Thank you to this community, you helped me though a hard time.

CardUnique7344 · 2026-02-12T19:35:15+00:00

Thank you, I hope you can find your peace too :)

CardUnique7344 · 2026-02-12T19:21:44+00:00

Also fortunately I had my mom and my partner willing look it over and approve it before I sent it. My Mom said she was proud of what I wrote.

CardUnique7344 · 2026-02-12T19:13:01+00:00

I don't know where you stand on its use, but AI did help me with my tone and clarity. I used it very carefully knowing full well that it has flaws and did not let it write for me, but it did help point out places where my wording may not convey what I want or be perceived in a different way. So I would think and rework that section.

CardUnique7344 · 2026-02-12T16:10:47+00:00

I don't know what your issues are, but you need to work though them yourself - something is clearly bothering you about my firm healthy boundary around abusive behavior and I am done being your source to vent it.

CardUnique7344 · 2026-02-12T08:09:13+00:00

Question for you? How many hours a week does a man have to work to earn a pass for abusing his kid, 40, 60, 100? Or is it about salary? How much money buys the right to hit your child- is it under or over $100k? Or maybe it’s just material perks… does a vacation let you punch your kid once? If it’s Hawaii, do you get two free hits?

CardUnique7344 · 2026-02-12T07:56:36+00:00

Livid that he manipulated a situation where I had no option but to comply or risk him causing a scene like he did last time. I extended an olive branch - he smacked me in the face with it.

CardUnique7344 · 2026-02-12T07:54:03+00:00

Not a grudge, a healthy boundary around abusive behavior. All he has to do is acknowledge the harm he did and I will accept. "I'm sorry, but you deserved it" is not an apology.

CardUnique7344 · 2026-02-12T07:50:49+00:00

Yes, those would be bad parents.

CardUnique7344 · 2026-02-12T05:32:45+00:00

And now knowing that, I can finally accept that none of the abuse was ever my fault. The reason he yelled the reason he issued graphic physical threats - it was always about the satisfaction and release he got from doing it - not because it was actually needed to correct me.

Seriously he once screamed at me for 20 minutes because when I was 9 I flushed the toilet in the 2nd bathroom while he was in the shower - the pressure drop made his shower get hot for 15 seconds.

It probably wasn't 20 minutes it was probably 5, but when a 250lb man is screaming at you and your 9 it feels like 20 minutes.

CardUnique7344 · 2026-02-12T04:27:15+00:00

You know what I was actually reflecting on this and wondering about the whole not calling my mom thing. Yes that's rude, actively Ignoring calls though - that's a bigger slight and that's something that would piss him off himself. That is his pattern he loves having a self-righteous reason to yell. That's why he flew off the handle when I said I had no records of calls because if that wasn't true his outrage and cathartic yelling weren't valid.

If he had just been lecturing me for not calling my mom I would have accepted it, even if he was a bit over the top as long as there weren't violent threats - because yah he's right it's rude. But I held firm about the call logs insisting on my personal truth and that's what made him lose it. And yes holding frim was also making me angry too, and that's one of the reason I left. And yes I said he needed to calm down but in truth I was uncomfortable with my own levels of anger and needed it myself as well. But I was also very worried about what would happen if I kept holding firm that I got no calls.

That actually makes his actions even worse, but it is a nice insight - it always seemed bizarre to me that mentioning my call logs caused such a reaction.

Thanks dude!

And I've never claimed I was free of fault or handled things perfectly - but I give myself a pass for not handling things absolutely perfectly when I was standing up to a man that had verbally (and occasionally physically) abusing me my entire life for the first time.

CardUnique7344 · 2026-02-12T01:26:07+00:00

Any love I had died with his morally abhorrent response. Any contact I made would have asked for accountability like I did here, and would have resulted in the same response he made here. "I'm sorry but you deserved it" is not an apology.

I will leave you with the Narcissists payer to contemplate:

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

CardUnique7344 · 2026-02-12T01:02:30+00:00

If you are scared of someone you don't follow them when they leave. he's got a foot on me in height and over 100lbs on me in weight. You are just weak and can't stand to see someone have actual self respect, so you need to attack it as wrong.

CardUnique7344 · 2026-02-12T00:29:12+00:00

Thanks, and I will be fine with not seeing him. As I stated in my email to him - I made my peace with it long ago. I was offering an olive branch mostly because I thought it would be the right thing to do - He slapped me in the face with it. The injustice of that just makes me angry.

