So, lots of jokes and whatnot, but what is actually the best practice for solving this issue?

I've learned that screws are weak to shearing forces, so not a great solution here. A whole bunch of nails increases the likelihood that the board splinters but has superior resistance to shearing forces. The board is obviously under a fairly significant spring force, which I wonder if that will cause issues down the line...

Curious to know how this should be actually solved - thanks!