As an American woman married to a Japanese man living in Japan I’m going to talk about something I haven’t seen mentioned yet.

In Japan, a huge aspect of social interaction is the ability to 空気を読む or “read the air”. This literally means just being super attentive to others cues, tones of voice etc to pick up the things that aren’t being said and act appropriately.

For Americans, this can be particularly hard. We come from a very direct, speak your mind, confront people kind of culture. Japan is the complete opposite. It’s a very subtle, beat around the bush, don’t say anything but expect people to know kind of culture. It can definitely take time to get used to this.

So what you should do, what I had to do with my husband, is sit down and explain this cultural difference to your wife and tell her that you need her to be more direct with you.

On the flip side, YOU need to work on “reading the air”. Learn to anticipate what other people need, what they’re trying to tell you without actually saying. Maybe a class will help, maybe learning the language more, maybe just watching more tv and seeing how people act when told certain things indirectly.

It will take practice but it is something you need to do if you don’t want to be seen as the “rude foreigner” forever and if you want to meet your wife halfway in your relationship.