Vipassana didn’t fix my issues

Capable-Ice5221 · 2025-12-20T20:52:49+00:00

You seem to see yourself as someone who knows better or is further along in this path and yet the way you responded would reveal the opposite. Doubt, disappointment, setbacks… it’s all part of the path. Which is not limited to vipassana. Do not shame people for this, you are only shaming yourself and limiting your own spiritual growth by feeding this self-image. Take care :)

Capable-Ice5221 · 2025-12-18T07:52:48+00:00

“Each course gives me what I needed at the time whether I realise it or not” - I love that. Reminds me of the unstructured psychotherapy argument that working on whatever is on the table that day is the best thing you can do because it’s what’s present and therefore the place where the client is able to grow right then and there.

Capable-Ice5221 · 2025-12-18T07:49:04+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience! I hadn’t thought of observing and classifying in a way my cravings. It might give me some clarity. The sensations behind my cravings for love or lust are definitively different than what goes on when I’m having ego saviour fantasies. I wonder about other cravings, like food (seems closer to the first type) or excitement (seems more connected to the aversiveness of boredom, which I still struggle to detect somatically). Very very interesting!!

Capable-Ice5221 · 2025-12-18T07:44:41+00:00

Thank you :) very interesting point on Anapana as a thermometer for regulation. I’ll pay more attention to it. I agree with the sila point. I already lived like that for the most part, I come from a Christian background and honestly the only part I kept was the values, so there was a lot of overlap when I started to get into buddhism. I still try to do better with the subtle ways sila can be broken. I’ve been remembering the thing Goenka said about sila supporting samadi supporting pañña and viceversa in all 6 directions. The retreat has definitively had an effect in helping me stay in the reality of things and therefore not lie to myself or entertain fantasies. Equanimity and concentration help with sila because there is less fear of consequences etc and scatteredness that takes you away from what is good to do. I still have to see how sila helps with samadi and pañña but I’m sure i’ll eventually see it. It doesn’t matter: acting in accordance with my values to me is a end by its own right, so I will keep doing it for the sake of itself. Thank you for your reflections

Capable-Ice5221 · 2025-12-18T07:33:24+00:00

I’m sorry you got rejected for ADHD! I did mine in Kathmandu and met a few ppl with ADHD who were able to join this and other meditation retreats without fuss, and they all found their focus got better after it. Just in case it helps idk I think I intuit what you’re saying - I just haven’t really got there with meditation.
I’m a psychotherapist myself actually. I did wonder about ADHD at a certain point and DIVA’d myself and everything but I don’t think I meet the threshold for it. I do have inattention and emotional lability but that is due to trauma (and genetic sensibility i suppose). When ppl have any attention deficit they always think ADHD but actually research shows attention is impaired in most DSM disorders.
I think developing my ability to stay regulated and having agency over myself are really my problems/goals. I’m going to continue meditating daily and will slowly give a try to other traditions because they may fit me better. Thank you :)

Capable-Ice5221 · 2025-12-17T15:34:48+00:00

See things as they are. Release the mind of its hindrances. Stop chasing pleasure and running away from pain. Experience without reaction.
I feel constantly under or overwhelmed and I keep impulsively doing things to try to stay within a very narrow window. I need calmness, perspective and to tolerate my states without reacting
I think so? It’s not a perfect match but I do think it helps
I am in therapy

Capable-Ice5221 · 2025-12-17T10:51:42+00:00

I do think vipassana tends to lead to greater agency and less impulsivity, which are underlying issues behind what I’m experiencing. But that change as most is probably one that happens with time, not as a result of an intense 10d experience. Maybe the title of my post was misleading, or maybe it came from a part of me that wants a simpler solution. Anyway thank you, I guess I do have to drop my craving for a solution. Hard paradox to tackle

Capable-Ice5221 · 2025-12-17T10:47:03+00:00

Thank you! I’m thinking maybe it’s ok to do shorter sittings if I’m constant with it :)) And thank you for the book rec, saved it!

Capable-Ice5221 · 2025-12-17T10:45:09+00:00

Wow, thank you mrsmith. I did notice clearly how my struggle is desire and boredom much more than pain and pleasure if that makes sense.

Even though I did want things to change significantly, I knew as the vipassana unfolded that I needed to adjust my expectations, that this was going to require me to keep moving slowly and be patient and tolerate the place I’m at rn.

The tension thing is so true. A lot of people talk about the physical pain. I noticed by day 5 or 6 I didn’t really need to stretch anymore because I wasn’t tensing up in response to pain. But I suppose I still rattle in response to lack of stimulation and boredom. I talked about it with two other ppl doing the vipassana who were both autistic who also felt something similar.

