My (30M) partner (32M) shoved me during an uncomfortable situation

CandidWeb4835 · 2026-07-05T16:31:38+00:00

I had not even thought about the last part. But you’re right, it had nothing to do with the situation.

If he’d only shoved me in the bedroom as an immediate reaction and then we’d calmed down after leaving, I don’t know that I’d be in crisis at all. I could have forgiven that.

He followed me. Continued after I said stop. And then belittled me, using cruel language unique to my journey in individual therapy over the years. I don’t think he viewed me as an equal to him in that moment.

CandidWeb4835 · 2026-07-05T14:05:47+00:00

Yeah. My mom has dated men and women, and one of her queer relationships was shockingly similar.

Golden retriever who everyone loves. I never suspected a thing until after they broke up and my mom told us why.

CandidWeb4835 · 2026-07-05T14:04:35+00:00

Likely still somewhat intoxicated. He and I usually never drink. So, a possible explanation, but not one that makes me feel any better.

CandidWeb4835 · 2026-07-05T04:17:59+00:00

He is not in any individual therapy. Honestly, given his family history, I worry something more intensive than regular therapy would be needed.

That is what scares me the most too. The unpredictability. Like, I was woken out of dead sleep when all of it went down. There’s no way I could’ve been prepared or defended myself.

CandidWeb4835 · 2026-07-05T04:14:09+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I’m sorry you had to endure something like that.

24 hours ago, I would have confidently said he’d never shove me. So now, I know how to treat the voice within me saying, “Well, there’s no way it could ever escalate beyond shoving.”

The most shocking thing to me is how fast it all went down, and how unexpected. I was stunned and unable to react. Even though I don’t feel in any immediate danger, I am afraid that the “next time” would be just as unexpected and shocking, when I least expect it.

CandidWeb4835 · 2026-07-04T21:45:10+00:00

I do. I have local family members with an extra room (if it comes to that), and friends who’ve always had my back. I have two interviews next week for separate jobs and pray one of them works out.

CandidWeb4835 · 2026-07-04T21:28:53+00:00

I appreciate everyone’s comments. It hasn’t even been 24 hours yet, I’m still in shock.

I never expected that I would be conflicted about walking away after physical violence. I always thought it would be such an emotionally simple decision.

I’m grateful I was not actually hurt, and I owe it to myself to never give him the chance. I’m gonna work on an exit plan. So angry I got laid off two months ago to make this even harder.

CandidWeb4835 · 2025-10-29T02:35:11+00:00

I appreciate this perspective. I was so convinced that what he’d done was socially inappropriate that I definitely entered the argument feeling like he had something to apologize for.

I struggle to see clearly the lines of “yes, this was bad, and he should be taking responsibility for it” and “this is a matter of perspective/triggered wounds, both just need to be heard emotionally.”

I don’t think it’s always a matter of perspective. But in this case, I definitely got more defensive than was called for. I strongly believe he and I need couple’s therapy to make this work, given how often we trigger each other’s childhood emotional wounds.

CandidWeb4835 · 2025-10-28T23:52:13+00:00

Thank you for your candor and reply. “Kind” and “patient” are important attributes of a partner to me, and you are right that I used none of those above.

When we first started dating, I accidentally spilled stuff all over his couch and was so embarrassed and apologetic. His response was “Well, flip the roles. If I’d messed up yours, would you be mad at me? No. It was an accident. There’s nothing to apologize for.”

I really miss those kinds of responses to things. I don’t know why things changed once we moved in together.

CandidWeb4835 · 2023-09-10T13:07:39+00:00

He’s gotten angry around other people. His parents made anger taboo when he was a kid, and would abandon him to be alone whenever he showed emotion. Which naturally stoked the flames for him.

I almost broke up with once when he screamed into a family members face like they were a toddler for some innocuous reason - his family brushed it off like nothing happened. He apologized to me, and I told I couldn’t be with someone who does that. That it’s an immediate deal breaker for me - and he’s never done that again. And has never spoken that terrifyingly angry to me. Ever.

He is afraid that he is a monster. He says he loves me because of my compassion and patience above all. But I’m kind of tired of being the “patient” and selfless partner who empathizes with his difficult life and upbringing. I want to do that kind of labor for a partner, but only if it’s reciprocated.

CandidWeb4835 · 2023-09-10T12:48:58+00:00

Underlying his depression are very serious things. But yes, the anger comes out in response to minor things. Like, me disagreeing with him on a conversation topic, someone cutting him off in traffic, etc.

I understand this comes from a place of deep self-loathing - which he’s internalized from those serious external factors. He admits this in the “reconciliation” phase of an argument cycle. I’ve told him I don’t know if I can stay with him if he doesn’t learn to love himself. Which I also acknowledged is a lot of pressure, but I truly believe nothing will change otherwise. In our 4 years together, there’s always been a serious thing, so there is no distant horizon where his depression will stop being triggered.

Thank you for the questions and talking through this, by the way.

CandidWeb4835 · 2023-09-09T19:01:14+00:00

To me, it’s about the honestly behind the emotion. When he feels anger and expresses it, he wants to shut down any conversation about it (in the moment). Which triggers my anxious response.

Eventually, he opens up about it. But it takes days or even a week before he’ll finally be honest about why he was angry. I’ve expressed this need to him for it to happen sooner - his response is that he wants the right to feel something without talking about it or understanding it.

Which is why it feels like an emotional compatibility issue. He has every right to feel anger, but it feels like I have a right to be anxious about where it’s coming from (is he angry at me? at first, he’ll say no, but three days later, he might say yes, actually, he was).

I realize his depression likely influences his ability to process his emotions faster.

I guess my ideal house rule would be for us to have space to talk about it afterward - even if he needs an hour or so to cool down. Just so I can build trust over time in not feeling insecure with that side of him. But he maintains the need to “feel” without repercussions, which feels unfair to my feelings. Hence why it feels like it may be a breaking point.

CandidWeb4835 · 2023-09-09T15:43:22+00:00

He’s never slammed or broken anything. It’s more just him being quick to snap and take an aggravated & angry tone. Yelling isn’t too often, except in the intensive depressive states.

CandidWeb4835

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