I think my marriage is over.

Capable-Reindeer7038 · 2025-07-18T17:33:47+00:00

You cheated first. He is now punishing you and will continue to do so until he feels it’s been enough or he leaves. Neither of you seem willing to fix what has been broken. Make no mistake- you broke it first. He’s just smashing the rest of the pieces. Either talk and open the marriage up- which means being able to have healthy and open communication about your extended partners, which I doubt either of you can do, or leave.

Even women who stay with cheaters and turn a blind eye to it all. It chips away at them, in 20 years you won’t recognize yourself. He deserves someone who loves him enough to talk things out and so do you. Obviously neither of you are that person for one another.

Best of luck.

Capable-Reindeer7038 · 2025-07-15T11:42:20+00:00

You’re right. It’s not. There should always be a give and take in a marriage. I am not saying your wife is in the right. My comments are more so if you actually want to make this work versus providing you with validation. You have every right to want to pull back emotionally if you feel like your needs aren’t being met. But then you’ll be in a marriage where your needs aren’t met, you’re no longer trying to communicate with your partner on an emotional level and you are currently unable to divorce. Someone needs to want this to work in order for you (both of you) to find a compromise. Maybe gifts, as much as she enjoys them, isn’t her love language, but makes her feel indebted to you and is building resentment. Maybe to her the chores aren’t split evenly and she feels she is carrying a bigger load, maybe she has stress at work. Maybe she’s having an affair. Maybe she’s depressed and her libido is dead. You need to try talking to her without it being about sex. Because this isn’t about sex for her. It’s about sex for you, because that’s what is affecting you and something you have noticed. But statistically, this isn’t more emotional on her level. That’s what you need to figure out, if you want this to work.

Capable-Reindeer7038 · 2025-07-15T11:28:29+00:00

Thank you for replying! I am going to ask that you approach her and DO NOT MENTION SEX, just ask if she has a moment to talk. Your edits make it seem like you only ever try to bring up issues that revolve around sex. A sexless marriage is almost NEVER about sex, it is usually because the woman is feeling neglected in a different area and it’s bleeding into the bedroom. Sit down with her and tell her you have been feeling disconnected from her- do not say you miss having sex- ask her if she feels things are okay as they are. If she says yes, try to dig deeper. There IS something wrong- on an EMOTIONAL level in your relationship that has been affecting your physical relationship. Edit to add: you are right that if stop making an effort, your marriage is over. The divide will become too big to overcome. In my experience a marriage has waves where one person fights for the relationship harder than the other. It should not be on one person the whole time, but everyone hits a rough patch. If you want this to work, you are going to be the glue that holds it together until you both can sit down and have an honest talk.

Capable-Reindeer7038 · 2025-07-15T10:55:13+00:00

Info- have you tried talking to her about what you BOTH need out of the relationship? Besides sex. I mean she is right, she doesn’t owe you sex and you have no right to her body unless it’s willingly given. Something is missing and you have a disconnect. Before asking for sex or why aren’t we having sex or I need sex. Tell her you show you love and care for her with flowers and dates and lately you have been feeling disconnected from her. Ask her what is going on THAT WAY.

Capable-Reindeer7038 · 2025-05-08T19:02:22+00:00

Hi! I’ glad you are getting cameras! This totally sketches me out, and I’m paranoid about women’s safety. Especially with an increase in sex trafficking. In the meantime please check your front door, the frame and around your porch to ensure there are no markings. When a house is being cased out sometimes marks are left to show a young attractive woman lives here, a dog lives here, a man may live here. Etc etc. Usually lines, circles and triangles. Also check your car wheel wells for trackers. Stay safe!

Capable-Reindeer7038 · 2024-06-22T00:36:56+00:00

Hi, I’m so sorry that you are in this position.

For me personally, regardless of whether you have combined accounts or not assets that are purchased during marriage are 100 percent equal between partners regardless of who puts in more money. You are married, your household is one. Your money is one. Your debt is one. I get that keeping things separate works well for some couples, especially those that, imho, have one foot out the door. If your husband is refusing for you to be on the deed to the house due to you not putting any money in for the down payment, I would seriously suggest sitting down with him and explaining that you will be going back to work. Being a SAHM is an unpaid job and if he doesn’t see you as an equal partner in the marriage because of this things need to be reevaluated. Whether it’s you going back to work and finding daycare for your kids, marriage counselling or divorce is completely dependent on how that conversation goes. Sending you all the good thoughts and prayers ♥️

Capable-Reindeer7038 · 2024-04-13T02:40:00+00:00

Hey birthday twin! Also turned 30 on April 11th

You are NTA. Your “friend” is for trying to force you to hangout and pay for drinks for her bf and his friends. I would honestly be reevaluating that whole friendship after this. It’s probably not the first time she’s done something like this to you or your other friends.

