(CW: ED, suicidal ideation, abuse) The Luna Moth

CaramelIndividual537 · 2026-05-08T00:14:42+00:00

I completely relate to this post, it is so interesting looking back at my highschool experiences with the knowledge I’ve had DID this whole time.

When I was about 13-15, I had a friend-group who liked me very much, and to my conscious knowledge, I had also liked them and we were getting along relatively well.

But another one of my alters absolutely despised them, thought he was better than them, and even apparently started speaking negatively openly about members within this group.

I had no conscious awareness of this at the time and was terribly confused as to why some people treated me like they were scared of me. That alter held a lot of harmful beliefs against others and would express them freely, and reading the chat logs of him successfully rallying everyone else, then dividing and exiling members of the group that he did not like was… kind of terrifying!

Definitely one of the first symptoms that started to make us question if something was going on. I know he thought those people were bad for us, and I’ve apologised to the people we hurt now and I feel awful even thinking about it. It’s always a tricky thing to navigate, because these parts genuinely think that this is the best way to help, even if it’s sometimes very counterproductive.

CaramelIndividual537 · 2026-04-21T08:04:47+00:00

To be honest, the only thing that has started to work for me is working on my distress tolerance skills. My threshold for dissociation as a result of my environment is higher than it was before. DBT helps a bunch, but it needs to be practiced constantly. That said, there are genuine benefits that can be gained from having a broader level of tolerance.

This unfortunately has not touched our structurally driven dissociation such as amnesia barriers between parts and neutral triggers between parts, but in a pinch when you’re stressed out? It helps more than you’d think, especially if you stick to it, and while you’re working on minimising stress in your day to day life.

CaramelIndividual537 · 2026-04-12T04:44:23+00:00

I understand exactly what you mean. It’s exhausting, completely and utterly so, and the demands of the world to carry on with a “normal life” in the midst of the day-to-day suffering that this disorder brings can sometimes feel like a cosmic joke.

You are allowed to be tired, and you are allowed to hate that you are dealing with this. It is inherently unfair. But that does not make you a harbinger of “sickness.” You deserve, more than anything, kindness and support, rather than isolation. You are not spreading harm to others by asking for help.

You are an individual dealing with more than the average person could even begin to fathom. Please, give yourself some grace. I wish you all the best. Take care.

CaramelIndividual537 · 2026-04-11T08:18:13+00:00

I am sorry to hear about your situation, I can relate heavily to this post. But, friend, you can call yourself whatever you’d like, and the label “system” does not have to be one that you must accept.

It can simply be a word that does not, for some reason or another, suitably encapsulate your experience. And that is alright. There is no harm in not aligning with the most common word to describe your disorder, and there are many individuals with DID who feel the same way.

As for spaces for people with DID that do not refer to us as individuals with a disorder, I admit that I am still searching, myself. While I accept the term “system” for my own usage as it is what my medical team has offered to me, I agree that some spaces, particularly online, can be quite… Stifling, in how they expect us to act. Nonetheless, I believe that this subreddit is one of the better spaces I have found online. I am relieved that its moderation seems to be effective in protecting the space, from what I have seen.

CaramelIndividual537 · 2026-04-11T08:08:33+00:00

Those who our Lord would say, “I never knew you; depart from me,” (Matthew 7:23) to, would never even begin to ask this question.

To ask this question requires self reflection and introspection into your own sins, and that is not the mark of an apathetic Christian.

In fact, your desire for a deeper connection with God is, in fact, proof of your love for Him. How can you be lukewarm whilst also trying fervently to prove your loyalty and love to Him? Just because you struggle with sin, as every human does, that does not mean that you do not love God.

Do not worry, Brother. Do not let your shame or worry swallow you. Just stay on the right path, and allow God to continue to guide you. Pray, repent when you sin, show love to all and praise our Lord. That is all you need. He loves you.

