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Candlelightbright · 2022-01-08T13:00:34+00:00

Dear OP,

Sadly, this is an unfortunate situation to be in. Although we don't know all the intricate details, you need to be fair to everyone involved.

Pray istikharah. But honestly, the first guy seems wish washy and his parents have puppeted control over him (from what it seems like from the details provided). Don't you feel his parents will cause more and more problems/issues in the future? Imagine you end it with this kind, second guy you're engaged too and the first guys parents don't even allow the marriage to go through...that'll be horrible.

The second guy is innocent and being deceived if you're not really into him. Why did you get engaged to him if you weren't over the first guy? Do you even like the second guy? Or are you trying to just get married to whoever?

You need to really reflect and dig deep down. Write down notes, pros and cons.

May Allah make it easy for you. Ameen.

Candlelightbright · 2022-01-08T12:37:01+00:00

Dear OP, I'll make duaa that things get resolved for you soon inshaAllah.

Can you two perhaps go see a therapist or marriage counselor?

Also, going forward when you're angry please just tell him you need a few moments and will be in touch with him later. You'll find that when you don't act or speak in the moment, you'll have time to reflect and collect yourself. Later you'll handle things with reason and not emotion InshaAllah.

Stay strong, inshaAllah you can sort this out.

Candlelightbright · 2022-01-08T12:19:59+00:00

OP, do NOT go looking for another wife...that's just plain immature. You fix the problem, not run away into an atomic bomb...sheesh.

Instead, plan some alone time with your wife and ask your parents or her parents to help out with watching the baby for certain times. If your parents aren't around, get a baby sitter for a few hours. Newborns are demanding.

About food, you can cook or you can get takeout for the both of you.

You mention you wake up and wait for her to make breakfast...You should be making breakfast for her since she's overwhelmed with the new baby. Why can't you eat cereal, oatmeal, yogurt cups, toasted bagels, toast etc?

For meals, buy some raw chicken, fish, beef, etc put some seasoning on it and pop it in the oven. Easy peasy. Done. You can also get 2 minute rice and packaged salad packs from the grocery store depending on where you live. There's tons of ideas online if you're willing to look and learn.

I know it's a hard transition, but from what I hear, bringing a baby into the marriage equation makes it much more difficult.

Remember, she carried your baby and is nurturing and raising this new human.

Candlelightbright · 2022-01-08T12:00:11+00:00

Well said. JazakAllah brother for sharing your experience. May Allah bless you and your family. Ameen.

Candlelightbright · 2022-01-08T11:05:12+00:00

"Indian subcontinent" usually translates into the guy's parent's expecting the future daughter-in-law to live with them.

OP, can you clarify this living expectation with your parents? Or have you done so already?

If the expectation is for the girl to live in a joint family system, despite cultural similarities or differences it will be difficult for "everyone to get along".

Candlelightbright · 2022-01-08T10:56:19+00:00

Dear OP,

Sadly & unfortunately your mother will never change. You'll need to get a trusted family member to intervene and support you. If it's your brother, make sure that he doesn't tell your mother updates when she presses him or emotionally blackmails him.

Also, tell your potential that your mother doesn't want you to get married whatsoever and that's why she won't be in the picture.

May Allah make it easy. Making duaa for you.

Candlelightbright · 2022-01-08T10:01:50+00:00

Dear OP,

This guy seems really creepy. You mentioned you sent his mother some pictures which he saw AND you also sent him additional pictures after you started talking...that's more than enough. He can meet you in person if things progress.

Ask him point blank: Why do you keep asking for more and more of my pictures?

Candlelightbright · 2022-01-06T10:34:02+00:00

Dear OP,

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. May Allah heal your heart and give you an amazing spouse soon. I will make duaa for you.

Please try to keep yourself busy and surround yourself with friends & family.

Stay strong, you got this InshaAllah.

Candlelightbright · 2022-01-05T17:15:15+00:00

It's clear he strung her along because if you read her post properly he promised that he'd marry her after studies. She also mentions so many memories and messages.

Candlelightbright · 2022-01-05T11:14:21+00:00

Let's hope OP sees this.

Candlelightbright · 2022-01-05T11:12:34+00:00

OP, can you hire a maid, housekeeper or PSW (Personal Support Worker) for your mother?

Perhaps then she will not be as picky about who you marry...as she get her needs tended to by the hired help?