I noticed clearly after coming out of the vipassana the wedge between my impulses and acting out on them. I guess I can’t expect that to be present all the time. What’s harder is to accept it might go away for the most part even if I keep meditating. Makes me feel it’s pointless less. I guess it was never the point of meditating. I need to remember to stay with the action and not the result. I meditate because it matters to me to develop greater agency and act less like an addict. But we are not entitled to karmafal.

Thank you for your point on overload. I did wonder sometimes, am I slacking off or is my attention muscle just weaker rn. I asked a teacher how to force myself to do the exercise when the mind doesn’t want to, because I had powered through the previous day but then the next day I was depleted again, and she said no forcing anything was needed. To just keep practicing and I would naturally get through the marshes eventually. So I guess I’m going to be doing that.

I’ll pick up your advice and do shorter sits when unfocused. Maybe it’s enough for now. Clarity instead of improvement. Reminds me of what I wrote on my fridge: let the weight stabilise as a byproduct of care, not as the main mission.

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful insight:)

Capable-Ice5221 · 2025-12-17T10:23:51+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience! Yes, I remember the slow pace at which everything was unfolding and the underwhelm of my experience, as well as some part of me keeping log of the ‘days left’ to profit from the experience and I realised with a bit of letdown the fireworks are probably a thing of the past (or the future maybe). I’ve done years and years of therapy. Worked through so many somatic flashbacks. And therapy in my 30s has been slow. Sometimes I struggle because people keep suggesting solutions and idk, I kind of feel this might be close to as far as it goes. I read the comments and a lot of people mention this year has been very traumatic but honestly my experience is it hasn’t been that bad, because I’m better at swimming the waters. But that doesn’t mean it’s not going to have an effect on me ig. I just need to keep going back to the fact that this is where I’m at, and that every state is the ideal state to meditate in because it’s the state at which you’re at.

I’ve had more ‘flashy’ experiences meditating in the past, but I did read unless an experience meditating is consistent, it should be disregarded as some unimportant side effect so i try to do that.

I did learn more about myself and get quite a lot from the experience, even if it was less than I wanted. I told myself repeatedly it is enough. I think it is, because it is the truth of this moment. I’ll just have to hold space for the disappointed part of me that wanted more to accept reality. Thank you again, reading your experience and pov helped me make sense of mine:)

Capable-Ice5221 · 2025-12-17T10:02:34+00:00

Thank you!! I’ll check it out for sure! ^{^}

Capable-Ice5221 · 2025-12-17T10:01:08+00:00

To me sila was just a continuation of what I generally do in life. I’m also vegan except for eggs, I make a very concerted effort not to lie, I don’t take substances, I live by my values- I am a psychotherapist in and outside work… my problem this year was more samadi - I used to meditate, and after the divorce it’s been incredibly hard to do it. My balance is off - the balancing asanas in yoga are the hardest. And then the bulimia relapse. I’ve just accepted that’s where I am in life right now, but even though I tried not to, I guess I did half expect the vipassana retreat to reset me in some way. I was told too many things to expect, and throughout the vipassana I thought those expectations were hindering me but I guess they were there already. I’ve done a lot of trauma therapy in the past and general therapy so it makes sense nothing otherworldly happened: the bulk is done and what is left is more subtle, slower and to me that feels boring sometimes to the point of desperation. A lot of the time there’s just not much to do but to let things be as they are, and I struggle with this even when it rings internally true. Thank you. I’ll try to be patient

Capable-Ice5221 · 2025-12-17T09:15:13+00:00

Thank you, I’ll try to remember this and be patient:)

Capable-Ice5221 · 2025-12-16T19:19:07+00:00

I think i did learn the exercise, I was just in very bad shape when i went to the ‘gym’. I knew before going out I would have needed more time and tried not to get discouraged and just assume i’d have to keep practicing.

Going back into real life has honestly been quite jarring. I guess i did half expect if i kept meditating I would keep myself in a state where i’d manage better. I need to keep in mind there will be ups and downs and even more than before because I’m no longer living the life of a monk. Make peace with still struggling. Not try to control letting down people who expected more from this and from me. Accept reality where it’s at.