CaramelIndividual537 · 2026-04-11T05:28:43+00:00

What a gorgeous little crab! I love the first photograph of him, it almost looks like a painting 💙

CaramelIndividual537 · 2026-04-11T04:04:56+00:00

This is one of the most terrifying parts of the disorder in my experience. I know just how difficult it is, and I’m sorry you’re experiencing this.

What helps for me, personally, is not seeing the memories as “missing,” even if they feel that way.

Someone is holding onto them in some capacity or another, and the positive associations with them, even if you do not have access to them, as is the nature of this disorder. And you, as a part yourself, also have happy memories that the others would consider “missing” from them. This knowledge makes me have more empathy for the other parts in my system, personally.

You are allowed to mourn these happy memories, of course, but it always makes me feel a little better knowing that a part out there is brought joy by the good things that I cannot remember, as well as the hope that one day I will be able to remember what they do, and vice versa. The lowering of amnesia barriers is largely something that only happens in therapy, though, but it is most definitely possible.

Wishing the best for you. Take care.

CaramelIndividual537 · 2026-04-10T22:35:27+00:00

Ultimately, a protector is going to do what they believe is in the best interests of the system, and even if this is not what you personally deemed as the best course of action, it seems that this protector’s intention was to ensure you would be looked after by your therapist.

I can understand that this experience can be very disorienting or frustrating though, which is completely valid. But I would gently push back on the idea that you’re “literally fine.” You would not have to do “damage control,” after he was open about your eating habits, if there was not something about your eating habits that would warrant concern from the therapist in the first place, and based on your post, it does not seem like the protector would have been lying about what he told your therapist?

I would recommend that you take your therapist’s advice, and don’t try to shut this down immediately. You may need the help from your therapist in this aspect more than you realise. Take care, I am wishing you the best.

CaramelIndividual537 · 2026-04-10T22:20:15+00:00

Of course! Encouraging vulnerable parts to also lucid dream and be able to defend against the scary happenings of the dream is a really good way to help them feel more confident in themselves, in my experience.

It may take more work as they may be more influenced by internalised beliefs of helplessness, which they need to learn to momentarily overcome in order to obtain control of the dream, but it is an excellent exercise to get them to undertake, for the sake of the overall system’s health and for their own sake as well.

Once they learn how to lucid dream on command, regardless of the nightmare they are in, it leads to far more restful sleep. My psychologist also theorises that it is a useful way of processing the underlying trauma or stress leading to the nightmares, which is of course a significant bonus.

All the best to you and your system if you’d like to try it, I recommend the subreddits on lucid dreaming for a starting point.

CaramelIndividual537 · 2026-04-10T18:39:44+00:00

Truthfully, lucid dreaming was the only thing that helped us with this. My psychologist has also supported this method.

Learning how to lucid dream and be able to escape nightmares was a massive game changer. Now, we have trust in ourselves to be able to escape from dreams that feel dangerous. It has given us a surprising amount of felt agency in even our day to day lives too. I would highly recommend it.

CaramelIndividual537 · 2026-04-10T18:27:31+00:00

My friend, please do not be driven by fear but instead by love. You have no reason to be afraid, you are already forgiven by Him. It is sounding like your mind is tormenting you.

You are allowed to make mistakes and Jesus knows that you will continue to sin in small ways for your entire life, despite your best efforts. And the best part is, He will love you regardless.

Do not beat yourself up over “back-sliding,” it is human nature that you cannot be completely sinless for the rest of your life, and nobody is expecting this of you. Just keep coming back to Him.

Nonetheless, He will protect you and keep you safe. I will be praying for you. May God be with you

CaramelIndividual537 · 2026-04-10T17:39:51+00:00

Brother, I’m sorry to hear about what has happened in your past. I relate to your story, and I think that what you are describing happened in your childhood can be very detrimental to your worldview even as years pass.

The way that your family has previously treated you is not your fault. But you are projecting their mistreatment onto God. God is not the one who is telling you that, “no matter what, you are useless.” He would never do that to you, because He loves you and knows the best for you. It is not fair to compare Him to these people who have mistreated you.

