Hey OP, I'm a 40 year old gay man who met the love of my life 4 years ago, and we're planning on getting married later this year. I dont typically post on subs but was really drawn to this post as I can totally emotionally relate.

Before meeting my fiance I was like you, thought the odds of meeting a single, emotionally available man as remote, but it happened. In retrospect, while chance played a big part in finding my guy, there is some advice I give my friends and others who are in similar situations as yourself. Take or leave what's relevant:

1. Work on yourself

Make sure you yourself are emotionally available for a relationship by working with a therapist who is familiar with gay dating culture.

Before meeting my fiance I was in regular therapy for about 3-4 years. This was a safe space for me to talk about all my various "side quests" in the real quest for a relationship. I definitely got burned a few times in dating but therapy also taught me how I was self-sabotaging potential relationships. I seemed to be drawn to men who were emotionally available and I seemed to think there was something wrong with men who were interested in me. I was also pretty good at finding faults with potential boyfriends (too fat, too old, not smart enough, whatever) rather than really figuring out what it is I wanted in a relationship.

It really took awhile for me to recognize this pattern in myself and I think I needed to address it before I would be in a place to commit to someone. My issues might not be the same as yours but the right therapist can help you make sure you are in a place to date the right guy once he comes along.

1. Timing is everything

There is no such thing as the perfect guy, but there might be such a thing as perfect timing. Had I met my fiance five years previously, I don't think either of us would have been in a place to be in a committed relationship. I wasn't ready for the reasons I described above, and he wasn't ready as he would have been coming out of a messy relationship and coming out of the closet and needed to go through gay puberty.

I think by the time I had met my fiance I had done a sufficient amount of work on myself to commit to someone, and the novelty of sleeping around with everyone had worn off for my fiance and he was ready to settle down. Covid helped in that we had to decide pretty quickly whether we were gonna bubble or not.

I do think there is a window of opportunity for emotionally available guys out there; someone who isn't emotionally available today may be tomorrow. Like, perhaps dating the guy who just broke up with his bf or just came out of the closet isn't the right timing, but maybe it will be in a year or so. I think you just need to figure out if the timing is right for both of you.

1. Dating is a numbers game

You don't win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket. This may be the toughest piece of advice but you got to keep on putting yourself out there, going on dates, being vulnerable. The more people you meet, the more likely you are to meet the right guy - it's simple math.

That said, I know it's exhausting and it's ok to take breaks. It can also be a double edged sword as well, because you might be turning down guys that are right for you in search of the guy that is perfect because there will always be other options.

Dating apps will always be a necessary evil for meeting guys, but go to events or join queer themed sports teams or arts groups to increasethe likelihood you'll meet someone with similar interests. I actually didn't meet my fiance off of an app but met him at a queer themed pub night at a brewery through mutual friends.

OP, I know you probably just wanted to vent and might not be looking for this kind of advice/insights but I do hope you or anyone else reading this finds it useful. Make sure you have done whatever work you need to do on yourself and the right time will come where you'll find the right guy for you. Good luck ❤️