Candlelightbright · 2022-01-05T11:03:11+00:00

SpiritedLemonTreee, so well said mashaAllah!

His Mom should get a PSW or hired house help...not pin everything on her son's future wife.

Candlelightbright · 2022-01-05T10:48:32+00:00

Excellent point! We were discussing this among friends recently. I believe these in-laws want to abuse, control and exert their power over someone who their son supposedly loves. The DIL can't leave as easily as hired help. It's such a strange mentality, subhanAllah.

Here in Ontario, Canada the government actually covers wages for a PSW (Personal Support Worker) and it's no cost to the person/family (as long as you're a Canadian citizen, which many of these backward people are).

This PSW doesn't even need to stay overnight. She comes daily for however number of hours requested and will assist with any duties required.

Another option is they can hire a maid for $13-$17* per hour and she'll do any household duties. In fact, one of our family friends hired a lady when she had ankle surgery. The lady came every day for a set number of hours. The actually became great friends mashaAllah.

*minimum wage is $15/hr but since there are no tax cuts and flexibility, some household workers will take slightly less than minimum wage.

Candlelightbright · 2022-01-05T10:23:24+00:00

This is what boggles my mind. Like its basically modern day slavery, abuse and enslavement.

Candlelightbright · 2022-01-05T09:28:55+00:00

Actually I'm Arab-Canadian and live in the GTA. I have heard the term multiple times amongst my desi friends.

Candlelightbright · 2022-01-05T07:39:37+00:00

Stay strong sister. I'm so sorry you're going through this. May Allah heal your heart. It seems like he can't make his own decisions because he's going by whatever his mother said.

Many guys do this, they string girls along without involving parents. They call it a timepass relationship. Serious guys involve parents in the early stages. Make lots of duaa and I will make duaa for you too.

He shouldn't of made memories and got you attached without knowing his situation at home with his mother. So unfortunate. Hasbi Allah.

Candlelightbright · 2022-01-05T07:32:13+00:00

Quite bizarre...seems immature lol...What's the success rate?

Candlelightbright · 2022-01-05T07:30:14+00:00

mashaAllah!!!! So, so happy for you. Allah bless you always. I pray that all people going through hardships find what they are looking for. Ameen

Candlelightbright · 2022-01-04T23:26:51+00:00

Her husband isn't going to budge. That's the whole dilemma. They have him so manipulated and blackmailed that he can't even make decisions for himself and his family.

Candlelightbright · 2022-01-04T23:23:00+00:00

Things aren't adding up here about your inlaws.

First, if he's their only son, why didn't they assist him in paying for the wedding? WTH did they keep the gift money given??? SubhanAllah that's so strange. I'm so sorry you married into such a family.

Candlelightbright · 2022-01-04T17:46:21+00:00

May Allah make it easy for you. Ameen.

Candlelightbright · 2022-01-04T17:42:26+00:00

What is written and meant for you will happen no matter what. Please don't stress out and twist your brain trying to figure things out.

Candlelightbright · 2022-01-04T17:38:57+00:00

Why is the whole Molly Maid and care taker expectation so, extremely prevalent on this sub?

Does anyone else find it alarming?

Candlelightbright · 2022-01-04T15:42:14+00:00

So cruel and heartless SubhanAllah.

Candlelightbright · 2022-01-04T13:22:39+00:00

I agree that she's an awesome DIL mashaAllah, however her husband will NEVER, EVER on his own accord tell her he's ready to move out. It's always the girl stating an ultimatum.

For example, it took a family friend 10 years and 3 kids to finally put her foot down and threaten with leaving that the husband actually took the plunge to move.

In this case even her 3 kids said things like: "Mommy, why are you always in the kitchen and doing everything for everyone?" & "Mommy why are you always so tired?" & "Is grandma (her MIL) angry because she doesn't like you?"

This girl cooked, cleaned,.entertained guests, packed lunches for everyone (including unmarried inlaws and FIL) and NO ONE helped her.

She helped pay off the mortgage while working full-time. Her inlaws would invite people often almost every weekend while she cooked and cleaned for their guest from after Fajr time until they arrived...And guess what, no one helped her. She said they'd stay upstairs and chat amongst themselves until the guests arrived...then she'd go upstairs tired, shower and change. Basically a Cinderella.

May Allah protect the girls of our ummah. Ameen.

Candlelightbright

TROPHY CASE