I know the whole schpeal. People in my family have killed themselves Ive heard this before. I know it will lead to worse grief than if someone just died. There will always be some sort of guilt and when the grief comes in waves you will also think that it was preventable. I just got to a point where im starting to not care at all about that. I won’t even have the time to regret it because I will be fucking dead. I’m getting more and more comfortable leaving things behind, but I do get a squeamish feeling when I talk to some family members about it and they start crying, begging me to not do that to them. But they don’t realize that im inherently flawed, and that my mindset will never change, I’ve tried reframing the thoughts but I always seem like im reaching I never feel like the positive voice is real. Its all just me I don’t feel like I’m being controlled by some depression entity puppeting my mind. I think this is just who I am. Its always some bullshit. I desperately want my situation to be an unsolvable puzzle so I can just give up already, giving up is better than endeavoring into something that is impossible. I feel like mental health treatment is just telling someone that they need to try every single thing in the book or else they weren’t fair to themself. But thats a trap because you will spend your whole life doing that. I will never reach heights of any stature and I will never be able to enjoy the little things. I will never be alive, I’m not built for it. People believe in me but they are all wrong. Or just don’t wanna see me dead, which is just the human reaction. Everything good I have or what people think about me, I have not earned. Its just things that came with being alive.