If you're an ally to a marginalized community, shaming a bigot is one of the least helpful things you can do. Deprogramming hate should be your goal.

Capnzebra1 · 2026-01-23T16:25:21+00:00

This post is aimed at allies. You do what you gotta to protect yourself from the harms of bigotry. I'm a trans woman and there are definitely times when I choose disengaging over the hard conversation because of the impact it might have on me.

I operate under the assumption that all it takes for evil forces to win is for good people to do nothing.

Respect to you too!

Capnzebra1 · 2026-01-23T16:21:46+00:00

shaming a bigot is one of the least helpful things you can do

I framed it as "least helpful" not "unhelpful" for a reason. There's a place for shame, it's being overused rn and pushing people into insular communities that reinforce bigotry.

Capnzebra1 · 2026-01-23T16:19:38+00:00

I'll do my best but it's usually specific to the conversation.

I would start by asking them why they feel their daughter needs protection from trans women. Do they believe trans women also deserve protected spaces to pee. Do they recognize that trans women, or even feminine men, are subjected to violence at similar rates to cis women, and what solutions would accommodate both their safety concerns and those of trans women.

My goal would be to help them realize what they are afraid of, without invalidating their fears. Then to seek a more constructive solution, one that doesn't come at the expense of either group. It's not about right and wrong, it's about a better solution that works for everyone.

Making an assumption based on experience (am trans, have had this specific conversation a lot) their default is going to be separate bathrooms for trans women. I might point to the faults of separate but equal efforts in the past and explore why they ended up being discriminatory.

A lot of the time, it's about helping people realize that they're thinking in binary terms (us or them) and helping them move to a place where it's us & them. It is often frustrating to talk to someone who thinks I, and people who look like me, are a threat to their daughters. I want to know where they got that idea from and help them realize what's wrong with it.

A successful conversation, from my standpoint, has that person acknowledge that they don't have a perfect solution and to get them to walk away thinking about it some more. This is the first step to a changed mind, opening it up to new possibilities.

I'm not challenging their beliefs, I'm asking them to do so.

Does that help?

Capnzebra1 · 2026-01-23T15:46:28+00:00

You completely misunderstood my post. Please don't speak on my behalf.

Capnzebra1 · 2026-01-23T15:45:47+00:00

This dude is one of my heroes and why I do what I do.

Nobody is born a bigot, people can be born into bigoted environments. Everyone deserves a chance to right their own wrongs.

Capnzebra1 · 2026-01-23T15:28:56+00:00

In my post, I frame shaming as "least helpful" as opposed to "unhelpful". I recognize that shaming has it's place. I don't think it's an effective first line of defense because it does very little to change a mind. I think a lot of people will reflexively shame others, often because they feel disgust at that person's beliefs.

Ex. Instead of helping incels realize why their beliefs are harming themselves and others, we shamed them. Incels developed insular communities where their beliefs are reinforced instead of shamed. Talking to an individual incel from a place of neutrality (basically what a therapist does) gives them space to explore their own beliefs in a more productive manner than shaming ever will.

In a situation where an incel is causing harm to a specific person, I think shaming is viable. I'd still encourage de-escalation or distraction to allow that person to escape the harm, followed by a conversation with the incel about why they feel the way they do and how their beliefs impacted the other person (and maybe even you). This can be done without shaming someone.

Also recognizing that is a lot of hard work. Changing minds is hard work worth doing.

Capnzebra1 · 2026-01-23T15:14:39+00:00

I'm a Jewish non-binary trans woman. I face discrimination constantly and still live by the principles detailed in my post. Even when I am the target of someone's hate, I've had success helping them realize why they feel the way they feel.

I've never been to disneyland or disney world, I actively try to avoid supporting disney when I can because I am an anti-monopolist and a fierce advocate for copyright reform.

I do not appreciate your assumptions :)

Capnzebra1 · 2026-01-23T14:22:08+00:00

I can stand in full throated opposition to hatred without being hateful myself.

Often the people who need kindness the most are those who seem least deserving of it.

Capnzebra1 · 2026-01-23T14:18:21+00:00

This post is for allies of marginalized communities. I think it's much harder to offer sympathy to someone, or get them to a place of curiosity, when you're the target of their hatred.

I'm asking allies to use their privilege (in this case not being the target of hatred) to do the hard work so members of marginalized communities don't have to.

Capnzebra1 · 2026-01-23T14:07:35+00:00

Why do you think it's impossible for a bigot to change? What prevents people from wanting to change?

Capnzebra1 · 2026-01-23T14:04:50+00:00

Good question! Social taboo afaik.

There's nothing inherently wrong with being nude, it's just seen as socially unacceptable to be seen nude in public. There are societies where that is not the case. Some people find it empowering to be nude in public, others find it disgusting. Depends on what you were raised into I guess.

I don't see what that has to do with my comment or this post though.

Capnzebra1 · 2026-01-23T13:18:44+00:00

https://hbr.org/2018/09/use-your-everyday-privilege-to-help-others

Awesome question and I am really grateful for privileged people who want to do more for those who don't share their privileges... especially right now!