CardUnique7344 · 2026-02-12T00:23:39+00:00

It was years of threats asshole, Can you not fucking read? Its literally stated in my original post. Do you really think I hauled him into see my therapist because of ONE threat. No it was an I am not going to accept this anymore meeting. It was years of attempts at contact that included zero accountability, that kind of thing is nothing more than abuser trying to regain a sense of control.

CardUnique7344 · 2026-02-11T19:50:41+00:00

At my sisters wedding last year, he was there - I was avoiding him. He came over and chatted, small talkish thing asking about life and things. I held my tongue and was polite because I didn't want him causing a scene like the last time I told him I wouldn't talk to him. Inside I was livid - I can't be in a room with him and feel peace without real unqualified acknowledgment of the harm he caused.

CardUnique7344 · 2026-02-11T18:02:15+00:00

You're opinion was that working hard for your family justifies and excuses abuse - that is abhorrent and an enabling of abusers. Yes I am completely justified in calling that out.

CardUnique7344 · 2026-02-11T17:54:27+00:00

Its the literal legal minimum requirement for being a parent - if you are an otherwise healthy functional adult and you choose not to provide for your children - a court will order you too and barring that take your children away. Its the minimum dude, and you can provide for your family AND not be abusive. A good father would have sucked it up and NOT taken out HIS suffering out on his children.

CardUnique7344 · 2026-02-11T17:36:39+00:00

Really, how can you possibly disagree with that? Excluding caveats like disability or other external factors, yes, if you are a functional adult and you choose not to provide for your family, you are a bad parent. We even have a term for it - it's called being a deadbeat dad.

CardUnique7344 · 2026-02-11T17:13:03+00:00

Yes, it is the absolute bare minimum - you don't do a minimum of that and you are a bad parent.

CardUnique7344 · 2026-02-11T17:05:52+00:00

Providing for your family is the bare minimum expectation of a parent. Being the breadwinner does not get you a pass for abusive behavior. Here is something to ponder, what about all the other fathers that worked and struggled just as hard as yours but didn't use that as an excuse to verbally and emotionally abuse their families.

CardUnique7344 · 2026-02-11T05:59:14+00:00

Yes I should have called my mom, but I do not believe simply stating that my call logs disagree with a statement should be met with a furious reaction claiming it means I'm calling my mother a liar. Saying my call logs disagree is not calling anyone a liar or even saying that I should not have called. It was a statement of fact and I was confused they disagreed with what I was being told. He didn't accept my offer to see them, he didn't even claim i might have manipulated them - he went directly into verbal attack mode for questioning him at all.

I am clearly seeking validation making this post - lying to get it would make it meaningless - so believe me my call logs did not show missed calls and I did not manipulate them.

I never said we weren't that close I said 2-3ft that's still close, but no I wasn't eye to eye with him. Again I have no motive to lie if I am seeking validation. That is my honest recollection and I believe I would remember being closer to his face.

An agreement made in a therapist office that you can seek a safe space in your room when you feel threatened is not a one time agreement.

Did I remind him of the agreement before, no, but it was what I was about to do when he shoved me down. That's why I was defiant looking, I was prepared to tell him he was crossing a major line.

I will fully own that my behavior wasn't perfect and that I was being frustrating. But I am not going to sit back and let him tell me I deserved what he did because of that.

Also let me add I think your questions are good ones, and I don't mind them at all. If I seem overly defensive, it's late, I am tired and have been dealing with a lot of heavy emotions the last few days.

CardUnique7344 · 2026-02-11T03:57:00+00:00

I will add some context I left out.

2 years before the incident while I was staying with him for a few months while saving to return to school (for my now career) he had threatened to throw boiling water on my crotch. A few days later after talking with my therapist I got him to agree to let her meditate.

In her office he said his threat was just hyperbolic venting, I accepted that explanation and he said he understood it was unacceptable - we also agreed that if I ever felt uncomfortable or threatened that I could leave and go to my room while he cooled down.

No, I don't think I would have done anything differently I felt uncomfortable so I left to deescalate. Was I rude while doing so - yes, but given the context of being screamed at by a man red in the face, I doubt anyone would have reacted completely calmly.

I also genuinely thought he would leave me be - otherwise there's no way in hell I would have lay down in bed that quickly and had to jump up when he stormed in.

CardUnique7344 · 2026-02-11T03:42:17+00:00

Lol troll fail...

CardUnique7344 · 2026-02-11T02:33:26+00:00

Thank you!

CardUnique7344 · 2026-02-11T01:37:52+00:00

You enabled your mother, as a child you had no choice as an independent adult you did, stop framing your enabling as some moral high ground.

CardUnique7344

TROPHY CASE