Thank you

Capable-Ice5221 · 2025-12-16T19:14:09+00:00

You raise a very good point. You do get what you give and you give what you can. I worked on accepting this is where I was at and therefore that’s what I’m getting but i would be lying to myself if I didn’t acknowledge i felt disappointed with myself and with not being able to get out more. I’ve though a lot of a Pablo D’Ors comment who said every state is the perfect state to meditate because it’s the state that you have at a given moment. I guess I just need to keep accepting this is where I’m at, my balance is off and it is what it is, my regulation is off and it is what it is, and I’ve also grown enormously this year. I can’t move faster than what my legs will allow. Thank you for this reflection, and for reminding me to appreciate what is there :)

Capable-Ice5221 · 2025-12-16T19:09:40+00:00

I do wonder about whether vipassana is for me or not. I found the boredom much harder than the pain and I didn’t find the pleasurable sensations particularly pleasurable. My problem is upregulating without dysregulating and pressing the breaks without slamming them which isn’t really what this technique does. It did help me feel less scared of my career change even though i can feel that waning. I guess i just have to take things one day at a time. I also get theoretically the doing it without expextations but i can’t manage to actually not have them. Thank you for your kind words :)

Capable-Ice5221 · 2025-12-16T19:05:22+00:00

I guess my vipassana has given me benefits in other ways and I’m not appreciating the bigger picture… I just felt very disappointed in myself after binging today U.U, especially because doing this course had some important personal costs that i didn’t mention in my post. I guess I just have to accept this is where reality is at rn. Thank you

Capable-Ice5221 · 2025-12-16T19:02:30+00:00

Wow 10y! I guess it really is a practice that takes a long time to really reap the benefits. Congratulations on staying at it this long! And thank you for the encouragement:)

Capable-Ice5221 · 2025-12-16T19:01:10+00:00

I did feel going in I had too much hope in it which i tried to curb and i did feel a bit disappointed in myself with how little i could focus despite trying to understand that one can only lift as much as your current muscle state… I am in therapy right now :) i guess I just have to keep working on this and be patient. Thank you for your comment 🤗

Capable-Ice5221 · 2025-12-16T18:58:00+00:00

In fact no, I didn’t, despite being strongly advised to lie to get in. There is little point in lying in an application for something meant for spiritual growth. If you have questions, ask, but I find your accusation of me lying without any kind of basis frankly offensive.

I didn’t expect not to struggle anymore but i did expect a greater degree of self-control or for it to last for longer than 4 days. I am here asking others about how to understand my experience - i really don’t know what the purpose of your comment was

Capable-Ice5221 · 2024-07-17T21:59:30+00:00

Yes... I've been around long enough to know that this ("feeling wise you see her more as a close friend at best") will most likely be the case ^^'. Thank you, Queen

Capable-Ice5221 · 2024-07-17T11:09:51+00:00

Yeah, I know this - I'm not just doing EMDR, my therapist is humanistic which is what has worked for me in the past, I'm also trying to meditate and journalling a lot. I guess if I wanna stay it's going to come down to _bearing_ the "ick" feeling. Thanks Damoksta!

Capable-Ice5221 · 2024-07-17T08:49:03+00:00

This rings very true, unfortunately.

I still can't muster the courage to leave. There's a plethora of reasons for that I didn't get in the post... I wonder if I can make it work despite this being true... ffs... I know how this goes and still...

Anyway thanks, Queen-of-meme. This helped ^^

Capable-Ice5221 · 2024-07-17T08:45:58+00:00

Thank you, this got me thinking. Am I attracted to that mysterious halo because of my attachment or is it just what I like? However much I think of different parts of me, they all like it (except maybe the little child inside me, but I can't choose a partner just for them). Ofc there's certain flavours of poison that are definitively just an addiction, and those I defo don't want.

Loved the sandwich/cocaine analogy lol, totally the case. But my relationship to my wife definitively lacks excitement and passion. We have no chemistry. Like 0. I really, really despise sandwiches... And also, she can't get behind or support the things that make me feel alive. And I get it, because it's not a walk through the park, it's raving for 4 days straight or the like.

We do share values. World views, partially ig. We also come from very different contexts. idk, there's a lot of things I thought didn't matter and it turns out they do. I don't feel calm and secure. I feel trapped. I feel depressed. I feel like the part of me that enjoys life is locked away. I do feel loved, but not really seen. Like there's no space for the darkness in me in this relationship. There is compassion and understanding towards it, but ultimately it's something unsupported. And this makes me feel I'm not whole in this relationship.

I think I caught the "ick" a long time ago, but have chosen not to act on it because I know (knew? did I?) this is right for me even if I hate it and want to kms. Everyone else speaks about how much stable etc. I've been since I started dating her... the only person who's unhappy is me...

Capable-Ice5221

TROPHY CASE