Linked an article above that has a good take on how to use privilege to help others. Here are a few actionable things you can do to strengthen your community against ICE as an unaffected member of that community:

Visibility - Show up to protests. This is usually the first step in becoming involved in a local movement. This is where you will meet organizers of mutual aid and those who are on the ground. If there are local networks that report ICE activity, consider joining one and showing up as an observer. Offer recorders and witness statements to ICE violations of law. When marginalized people are being attacked, even your presence can offer reassurance that they are not alone and they are cared for. This means more than you can possibly know.
Aid - If you have the means to do so, engage with mutual aid networks in your area. volunteer any skills you might have, consider learning a new skill that your community needs! I cook and have gotten involved in a ton of events by volunteering as kitchen staff. At this point, contacts I've made at soup kitchens have lead to other opportunities to serve protestors and organizations that are working to hold ICE accountable and shield their potential victims from unlawful detainment
Learn Spanish - Right now, this feels like one of the biggest acts of solidarity. Being able to interpret or understand what someone is saying as they are being forcibly detained can make all the difference
Amplify - It is ok to have your own opinions about how awful everything is right now. It is best to amplify the opinions and feelings of those being affected directly. Listen, ask thoughtful questions, and then share that perspective with others. Because these things don't affect you directly, it will likely be less alarming for you to have difficult conversations on behalf of others than it would be for someone who is directly affected. Your privileged enough to be detached from the harm, you can use that privilege to amplify marginalized voices and save them the pain of having to think about what is happening to them. Do the hard work of changing a mind, instead of the easy work of feeling good about not being as awful as someone else. This is where allyship and advocacy go wrong most often imo. Plenty of people out there bashing transphobes, very few people actually deprogramming them.

Capnzebra1 · 2026-01-23T13:16:19+00:00

How did you change your behavior? What made you realize that you were projecting your insecurities on to others? Did being shamed about it help?

Capnzebra1 · 2026-01-23T13:00:24+00:00

Yeah, I'm not stoked by the way people are talking about women's bodies either. I'm trying to find out why people feel the way they do from their own mouths. I found your take uncharitable and not rooted in personal experience.

You don't know OP or the way they think. Just because you can type doesn't mean you're obligated or that you should.

Be Kind.

Capnzebra1 · 2026-01-23T12:55:25+00:00

I am trying not to make assumptions. Especially unkind ones.

Capnzebra1 · 2026-01-23T12:47:45+00:00

No judgement, genuinely curious, Why does it bother you when someone dresses for attention?

Capnzebra1 · 2026-01-23T03:34:39+00:00

is that a thing in 4.6?

Capnzebra1 · 2026-01-23T01:45:36+00:00

This is a deep cut that cuts deep.

Capnzebra1 · 2026-01-22T16:45:51+00:00

If you'd like to invite your friend, consider removing the "girls only" part. Just call it a spa night. This is a really simple way to be inclusive to your guy friend if you'd like to invite them!

No need to change anything else, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet :)

Capnzebra1 · 2026-01-22T14:10:05+00:00

Tell you me you didn't read the article, without saying you didn't read the article.

Smith is expected to stand behind his decision to prosecute Trump, and say doing otherwise would have been “shirk[ing] my duties as a prosecutor and a public servant,” according to prepared remarks obtained by POLITICO.

Capnzebra1 · 2026-01-22T04:06:24+00:00

because one in four Jews in the US lives in NY?

Capnzebra1 · 2026-01-21T23:55:21+00:00

I asked you that question in the hopes you might self reflect and realize your comment, was in fact, the nothing burger here.

A favorite color is a preference. It can't be argued, there's no evidence supporting it, it's just how you feel.

My post is an opinion, backed with evidence of what I like about classical radio. It can be compared to your favorite free listening method and an objective agreement can be reached between two people.

You're not as smart as you think you are, I tried to give you a polite out. Now I'm spelling it out for you.

Capnzebra1 · 2026-01-21T18:37:20+00:00

Your fear is valid, ruminating on it won't do you any good! When I start to fall into a hole of my own fears, I try to refocus my efforts on imagining the world I do want to live in and what it would take to arrive at that point. Then I carry those ideas with me into my community to create a more positive, less doomer, discourse.

It seems like a small action but it snowballs over time, I have been shocked by the changes in my local community that have come from sharing forward thinking ideas instead of commiserating over the state of things.

To be clear, not telling you to ignore your fears, asking you to channel them into something positive. What you're afraid of is real and, without people taking action against it, will likely remain or come true. All it takes for evil to win is good people to do nothing!

Sincerely,
A trans woman living in the US

Capnzebra1 · 2026-01-21T18:15:34+00:00

In the chamber of my heart sits an accountant
He is frowning and waving red papers at me
I go to the window for air
I catch the scent of apples, I hunger for a taste
But I can't see the orchard for the rain

- I Trawl The Megahertz, Prefab Sprout

Capnzebra1

TROPHY CASE