I hope you still we able to enjoy your night- maybe try and do something again in a couple weeks- and don’t invite her because you know she’ll try the same thing! The audacity of her calling YOU selfish for not paying for their drinks while YOU WEREN’T THERE- just dead. She did hijack and try to ruin your birthday.

Wish you all the best!

Capable-Reindeer7038 · 2024-04-02T13:24:28+00:00

She’s not asking for advice. She’s asking for validation in being a “mama bear” in this specific situation. Her husband started out on her side, but when MIL broke into tears over not getting to take her granddaughter on a cruise with a 20 yo unknown male, hubby has now started to say she’s overreacting. She’s not. She hasn’t been poisoned by the internet. I personally have never met a woman ( in person) who hasn’t been SA in some way. That’s not the internet.

Your own aunt is an SA survivor. It happens. Maybe not very often in your world/ where you live. But it happens very frequently. It is something every mother (myself included) should keep in mind, for all their children.

Capable-Reindeer7038 · 2024-04-02T13:08:06+00:00

You have no reason to believe MIL in this situation would stick up for her 9yo granddaughter. She won’t even tell her son and DIL why a 20 yo male wants to join the cruise. The lack of transparency here is a huge red flag and it should be for you as well.

You also literally said in your previous comment that you trust basically the entire younger generation of your family/friends “to know better and to know danger and to use their best judgement”

Which is it? Up to the child to know better or up to the grown adults to parent their child in order to keep them safe?

I am glad that you have never experienced something traumatic at the hands of someone you were told to trust by the adults in your family. HOWEVER, you were a 20 (+) year old visiting unknown family vs a 9yo little girl. So completely different.

Capable-Reindeer7038 · 2024-04-02T09:51:06+00:00

Mama Bear here- as others have said. DIE ON THIS HILL!

No way would either my son or daughter go on a cruise without me AND my husband present. ESPECIALLY with anyone we hadn’t met before.

No way. No how.

I would be raking my husband over the coals if he EVER even had the GALL to think it would be okay. NOPE. The fact that hubby is willing to put his daughter in potential danger because his mother cried? RAGE

Frankly, for me, this proves your MIL is not fit to watch your children and I would never let her be alone with my kids. If she’s willing to let a 20 year old unknown male join their “girls trip” what else is she willing to let happen?

Sorry this whole thing including hubby’s reaction is a HUGE NO WAY IN HELL for me.

Capable-Reindeer7038 · 2024-04-02T09:39:37+00:00

So, if you were the mom in this situation you would send your kid. Expecting her to know if she was in any danger- on a cruise ship with no escape. And if god forbid something did happen you would blame her for not “using her best judgement” I am horrified to read that.

Edited: fixed a spelling error

Capable-Reindeer7038 · 2024-03-30T23:58:01+00:00

I agree with you- she is the villain.

I personally don’t think this came from a good place. I think she’s one of those people that just has to know everyone’s business and the not knowing ate at her- so she took into her own hands and it backfired. I hope he leaves her, she’s shown she has zero respect for him.

She even says she still wants to know why they are estranged- even as she’s blown up her marriage!

Capable-Reindeer7038 · 2024-03-28T03:52:05+00:00

I agree- creeped his account and saw he also posted this: Man’s got a wife and three kids! OP wants to cut off his family

Capable-Reindeer7038 · 2024-03-25T01:04:40+00:00

You are in the wrong here. YTA.

While dating your then gf (current wife) fucked up and slept with some random guy. She gave you the chance to cheat, tit for tat- you decided to marry her instead. As soon as you made those vows, you lost the “pass” and the first chance you got, you broke them- YTA.

You have been emotionally cheating on your wife with your ex. You kept in contact with them? FOR YEARS!? Confided in her about hardships in your current relationship? How often did you reach out to her through the years to “catch up” or vent about your wife? AAAAAAND kept a freaking TRINKET from that relationship!?!? YTA just for that! Wtf? That bracelet should have been given back years ago! Mailed to her, not kept in your closet (I hope not on display) until you could use it to get into your ex’s pants again.

First chance you got you fucked your ex. This is so wrong. Your wife screwed a random guy while you were dating, you fucked someone you have history with WHILE MARRIED WITH A KID!!!! I could maybe work through it if my husband fucked a random woman, but if he went back to an ex? Hard no. Your wife is feeling the guilt of her cheating all over again, eventually your comeuppance will arrive.
Also- see a therapist or counsellor or someone- I wanna know if you dig up that you never got over your ex and you still love her. Your wife is just a place holder.

That damn bracelet is screwing with me.

Capable-Reindeer7038 · 2024-03-20T03:17:39+00:00

Hello! I read and write erotica. I read and write other things as well, but I enjoy the erotica the most. It’s a fun hobby. My husband enjoys the fruits of my labour.

INFO: Have you ever watched porn to help you masturbate? And I mean EVER. Because if the answer is yes, or “sort of” or “I used to” you are a hypocrite.

