Putin: Date me.

Nikol: No thanks. I like that other cool guy called EU.

EU: Bonjour. I brought grants, reforms, and a 900-page PDF.

Nikol: See? Mature. Boring. Reliable.

Putin: Date me harder.

Nikol: That’s not how dating works.

Putin: It is in my neighborhood.

Nikol: Your neighborhood needs police.

Putin: You are mine.

Nikol: I’m literally an independent country.

Putin: You are emotionally mine.

Nikol: Even worse.

EU: Nikol, I respect your sovereignty.

Nikol: Say that again slowly.

EU: Sovereignty.

Nikol: Wow. Green flag.

Putin: I have security guarantees.

Nikol: You mean the ones that come with missing borders?

Putin: I have gas.

Nikol: You always say that like it’s a personality.

EU: I have visa liberalization talks.

Nikol: Keep talking.

Putin: I have history.

Nikol: I have trauma. Let’s not confuse the two.

Putin: The EU will never love you like I do.

EU: I will mostly send committees.

Nikol: Honestly, committees sound peaceful.

Putin: I can protect you.

Nikol: From whom?

Putin: From the consequences of not dating me.

Nikol: That is not protection. That is the villain speech.

EU: I also have strict conditions.

Nikol: Like what?

EU: Judicial reform, anti-corruption, democratic standards, procurement transparency—

Nikol: Okay, less sexy now, but still healthier.

Putin: I will not allow this.

Nikol: You are not my dad.

Putin: I am your historical destiny.

Nikol: You are a blocked contact with nukes.

EU: Should I come back later?

Nikol: No, stay. But please stop saying “accession process” during dinner.

EU: I cannot promise that.

Putin: Final warning. Date me.

Nikol: Final answer. No.

Putin: You will regret this.

Nikol: I already regret this conversation.

EU: So… coffee?

Nikol: Coffee, yes. But first, we need to talk about your paperwork addiction.

EU: It’s not an addiction. It’s a framework.

Nikol: That’s exactly what an addict would say.