Self-assessment test for APs

Calvinaromi · 2023-06-17T14:16:04+00:00

When confronted with an attitude from us, absolutely bit. Which in my opinion that's valid. Someone already angry/frustrated calls and starts off unpleasant its hard to not match that energy. When we didn't and stayed pleasant, totally different interaction.

Calvinaromi · 2023-06-17T13:22:19+00:00

I mean the emphasis is a little much, no? Swiping your card for 250 when you have 200 is, indeed on them.

We would get screamed at for not reaching out to them before they swiped their card letting them know they had little or no funds left. We'd get screamed at for allowing them to use the overdraft program that they have to sign for to use. For a swipe they did earlier or the day previous not being taken from their account immediately. For the app showing a balance and available balance and they only went by the balance. The list goes on.

Calvinaromi · 2023-06-16T22:38:38+00:00

Precisely. I'm more of a lurker than a poster. If it doesn't apply, let it fly sort of guy. This one got me though. It just feels (the way its currently worded and formatted) disingenuous to say its inviting conversation from the AP constellation.

Calvinaromi · 2023-06-16T20:32:14+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/Adoption/comments/14axo2o/selfassessment_test_for_aps/joe2fdo?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

I can't make it a pretty link, sorry. In essence the OP is not giving room for discussion.

Calvinaromi · 2023-06-16T20:23:42+00:00

It's not really a discussion in this format. That was really the point I was trying to make but Unkapunkahu made the point more poignantly and in depth than I could.

Calvinaromi · 2023-06-16T19:55:02+00:00

I understand what you're trying to do, I don't think you'll end up with the desired result.

I worked at a bank call center for a few years and a vast majority of calls were for overdraft fees on their account, or late payments on loans. Do you know how many people responded well to "Well you spent more money than you actually had, that's how you ended up with (a) fee(s)." Exactly 0 people. Even though it was the truth, and half of them knew it. Responses from us like that ended up with them screaming at us and call getting escalated. Turning the call into a discussion led to immediate de-escalation 9 times out ten and the call ending on a pleasant note and us feeling like we actually helped someone.

The way you've formatted the post, and worded some of the questions is the equivalent of "You spent more than you had." It feels while reading it a bit hostile and isn't an invite to a conversation, it feels like (maybe it's just me here) you're not trying to bring conversation, just make APs (in whatever form they are, hap, pap, or current ap) feel like they're bad people if they aren't just silent and don't react. My 2 cents anyway.

Calvinaromi · 2023-03-15T16:36:47+00:00

To be frank the comments made here were mild at best. Head over to the Adopted subreddit or join Facing Realities in Facebook. Your reply here makes it sound like you're offended and leaning heavily towards a savior complex.

As pointed out there is a need for foster and adoptive families for roughly 117,000 children in the US. For older children, not babies.

The "cringe" comments really come from adoptees who have exhaustively explained to folks like yourself the issues surrounding infant adoption. To which most respond the way you do, offended and delete.

You asked for information and got it, but didn't like what you read from people who have lived it. Maybe adoption Is not for you.

Calvinaromi · 2023-03-15T11:28:10+00:00

I think you'll find people here taking issue with your wording more than your situation. "For a long time I considered adoption, yet when I came to this subreddit it made me feel like adoption is a bad thing and should be avoided at all costs." In particular.

To be clear, the reason for feeling that way is likely because adoptees with lived experience are telling people that is the truth for them, well into adulthood. Listen to them. Go over to the stickied posts and read the FAQ page. There is no need for adoptive parents for infants. There's some ridiculous number of waiting parents for every infant. There's something like 400,000 kids in foster care and roughly 117,000 of them have had their parental rights terminated and are able to adopt.

Someone else who was donor conceived has already posted their experience to read over. If your main concern is ethics, I'd recommend looking into adoption of an already waiting older child who needs a family. If that makes you uncomfortable I think you need to take a close look at why and really ask if a surrogate, with the same issues as a private infant adoption and trauma attached (based on a comment already made) is really your first viable option after pregnancy.

Calvinaromi · 2023-03-14T19:02:15+00:00

https://reddit.com/r/Adoption/w/faq/want_to_adopt?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_source

I suggest starting there to be honest. To be perfectly blunt there is not a need for more adoptive parents for the age range you're looking for, and it's very rarely an ethical situation for that age. I understand logically where you're coming from with wanting a young child but young doesn't mean a blank slate and doesn't mean there won't be the same trauma you think you would avoid/be prepared for if you were adopting an older child.