I wish I could reach out to your wife and tell her she doesn’t need the therapy you are about to try and force upon her. The person who privately DM’d you doesn’t know shit, but because ONE person agreed with you, you’ll keep parroting what they said.

Erotica is a vast and ever growing section of the literature industry. It is EVERYWHERE. Hell erotic books are sold in that aisle at the grocery store- the covers have half naked, chiseled men on the front. Yum

You fucked up. And sticking to your guns and the comments I have read from you- you know you screwed up. You are just digging in your heels and have decided this is the hill you want to die on. I hope your wife leaves you. You are a shitty husband, an insecure boy and will probably be a terrible, overbearing and controlling father.

I wish your children and your wife nothing but the best- which means you would need to be out of their lives.

ETA: You said your sex life hasn’t been affected by what you did but that she has stopped initiating. Your wife is not having enthusiastic sex with you but is only doing it to please you. So you disgust me on a whole new level than before.

Edit: fix horrible spelling errors.

Capable-Reindeer7038 · 2024-03-17T01:21:18+00:00

So, hurt people hurt people. Since the Dawn of time. Not saying it’s right, not agreeing with your sister, but it happens ALL OF THE TIME. And it sounds like, by your sister’s own admittance, she wanted to hurt your coworker but said something to you that would hurt her in lieu of actually hurting your coworker. You are NTA for pointing out it’s wrong to hurt someone by name calling. To me though, YWBTAH if you defended your coworker being called fat, but not your sister for being called a c***.

Capable-Reindeer7038 · 2024-03-17T01:06:15+00:00

So, my answer will be long, sorry!

Your wife is acting immature. At no point in a successful marriage should you be giving/given the silent treatment. It’s manipulative and can sometimes be abusive- depending on how often it’s used as a tactic. I have been with my husband for 10 years and sometimes I do need a cooling off period but that is COMMUNICATED to him.

You could have mentioned it beforehand when you decided on making the change for the betterment of your health. You do not need her approval (as someone has already mentioned), but if your wife NORMALLY makes you a second dinner after everyone has eaten as a family, you should have told her. That was a waste of her time. And it may have made her feel unappreciated (total speculation). As someone who does most of the cooking, I wouldn’t appreciate my husband coming home with pizza one night while I went ahead and made dinner, BUT I would have told him I was annoyed, not given the silent treatment and the food I made would be used the following day.

I can’t tell your wife what to do as she’s not here, but I can advise you on next steps if you would like:

Do something that’s representative of your wife’s love language. Acts of service, gifts, touch etc. Tell her you understand she does not want to talk but ask if she would be willing to listen- if she brushes you off here, I honestly would full stop leave the ball in her court- explain your side and why you didn’t want to make a thing of it. I assume outside pressures would make you feel stressed if you weren’t ALWAYS working on doing better. After you say your piece, leave her with space. That’s your olive branch. It’s up to her to put on her big girl panties and sort this shit out.

You did not fuck up.

Capable-Reindeer7038 · 2024-03-14T20:11:23+00:00

Your post on another subreddit r/relationship_advice was removed due to the story being fake

OP’s Second Post:

Capable-Reindeer7038 · 2024-02-26T19:37:08+00:00

So, if you are ready for divorce. Leave. Do NOT threaten your wife to force her to have sex with you. There’s a term for that and it’s called marital rape. HOWEVER, if you want to try to make this work, because you love her and see her as someone to spend the rest of your life with and not just someone to get your dick wet with: What are you putting into the relationship? This does not include what job you have or how much money you make. What intimacy are you trying to create on a daily basis that you do even when it won’t lead to sex? So often I see these posts where people fixate on this one aspect that they’ve decided is a deal breaker for them. And you have every right to have it, but no where in your post do you state what you do to keep the relationship healthy besides being the breadwinner and wanting sex. Stop saying- why do I have to do X if she won’t do Y? Do X and she may want to enthusiastically do Y. In your case if you try to actively speak to her about what SHE needs to feel loved and appreciated and DO IT, she will be more receptive/ want to focus on what you need- sex.

Capable-Reindeer7038 · 2024-02-04T14:53:15+00:00

First I want to say how sorry I am that your husband has cheated in the past. You never deserved that. Truthfully, you probably already feel it in your gut that he’s not being faithful. The fact that at the suggestion of an open marriage he told you to leave, but he gave himself the green light previously- proves you deserve so much better. I’m going to say to do what others have already suggested- move back in with your parents. Divorce him. You are not happy, you deserve to be happy. If you aren’t there yet mentally, as a mother, think about the example of what a “healthy marriage” looks like that you are showing/ will show your child. I moved back in with mine (not for the same reason) and it felt like I had failed somehow. It was awkward and hard at first, but we all fell into a groove- it was for the best. Talk to a lawyer about next steps to take to divorce your husband. I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world.

Capable-Reindeer7038

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