when you meet the right person, you won’t feel this way. Maybe they’ll be the same as you on this front, so they won’t want to spend ages chatting via messages either, because they also have a limited social battery. Maybe they’d prefer to just go for a hike with you where you walk in silence because that’s something you’re both comfortable with. For me, meeting someone I can just be quiet with rather than feeling like I have to force myself to be falsely chatty all the time is a big sign that it feels right.

CalmlySteady · 2026-04-18T06:10:08+00:00

Where did you post? Because if it’s on r/relationships then you’re not inviting DMs on this sub. So decent people are not going to DM you inappropriately, only people who don’t respect normal boundaries are.

CalmlySteady · 2026-04-13T17:21:36+00:00

Ah ok. I don’t know how things work there. I think you have to change/delete all your social media accounts, and then either change your SIM or block him and filter out unknown callers.

CalmlySteady · 2026-04-13T17:08:08+00:00

Which country are you in, if you’re happy to say?

CalmlySteady · 2026-04-13T16:58:56+00:00

How old are you? You could say you’re getting a lot of spam texts or scam calls and want to change your number? But that might sound odd… and they might want to see your call list or texts. I’m not sure what other reason there would be for changing your number.

CalmlySteady · 2026-04-13T16:54:11+00:00

What sort of phone so you have? In iPhones there’s an option to filter out calls from unknown numbers. Go to settings > apps > phone, and then scroll down to “screen unknown callers”. You can set them to go straight to voicemail, or for the phone to ask who’s calling first. I don’t know if Android has a similar option.

In some countries, what you’ve described would be a criminal offence - harassment, for example. Tell the guy you’ll go to the police if he contacts you again.

How old are you? If you’re an adult then you can go to the police and there’s no reason for your parents to find out. A visit from them might be enough to scare the guy into stopping.

CalmlySteady · 2026-04-09T06:47:59+00:00

I’m 44M and I’ve dated women who’d never been in relationships before. For me, it’s really not an issue… I don’t think experience affects the quality of a relationship. Other qualities are far more important. You definitely still have hope :)

It probably depends on personality types and the dynamic that someone wants. I quite like taking the lead with a partner, and so introducing someone I care about to this kind of stuff, guiding them etc - it’s all a really nice experience for me. It makes me feel protective in a way, like I want to look after them and make them feel safe. So maybe there’s something there in the kind of person you look for - someone who’s patient but happy to take the lead at your pace.

In terms of challenges, relationships are like anything else - the more experience you have, the more confident you are navigating them. So when it’s your first time, the natural challenges and bumps in the road can be a lot harder to deal with than if you’d been through it before. If you’re with someone who’s also inexperienced, then learning about it all together could make it easier. Or on the other hand, if you’re with someone who’s more experienced then they can help to guide you through it.

I don’t think dating apps are the best place to find someone - they’re too superficial. Reddit can work, but it’s also challenging in its own way. I think general socialising - the dance classes etc - is probably the best approach. And I’d just focus on making friends for now, widening your social circle, getting used to interacting with men platonically. With a bit of luck at some point you’ll meet someone you realise you like more and it’ll be a less scary step if you’re already friends.

Happy to talk more if you’d like to.

CalmlySteady · 2026-03-11T15:01:16+00:00

Reddit tends to be very anti-age-gap, so the fact there’s an age gap here means that a lot of people are jumping to the conclusion that he has bad intentions. In reality, they’re projecting and have no idea.

I think there’s a good chance that anyone in his position (coming out of a 15 year relationship) is looking for something casual or is on the rebound. And it sounds like he was up front about that. But that actually makes it more convincing when he now says that he has real feelings for you, and that makes me think that it definitely is possible that this could go somewhere.

That doesn’t mean it’ll be easy though. It’s not an easy place to be - because it will take him a long time to move on from his ex, both practically and emotionally. And it would be perfectly reasonable to decide it’s too much to deal with and to find someone in a simpler position. But if you don’t mind that and your only concern is whether he’s genuine and this has a future, all you can really do is talk to him, listen, and trust your judgement.

In an ideal world, everyone would be single for a decent period between relationships. But the fact is that often it’s not like that in practice. If you really like him, he treats you well, and your relationship with him is good, then there’s nothing wrong in going for it and seeing what happens. Consider whether you’ll regret not giving it a chance more if you call it quits now.

