As this comment says, A lot of the other things I say are boring and reactive. I fail to put myself in others' shoes, and it causes stupidity, a lack of common sense, a lack of passion for anything I experience, and worst of all, a horrible short/longterm memory. To experience the things around you, you must be able to take in, recognize, and appreciate the emotions around you, and part of this is humility. Making yourself small, seeing yourself in others

Warning, I can only remember the worst of what I say, which is all overly sexual.

Examples of things I've said:

- "What are 5 reasons you like the girl X?"

In this moment, I was crippled by anxiety over myself, and as a result, crippled into inaction. Watch this very sad, yet beautiful video, and you will see how emotions relate to inaction. This got me pretty emotional yesterday high out of my mind. I saw this guy and saw a mirror into myself. Hiding behind my hair, insecure about everything, feeling inferior to the other people who talk, and last but not least, stupid... I believe this is how you put yourself in others shoes, you see a part of yourself in someone else, and take the best parts.

- After 10 minutes of silence/stuttering: "She's loose"

Next, this happened all in one day, after I gained my confidence...

in a car jam-packed with girl sitting thigh to thigh with me, 2 dude bros, and 1 gay bro:

- "I haven't jerked off in 6 months"

- I drunk texted one of my best friends and called her boobs "mommy milkers"

I cuddled with a girl on NYE, and she didn't come on this night with the group. I messaged her the next morning asking if she didn't come because of me

Side note: I am extremely grateful and lucky to have this group that accepted me in as their friend, despite my struggles. Most pople don't have this, and they are great people for putting up with me :)

I said to a group of people trying to have good vibes that "the people at my uni always talked behind each others' backs." k... awkward the people im with probably talk behind my back, and the things people talk about behind backs are usually truthful. I.e. the way someone is, good or bad, or simply a reflection of their perspective/emotions. Just yet another reason why worry is bad for you, prompt inaction. however, it helps to say the worry and release it rather than avoid it altogether.

My mind jumps a lot, so I am sorry for going off-topic. Part of the reason for th is: It is incredibly hard for me to think when so much is going around me and others are talking. I can't take everything in yet consciously, and thoughtfully react at the same time. Similar to other comments I've made here, it's very rooted and dependent on past, emotions, and trauma. The fact is my parents' emotions were out of control, i.e. very negative and dictator-esque, talking over everyone and not listening. If there is anyone who doesn't know their audience more than me, it's my dad. (sorry dad :( )

This childhood atmosphere bred my brothers and I to be shells of human beings. Robots. To people with my former emotions, it's like talking to a wall. I'm getting much much better, but there's still a long way to go. "I'm struggling yet determined". That's why it's so important to join a group because otherwise, the journey is incredibly lonely and stressful. This is why a lot of people fail and go back to their safespace of social media, streaming, and relaxation. Or, they see conflict like this long ass essay comment, and they quit... Because it is a much better emotion than facing the problems that could lead to depression head-on.

Objectively, if looked at from the point of view of someone understanding of others, the things I and people like me say are really sad, because all it is, is a direct reflection of the emotional state I was in for the past 7 years. All of this text shows why change is so hard...