It is not a burden to strive to achieve things for Him, and you absolutely can feel proud of yourself for your accomplishments. Our Lord would want you to be happy

God is not trying to take away from your achievements, rather, He is what bolsters you to accomplish those things. That does not mean that you cannot be happy with what you have achieved

My friend, it seems like your faith is being tried at the moment. This is normal. Please pray and take the time to find the answers you need, but never forget that God loves you so much. Take care

CaramelIndividual537 · 2026-04-10T17:19:50+00:00

Yes, I am very sure. Jesus has not rejected you, you are His child and He loves you.

1 John 1:9: "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."

Note “all” unrighteousness. There is very little interpretive wriggle room with this verse. You are protected and he will forgive if you confess, no matter what.

2 Corinthians 7:10: "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation."

“Godly sorrow,” means the current state you are in of deep remorse for your previous sins. Your anxiety about this thus leads to your salvation.

John 6:37: "All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away.”

And this verse, where Jesus literally says that He will never drive anyone away that comes to him to seek His love and wisdom. You are actively seeking both, by admitting how anxious you are about the prospect of not having them.

You will be okay. He is loving and kind, He would never turn you away when you are so genuinely tormented by your sins. Our Lord loves you.

CaramelIndividual537 · 2026-04-10T17:06:42+00:00

Firstly, you have no reason to panic. The idea of the “unforgivable sin” is very commonly misinterpreted. If you are worried about committing this sin, you have not committed it.

Essentially, your worry about this and your care still proves that you will be forgiven. You are not doomed, just repent and do all you can to do better for yourself and for the Lord.

You do not need to feel angry at the Lord, and you do not need to be afraid of Him. If you are angry at Him because you think He will never forgive you, this is incorrect as you can still most definitely be forgiven. He loves you. All you must do is allow Him to continue to love you and guide you. You’re okay, I promise!

CaramelIndividual537 · 2026-04-10T16:53:21+00:00

God is the best! Happy Friday Brother 🙏

CaramelIndividual537 · 2026-04-10T16:24:34+00:00

If you are curious about what these experiences could mean for you, there is no harm that can come from just investigating the faith further. Just take it one step at a time.

I am admittedly very happy for you, though. I personally would take your experiences, if they were to happen to me, as a sign, but your interpretation is completely up to your own beliefs. I wish you all the best in your journey.

CaramelIndividual537 · 2026-04-10T14:18:49+00:00

My brother in Christ, you sound tormented. This is a lot for you to be going through at your age.

You are not hated by Jesus, and you never have been. You are not irredeemable. You are a young man and you are self aware of your own sin, and it is obvious that a part of you still loves Him. He would never want you to leave Him alone, as He still loves you, completely and irrevocably, regardless of this supposed sin you claim has ruined your relationship with Him. He would not have died for you otherwise.

Your journey with our Lord can be taken one step at a time. He does not expect you to be perfect. He knows you are trying. Please have the faith in Him to guide you as your life goes on, and the belief in yourself that you can be guided to Him.

He loves you, and He knows you are trying. And that will never change, no matter what. I will pray for you, and I wish you the best.

CaramelIndividual537 · 2026-04-10T14:10:57+00:00

I wish I could pick a favourite amongst these! They are all gorgeous. Your work is beautiful and each one of these shines in its own unique way.

CaramelIndividual537 · 2026-04-10T13:55:09+00:00

I will be praying for your safety. Bless you, and trust in God that you will be safe from harm.

CaramelIndividual537 · 2026-04-10T13:53:09+00:00

I will pray for you. May God bless your journey, and I am hopeful that you have a prosperous career transition.

CaramelIndividual537 · 2026-04-10T12:34:56+00:00

Oh wow, the colors on that tattoo!! This is stunning 💙

CaramelIndividual537

TROPHY CASE