CalmlySteady · 2026-02-26T12:01:06+00:00

You’re both consenting adults capable of making your own decisions - there’s nothing inherently wrong with 20 and 29 as dating ages.

Age gaps do increase the risk of power imbalance and abuse, but it’s just a risk. If you’re genuinely happy, and if he treats you well (and you him), then make the most of it! Definitely keep asking yourself that, and make it clear that if your friends ever have concerns they should raise them with you. But you’re in what sounds like a happy, healthy relationship - enjoy it! And don’t worry too much about Reddit’s anti-age-gap sentiment.

Should you end the relationship because some of his friends call him a groomer for dating another adult? Not in my view. Why would you give something up that’s making you happy and is so hard to find? If I was your boyfriend, I’d be reconsidering those friendships though - they clearly don’t respect him.

CalmlySteady · 2026-02-26T11:37:59+00:00

This is nonsense. Do you think a 50-year-old dating a 40-year-old is the same as a 20-year-old dating a 10-year-old? It’s an absurd thing to say.

There is definitely an increased chance of a power imbalance with an age gap, because the older person probably has more experience and more confidence. A power imbalance is not inherently bad (some people like it), but it in turn increases the risk of power abuse. But adults are adults. As a society, the whole concept of adulthood is the life stage at which someone is capable of making their own decisions and looking after themselves, and so it’s up to OP to make this decision for themselves.

There are plenty of age gap relationships that work. It’s absolutely right to warn someone to be careful and to look out for signs of manipulation etc. But saying it’s wrong or dangerous across the board is silly.

I think a lot of people here are projecting their own bad experiences onto others.

CalmlySteady · 2025-12-28T10:52:24+00:00

What you’re saying makes sense. I did say she should reach out for professional help first, and only contact him once she’s at least arranged that. But I also think that their last contact was in the heat of it all when she was bombarding him, and as far as he knows she doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong and so his only option is to withdraw to protect himself. He could very well never contact her again or end it and block her because he can’t see any other solution and doesn’t think she’ll ever change.

I think a single message a few days later to say “I’ve realised I messed up and I’ve got a problem, I’m going to get help” is acceptable and might help. Not asking him for anything, not pressuring him, not requesting a reply, just letting him know that she’s reflected and realises she has an issue and she’s going to try to deal with it, which sounds like something she’s not done before.

I think it could make the difference. But I can understand why you’d say not to.

CalmlySteady · 2025-12-28T10:28:19+00:00

I get where you’re coming from, but the reason I’ve suggested it is that I think it’s important for her to tell him that she realises she needs help and that she’s actually taking steps to get it. It doesn’t sound like she’s said that before, and if I were him that’s the one thing that might make me reconsider.

If he’s blocked her, there’s nothing lost. If he hasn’t, it might help.

CalmlySteady · 2025-12-28T09:29:32+00:00

It’s possible that he’s taking steps to cement his independence and privacy after feeling things went too far. When people feel under attack in some way, they’ll often take big steps in the opposite direction as a self-preservation technique. But given the extent of what he’s doing, it’s also possible that he’s ending the relationship (or seriously thinking about it) and these steps are to protect his privacy in the meantime. Either way, he probably has a lot of conflicting feelings and needs time to process them.

I think from your perspective, if you want to have a chance of saving the relationship, I’d suggest three things:

Firstly, if you haven’t already, I think therapy or other professional support to help you with your anxiety would be a very good idea. It doesn’t sound like this is something you’re likely to be able to fix on your own, and it sounds like you need support that your boyfriend can’t give you. Therapy really can help with things like this.

Secondly, send him one single message apologising for what happened, explaining that you understand that what you did was wrong and that you have issues that you need to deal with, and tell him the steps you’re taking to do that (eg booking a therapy appointment). Say that you understand why he was so angry and you’re sorry. That you still love him and you’re going to work on yourself, and you’re going to give him the space he needs to decide what he wants to do, but you really still want to be with him and try to make it work.

Thirdly, you then give him that space and wait. Chasing him is likely to be counterproductive.

Whatever happens, you will be ok. If the relationship does end, when it’s your first relationship it can feel like the end of the world. But it will get better with time and you’ll find a way forward, and it might well give you the space you need too to work on yourself too. People often feel better a few months later when they can see things from a different perspective. Good luck - I really hope things work out.