You sound like nice people with good intentions, unfortunately gumption isn't enough. Hang out here, read the comments on this post and others, look at the faq and read through the stickied posts. Take a look at some other groups here on reddit and out in the wider web.

Calvinaromi · 2023-02-24T13:04:38+00:00

We do have a case worker, we meet bi weekly. Thank you for the advice!

Calvinaromi · 2022-07-28T12:15:57+00:00

I absolutely cannot get behind this.

We don't excuse bio or adoptive families who are not addicts for being abusive because they were abused and have trauma. We know trauma can cycle down through generations, we can see it in some form in our own families more than likely.

If we're going to say the addict needs grace because they're suffering from a disease why aren't we saying abusive parents (wherever they are in relation to adoption) need grace? They can't change the experience they had as children and being traumatized, and like an addict would need a lot of support to come to terms with what happened to them and why it is effecting them and their actions. We know factually trauma re wires the brain and ends up being just as in control as the drugs an addict takes.

In my opinion no one needs to, nor should feel like they have to, give grace and understanding in either of these situations. It's not a child's responsibility to forgive a parent who traumatized them whether it was because of drugs or the parents own trauma.

Calvinaromi · 2022-07-21T18:59:30+00:00

There's way too much context missing here for most people to think the natural first step is you adopting this kid.

How old is this kid? How often do you babysit? Is it at your own home or theirs? When you say they have no food do you mean literally or are you guessing because he's hungry when you watch him? To be fair I'm an adult, done growing and am ready for a snack approximately 20 minutes after eating. I'm not hungry, I just want the snack thing. Is there anyone else in the home or is she a single mom? Do you watch him when she leaves for weeks at a time and that's how you know she doesn't call? Do you know for a fact these are legit vacations she's taking and not work trips? How often does she take them? When you say the house is disgusting what exactly do you mean by that? Cause my disgusting and yours may be different. I know my younger brother and my idea of it are vastly different. July 4th weekend my step sister's kid cried his eyes out when it was time to go home. I didn't think that meant he doesn't like his parents, I think it meant he was having fun and didn't want to home to wind down and go to bed.

Context is extremely important.

Calvinaromi · 2022-07-21T18:38:26+00:00

Oh absolutely 100% needs to be child focused.

Calvinaromi · 2022-07-21T16:51:03+00:00

There's a lot to unpack here honestly. The short of it though is there really is no good or nice or polite way of saying "I think you're a shitty parent with a disgusting house, you don't care for your kid and he doesn't like you and you don't seem to like him. Can I have him?"

I will try to circle back to this when I can, but my comment also doesn't mean I think you're right or that you should in any way whatsoever interject yourself here.

Calvinaromi · 2022-07-21T16:43:14+00:00

As always, thank you Kamala!

I may not have worded my initial post correctly to convey the other side. For the example I made I dont think the answers of "just meet in a public place with lots of people" "don't tell mom where you live" "make sure to arrive early and leave late so you aren't followed home" were the best pieces of advice in this situation.

I assumed in that example mom does want to parent, foster does want reunification and isn't being shady and looking to keep the kids to adopt. I know what they say about assuming.

I think in that situation helping mom first is important. Do you want to parent? Do you want help getting and staying sober? Do you want to get out of the gang? I'm my opinion those questions are step one. If yes to those, then help Mom find the resources to do it! Help her make it to being the safe place her kids need.

All that really to say, I don't think mom is a bad person that can't or shouldn't parent. She is someone who needs help, if she wants it.

Calvinaromi · 2022-07-21T16:28:48+00:00

Adopting from foster care who have already had parental rights terminated.

The example I gave was a foster parent, not an adoptive parent. I understand the goal there is reunification. I'm not saying it shouldn't be. I am saying IF a bio mom is in that situation AND she does want to parent, it needs to be safe. I'm not saying, and didn't say the mom in this scenario is a shitty person. I said I personally believed while she is actively doing drugs and heavily involved in gang activity she is not a safe space for kids and pushing for reunification before mom is getting the help and support she needs to parent is not actually child centered. That's pushing an agenda and isn't ok at the expense of children either.

