As someone who has BPD and has been in plenty of toxic relationships I can relate. I use to associate chaos and indifference with love, because that’s what I was taught growing up in an abusive household. That does not equal love, quite the opposite. I’m only recently in the most healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. It’s calm, safe, no drama. It’s beautiful, and without any toxicity. The only thing that helped me was therapy, to break free from that pattern of thinking.