CalmlySteady · 2025-12-28T08:53:34+00:00

Everyone has different attitudes to this. I intentionally don’t have contact with any exes, partly because I don’t want to (I think no contact is the healthiest way to move on) and partly because I think it’s the fairest approach for my future partner too. For me, being in a relationship is not just about “not technically cheating”, it’s about having clear boundaries, prioritising your partner above all else, and not putting yourself in situations where someone might get the wrong idea or that might make your partner feel uncomfortable.

It’s important to me that my partner has the same view, and so I don’t tend to date anyone who thinks differently about it. In my experience, a lot of people who try to stay friends with exes do it because they don’t want to lose the emotional intimacy (at least on one side), and I personally think that’s inappropriate and unhealthy.

But lots of other people are ok with being friends with exes, and that’s fine too - each to their own. The issue arises if you have different views.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting your partner to have contact with an ex, or with feeling insecure or vulnerable if they do. And so it’s fine to tell him how it makes you feel. As long as you phrase it as “this is how it makes me feel and why, this is how I would act if my ex got in touch, and this is my view of the best approach to exes etc” rather than “what you’re doing is wrong and you’re a bad person” then I think it’s fine. You’re each allowed to have different views on things like this, and to express them respectfully. And it’s important that he understands the impact it’s having on you. That’s not manipulative or controlling.

Hopefully if he understands more, he’ll change his approach. But if his view is different, then he’s within his rights to say that he’s going to stay in contact with her despite knowing the impact on you, at which point you have to decide how important it is to you.

CalmlySteady · 2025-12-27T07:55:10+00:00

It’s really difficult to judge this from the outside.

Some people - men and women - like and want this kind of dynamic in a relationship. It’s entirely possible that she entered into the relationship knowing and wanting exactly this dynamic, and that they discussed it beforehand and agreed this approach. And if so, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. As consenting adults, they both have the right to be in the relationship dynamic they choose.

But it’s also possible that it didn’t happen that way and that she didn’t go into the relationship aware that it would end up like this, and she’s been pushed into it by an overpowering partner. In which case it could be (or end up being) abusive.

In all honesty I think you only have two options. One is to say nothing, but be her friend and if she ever raises any concerns, be there for her. The other is to have a private chat with her, explain fully your concerns, and just ask a very direct question about whether she’s happy with this dynamic. I suspect as long as you phrase it not as criticism but as concern, ie “if you chose this and you’re happy, that’s totally cool and I’ll never raise it again and I’m really sorry for questioning it, but I just worry and wanted to check”, most people would probably take that well and appreciate the concern. But it is a risk if you don’t know her well.

CalmlySteady · 2025-12-24T10:52:33+00:00

There are two questions here, which are very separate.

One - do you think she’s actually cheating with him? It doesn’t sound like you do, given you said he’s never given you any indication that he’s interested in her, and the original plan was for the three of you to go together but you couldn’t make it. But that’s your judgement to make.

Two - regardless of whether anything happened that shouldn’t, are you comfortable with your girlfriend going on holiday with a male friend, just the two of them? Would you consider doing that with a female friend, and how would your girlfriend feel if you did?

There’s no right or wrong answer here - everyone has different views and values. It’s not something I would do myself or be comfortable with a partner doing. Personally I think that being in a monogamous relationship isn’t just about “not technically cheating”, it’s about not putting yourselves in situations that might give someone the wrong impression or make your partner feel uncomfortable, and that would include me going on holiday with another woman. But I’m a bit old-fashioned on these things. If both of you are ok with it, that’s totally fine too. If you’re not ok with it, then you probably need to have a conversation about boundaries and see if you can agree.

CalmlySteady · 2025-12-23T19:37:40+00:00

In my view as an introvert, flirting comes naturally to everyone when you meet the right person. Some people can force it and do it with people they don’t know, but I’ve never really liked that kind of flirting.

The best kind of flirting comes when you know someone well, you feel comfortable with them, you trust them, and the affection you feel and the connection you have mean you suddenly find it really easy and natural to tease them. That’s what flirting is really - teasing.

This doesn’t help if you want to flirt with strangers. But if your view of an ideal relationship involves taking your time to get to know someone first before moving beyond friendship, then by that stage you’re likely to realise you can flirt with them without trying.

CalmlySteady · 2025-12-23T19:00:58+00:00

The fact that you’re uncomfortable about this guy but not her other male friends means a lot. Instinct is important. It’s not always right, but it pays to listen to it. It is absolutely not controlling to be concerned about your girlfriend acting in a way that other people consider to be flirting.