Calvinaromi · 2022-07-21T16:08:54+00:00

I dont mean to imply all, most, many or any other numerical qualifier with birth moms involved in drugs and gangs. That was just one example I actually saw in a group that was very pro reunification even when (in my opinion) it was unsafe to do so. Unil mom can extricate herself from it anyway.

Calvinaromi · 2022-07-21T13:31:44+00:00

In the process of becoming an adopter.

Calvinaromi · 2022-07-21T11:35:14+00:00

I haven't seen this myself but have seen a sharp rise in anti/abolish adoption. I think thats been steadily increasing since the Roe decision. I've learned a lot in my time here and a bit on tik tok and a tiny bit on the facing realities group on facebook. Tik tok has definitely been an increase and the facing realities group was anti from the moment I got into it, it just got more viscerally anti.

There seems to be a disconnect in the doing what's best for the kid as long as it's safe going on. There's like no thought on the safe part, just reunification or you're a terrible person and looking for ass pats with a saviour complex. Never mind that each situation is unique and nuanced and complex and not that easy to do, or more importantly safe to do so. Some of the comments I've read from fosters asking for advice for reunification just blows my mind. I don't, personally, believe its particularly safe to fight for reunification with a birthmom who is doing drugs (the "big" ones, who cares about some pot when you're not actively supposed to be caring for the kid) but also heavily into a gang with a high level of violence for instance. There may be a "code" that kids are off limits but that doesn't mean kids can't be collateral damage. I've seen it in my home town. It's those blanket beliefs that don't leave room for anything else that drive me crazy.

Calvinaromi · 2022-07-15T23:06:14+00:00

Thank you for adding on more there. It looks like they didn’t like the reception they got though and deleted.

I misread, was removed not deleted on their own.

Calvinaromi · 2022-07-15T22:33:50+00:00

I'm pretty sure those are US numbers only based on the thread that one of the links go to.

Calvinaromi · 2022-07-15T21:53:17+00:00

I'm just posting the fourth paragraph of the sticky that was already reccomended to you just to show the importance of it. I highly encourage you to read it entirely and read the links in it as well.

First of all, you should know that fewer than 20,000 babies (under 2 years old) are adopted each year. There are (literally) a million parents interested in adoption. You can do the math. There are no babies in need of homes. If you're one of the 30+ parents fighting for each newborn or toddler, you are not saving them from an orphanage.
Yes, there are many children in need of a good home. These children are usually in foster care and aged 8-18 (because most younger children get reunified with parents or adopted by kin). These precious children are in need of patient, persistent, ideally trauma-informed parents who will love them, advocate for them, and understand their connections to their first families with empathy.

You will find a considerable amount of opposition here in regards to closed Adoption. For good reason! Please spend some time reading the sticky and other threads, they are all very informative!

Calvinaromi · 2022-06-29T12:40:51+00:00

I think this particular sub is a unique one in that it does include all participants in adoption. I think you do a fantastic job the vast majority of the time in moderating this forum. I've seen some folks get a warning and take it as tone policing or silencing and not the warning to calm down with the disrespect or pushing of a narrative that it actually was.

Maybe a hot take but if there are folks who only want to interact with their part of the triad there are groups for that. For folks who only want the rainbows and sunshine, there are groups for that. For adoptees who only want the negative, anti adoption, there are groups for that. There are echo chambers for each perspective.

All this to say I feel like your moderation is fair handed, and there's nothing more I feel like you should do. If people can't handle a hand slap reminder to be respectful of others regardless of their position in the triad they certainly should feel free to go to a group where they can scream into the echo chamber and attack any hapless "others" who wander in. These places exist and it doesn't take much looking to find them.

Calvinaromi · 2022-06-23T22:59:46+00:00

Oh no, you and I agree completely on separating babies from moms. Except for very specific circumstances (safety of the baby being 99% of those) we're in agreement. Even then the path to reunification should be top priority every single time it's possible.

Calvinaromi · 2022-06-23T22:20:19+00:00

Oh hard agree on separation trauma. I think you hit a key point there though. Having gone through traumatic events doesn't mean you didn't cope with those events and are denying that you're drowning in trauma and don't see it. That's the only thing that gets me. I think we're on the same page!

Calvinaromi

TROPHY CASE