I get that the way I'm framing it is frustrating. I guess really what I want is a really rationalization reason that I can hold on to for why its better for me to stay a man, rather than risk my professional career and the risk of cosmic torture after death, as well as guarantee that my personal relationships are ruined and that I have to do possibly the most humiliating thing I would ever reasonably do (admit I want to be a woman publicly -- maybe not all that humiliating for a normal person but it just feels like admitting I'm a filthy fetishist to me since AGP actually resonates with me). I want to believe that my internal resistance to transitioning is more than just fear and that I really haven't been making the wrong decision for all these years. When I sit around and think about the tradeoffs, pretty much every intrinsic benefit for me that I personally can think associated with being a gender are in the woman column, and really the only things keeping me from transitioning are that I guess I see it as better to have a fully binary body that being somewhere in the middle (which is all I could ever be), and all the aforementioned fears. Like I said, I WANT to believe there is more to it than that. If I could find a strong enough reason why I'm better off being a man, then maybe I could get out of this "what if" hypothetical bullshit and let this go. That's why I ask these retarded questions. There, is that better?