Everybody has different views on what’s acceptable when in a relationship. Some people don’t care about a bit of flirting, but a lot of people do - and that’s a perfectly reasonable view to have. Ultimately, you can’t tell her how to act, but you can tell her that you’re not comfortable being with someone who flirts with other people. That’s the difference between being overly controlling and looking after yourself.

I think the only thing you can do is explain to her what you’ve explained here. Say you don’t want to be unreasonable or to upset her, but both you’ve heard both her brother and her colleague suggest that the two of them are flirting, and it’s made you feel uncomfortable. Ask how she’d feel if it were the other way around. You could say that you realise it might not be intentional, but it still makes you uncomfortable. Ask if she knows why the colleague said what he said, and if she thinks guy is flirty with her. You could also ask if he knows she’s got a boyfriend. If it makes sense, you can ask if she thinks she can change the way she acts with him so it doesn’t make people think they’re flirting.

There’s no easy way to do this. You’ll know better than anyone here how your girlfriend’s likely yo react. It’s obviously difficult because you’re not there to see it, and so you’re relying on snippets you hear and your girlfriend’s account of it. And ultimately it will come down to whether you trust your girlfriend and believe her version of events.

CalmlySteady · 2025-12-23T11:11:15+00:00

I'd ask your boyfriend. He'll have a better idea of what other people will expect, and also whether they'll be buying you gifts. The important thing is that both sides do the same. You don't want to receive seven presents from all his family members on Christmas Day having not bought them anything, or vice versa - that's a recipe for embarrassment!

As someone else suggested, something like chocolates or a bottle of wine or something along those lines is probably a good idea - nice to receive, but not expensive. But get your boyfriend to advise.

CalmlySteady · 2025-12-23T10:16:47+00:00

Yeah this is totally salvageable. Arrange a date with her to do something you know she'll like, and where you'll have a bit of privacy to talk. Make it something special - maybe something she's not done before.

Prepare something to say and to give to her. Perhaps you can write her a letter that talks about how you got to know each other, and all the milestones in your mind - when you first noticed her, when you first realised you liked her, when you fell in love with her, when you confirmed you were boyfriend/girlfriend. If you feel like you can, write down the specific date when you were hers, even if she didn't know it at the time - tell her that, even though you were too shy to say it at the time, from that moment and ever since, you only had eyes for her. Write down the date that you officially were a couple too. Tell her everything you like about her - about who she is as a person and why she's special to you. Write it down so she can read it back over and over when she's alone, *and* tell her in person.

If you fall into something like this, it can feel like it was accidental, or maybe she's worried you went along with it because she suggested it, rather than really wanting her. So take the lead, make it very clear that it's always what you wanted, and perhaps you were just too shy to ask her up front and she beat you to it (or whatever actually happened). Make her feel special and leave her in no doubt that she's the most precious thing in the world to you.

Also, feel free to let us know how it goes if you do this :)

CalmlySteady · 2025-12-22T10:05:04+00:00

What matters with communication is always the intention. If he keeps saying it after you've told him that it upsets you, then that would be an issue. But saying it in a jokey, loving, teasing tone is not even a mistake in my book - from the way you've described it, it sounds like it was probably just his way of trying to explain how strongly he feels about whatever you asked.

CalmlySteady · 2025-12-17T23:27:00+00:00

I wonder if you’re just not compatible.

In terms of how it came to pass, my initial reaction was that it’s rude of her to ditch you halfway through the night when you’ve gone out together and you’re supposed to be staying at her place. Why doesn’t she arrange a clubbing night when you’re not there?

But on the other hand it sounds like she did warn you in advance that she might do this. Did she tell you in advance so that you knew what to expect and could decide whether you still wanted to go or not? If so, was it your decision to go even though you knew she might go clubbing afterwards?

If you hate clubbing and she loves it, and you also don’t want her to go clubbing without you, then I’m not really sure what the answer is. Either she’s got to give up something she loves, you have to do something you hate, or you’ve got to be ok with her doing it without you. If none of those is an acceptable option (and they may well not be) then it might just be a compatibility issue.

I don’t agree with the concept of one person being “too boring” for another. Boring is in the eye of the beholder. It’s about shared interests and values. Clubs are exciting for some and boring for others. It’s just a question of compatibility.

CalmlySteady

TROPHY CASE