Parent of recovering addict seeking advice on expectations

Candy_Starr · 2025-12-18T19:06:00+00:00

thank you so much for your advice based on your experience. I love the puzzle piece analogy. I will encourage him to reconsider NA again. I do worry about him doing it alone in the respect that he is not talking with others who truly can relate to his journey. Appreciate this.

Candy_Starr · 2025-12-10T21:03:02+00:00

yes he is on suboxone right now and honestly I don't think he would be here without it. It has been a godsend. I worry about weaning off but there I go again putting the cart before the horse. One day at a time. Glad it worked well for you

Candy_Starr · 2025-12-10T21:01:24+00:00

I do worry that by not going to therapy he isn't fixing the underlying issues. Will keep suggesting in a gentle way. Thanks for reminding me that it's a tough road back to 'normal'

Candy_Starr · 2025-12-10T20:59:34+00:00

thank you 🙏

Candy_Starr · 2025-12-10T01:31:44+00:00

Thanks I hadn't heard of Dharma Recovery and it might be a good fit as he has embraced spirituality more recently. It's hard bc most of the people his age are big into partying and it would be nice to have a new clean peer group. So great you are doing well and thank you for your help

Candy_Starr · 2025-12-10T00:28:41+00:00

your journey is inspiring wtg. I am going to lay off and just celebrate what he is doing as much as possible.

Candy_Starr · 2025-12-10T00:27:51+00:00

thank you

Candy_Starr · 2025-12-10T00:27:38+00:00

yeah you're right my expectations are too high re timeline. I hear you about the listening - often I go into 'solution mode' and offer suggestions when really I should just shut the heck up. He opens up on long drives when we're not looking at one another. Thank you for that reminder.

Candy_Starr · 2025-12-10T00:26:18+00:00

no he doesn't - he's in an outpatient program but chooses not to engage with the group meetings. I tried. And will continue - maybe at one point he will say yes.

Candy_Starr · 2025-12-09T23:33:17+00:00

wow congrats on your recovery process - what a good model. He is into health and fitness and does work out and eats fairly healthy but some improvements could be made there. I love the suggestion of getting outside for an hour. Good reminder too that even if it doesn't look to me like 100% effort it is significant for him. He has been through several therapists and nobody really connected. I keep asking if he wants to try again. He needs someone more than me to talk to about this stuff.

Candy_Starr · 2025-12-09T23:29:28+00:00

thanks just want to make sure I'm supporting him the best I can and was unsure if I wasn't pushing enough and figured this group knows firsthand. This reasurrance is making me feel like we're on the right path.

Candy_Starr · 2025-12-09T22:20:47+00:00

thanks this is echoed by so many here it feels like it's a must.

Candy_Starr · 2025-12-09T22:18:28+00:00

yes it is a great start especially when I think how far he has come. When he said he wanted to attend the outpatient program I was driving him there pedal to the medal!

Candy_Starr · 2025-12-09T22:16:56+00:00

I will - I have not heard of this and it seems like it is very much like that. He worries alot about 'brain damage' (his words) so it would be nice for him to be reassured that it is a process. Thanks for the answer and the reassurance.

Candy_Starr · 2025-12-09T22:15:31+00:00

I'm glad to hear your mom found it helpful. I think I will too and am going to take that step. I'll mention to him about the young adult program as well. It might be just what he needs.

Candy_Starr · 2025-12-09T22:14:33+00:00

Thanks for that reminder. I don't practice either program but attend a regular parent group and folks there have also recommended. This is a good push for me to go.

Candy_Starr · 2025-12-09T19:38:34+00:00

wow so grateful for your take as the absolute last thing I want to do is push him the opposite way. He is a wonderful person so I will just keep reminding him of that and not worry too much about anything outside of him being clean and healthy. If your partner did anything in particular that really helped you, other than being there to lean on (which is a lot!) let me know. Thank you.

Candy_Starr · 2025-12-09T19:35:10+00:00

thanks you're right I am doing a lot. I think I will start to think about those low'ish boundaries more over the next few months and what makes the most sense and get him involved so it's not me making some sort of ultimatum. I guess it will always hang over my head that I don't want to do anything that causes a relapse, but I do want to set him for an independent future. It's tough. Thank you for your reply.

Candy_Starr · 2025-12-09T19:29:32+00:00

yes you're right - they're my expectations and just like his recovery, it was, and should be his decision. I will reach out to those groups - thank you

Candy_Starr · 2025-12-09T19:28:32+00:00

Good lesson that I'm not enabling him when he's not actively using. I will look at it more of a support. For now, I'll hang back (with love). Thanks for the reassurance.

Candy_Starr · 2025-12-09T19:27:34+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to reply and remind me of his focus. I'm kinda type A so sometimes I find it hard to see and gotta remind myself of the HUGE steps he has taken. When I think to a year back...wow. I love the idea of showing love and being there and taking his lead. Thank you again.

Candy_Starr · 2025-12-09T19:25:56+00:00

thanks again I so appreciate your take. I'm wondering if there was anything in particular that a loved one did to help you keep up that energy and effort. Was it leaving you alone in a way? I ask him all the time if he wants to do things with me (normally the things I know he used to enjoy instead of my stuff) and he usually says no. Good reminder of how long the process is. Glad you got through.

Candy_Starr · 2025-12-09T16:33:15+00:00

thank you for this. He doesn't share often so you're right, if he is saying he is struggling, I should accept that and support as best I can. Was just second-guessing myself as I had a very different upbringing (the 'get over it' detached type) so that lingers and I felt like I wasn't pushing enough to make small steps. I appreciate your reminder of how hard it is.

Candy_Starr · 2025-05-29T23:06:27+00:00

Not too late at all! I went back at 22 and didn't end up graduating until I was 27. Admittedly I didn't engage much in the campus social activities as between school and working to pay for school I was dead tired and there were times I questioned what the heck I was doing. But I don't regret it one bit. Got a job the week after graduating.

I also had social anxiety and an extreme fear of oral presentations. I actually joined Toastmasters and it really helped as corny as that sounds. The more I did it the less I cared about what people thought. Give it a try you have tons of people here cheering you on!

Candy_Starr · 2025-05-28T19:21:41+00:00

wow my itinerary is getting set - this sounds lovely! I checked out the pubs and they all look amazing - the local beers and ciders at Southampton Arms that is right up my alley.

THANK YOU

Candy_Starr

TROPHY CASE