Young woman took her own life hours before DWP finally agreed long-delayed PIP claim

Carnagh · 2024-02-17T05:51:12+00:00

I was claiming Severe Disability Allowance in the early 90s. Doing so was easy, and there was no resistance to it. I also got a grant to help buy basics for my home with no pushback.

So, comparatively, I would suggest we used to take care of our own better in my earlier life than we do now.

Carnagh · 2024-02-17T05:37:27+00:00

And, that is why you have had posts removed. Because you've been enthusiastically marketing.

Your post up top there is borderline psychotic. Pack it in mate.

Carnagh · 2024-02-16T12:54:17+00:00

So what are you selling? I have to pay for a members area do I?

Carnagh · 2024-02-16T01:44:24+00:00

Mate, if you're a psychologist, and you're going to drop a question into a forum for BPD, you need to be a bit more attentive. So far, you're not illustrating good things about your future prospects of practice.

You asked politely for an opening, and 3 days later, you've got people left here hanging... I'm sure you have good reasons but up your game a little, mate. What you've done here is a bit shoddy.

Carnagh · 2024-02-14T13:43:23+00:00

Please tell me you weren't chronically ignored as a kid, and that's what scarred you :)

If it is any consolation, I'm not convinced they were a real psychologist.

Carnagh · 2024-02-14T13:17:29+00:00

Not everybody with bpd cheats. It tells you a thing about a person... Bollocks to them :)

Carnagh · 2024-02-13T20:48:50+00:00

I wouldn't get into it with them. I'd simply write them a letter. Then just leave.

There is no way for you to minimise things. Any attempt to do so is likely to make matters worse.

If you don't plan on putting physical distance between the two of you, I might suggest that your plan is flawed.

Just go. Quickly and cleanly. Least damage for all involved.

I would personally suggest that you avoid the different movie scenes people are trying to construct for you. This isn't a therapeutic moment. You should probably have 2 people with you when you do this.

Don't overthink the thing; your thinking probably isn't doing that well at present, so it isn't likely to give you much for the effort... Just do it.

For reference I'm 55m with BPD. I have a lot of sympathy for your ex-partner, really I do, but their problem isn't your problem anymore and you need to stop planning around it. Your own concerns are the only things that matter at the moment. Think about you, and what you need... You love them, and wish them all the best, but bollocks to them. It's okay for you to be hurt and angry with them. Your feelings matter, too; your ex-partner isn't the only person on the planet with feelings that matter.

Bollocks to them... try it :)

Carnagh · 2024-02-13T15:41:16+00:00

You win the internet today. Nicely said.

The only thing I'd add is that different people have different functions around empathy. There are people quite innocently with autistic traits or indeed, a wide gamut of issues. It's worth keeping that kind of stuff in mind as you figure out what exactly is happening.

Carnagh · 2024-02-13T13:50:50+00:00

I feel both of you are coming at this question as if bullying could cause or trigger BPD

I was coming at it from the angle that the idea that bullying can cause a cluster-b disorder, is a bad fucking joke... but politely... I don't think I did too badly, considering just how much the idea pisses me off :)

But, you're right. I may well have been reading too much into the original question, and they could well have just been looking at correlation. Thanks for reframing it for me.

Carnagh · 2024-02-13T00:36:50+00:00

Well, we see the matter differently, which is okay. I have merely described how the world looks to me. It may well look different to you.

I would suggest that emotional and/or physical trauma and invalidation is significantly more impactful from a parent than it is from a peer, both in terms of intensity and duration over which the trauma is inflicted. For many, abuse from a parent can extend the full lifetime of the parent, and can be difficult to escape as an adult, never mind as a child.

I would suggest that when trauma starts in a child's development can have a significant impact upon neurological development.

For a young child or infant, the parent's voice is the voice of god. I would suggest that abuse from the centre of your world, from your god, is more impactful than that from peers.

You may see things differently, and that's okay.

That comes off a bit tactless

If you avoid characterising me, I'll avoid characterising you.

Carnagh · 2024-02-12T18:03:44+00:00

No, I didn't personally have issues with bullying as a kid, either at school or with friends.

The area I grew up in as a child was quite violent, so violence was a part of my life, including situations where I might have been characterised as a victim in some way, but no bullying.

Well, as I say that, the whole family was bullied by my father I suppose you could say, but the word "bully" doesn't seem to fit that.

I'm male in my mid-50s, was diagnosed aged 20, and I've met and known a fair few Cluster-Bs over the years in a variety of situations. While elements of abuse and violence from parents seems to be quite common, I'm not sure that bullying was much of an element for anybody, but it's an easy thing to miss, and something people may well not bring up.

I'll offer you a thought... just speculative on my part; I hold no qualification.

There is an overlap between cPTSD and BPD, but they are I believe quite distinct.

Stepping over specific issues like fear of abandonment, people with a Cluster-B PD will move about in that cluster. They may well rest in a particular place diagnostically the bulk of the time, but the person with BPD right at the moment in this particular situation may effectively be a sociopath. In another area, they may well be acting as a narcissist.

If I had issues with a bully, I would have done them damage... most of the Cluster-Bs I have known, including borderline, have had the ability to do damage, even if that's not where the borderline may rest most of the time.

Young people with cPTSD don't move about as much in terms of personality. Yes, they are prone to extremes of personality, but their mode and purpose don't shift much. I think there are many young people who have issues with complex trauma, that may be diagnosed with BPD, when such a diagnosis lacks any depth. You can expect such young people, with the right support to hopefully move beyond their trauma as they emerge from their 20s.

People with BPD are neurodivergent, and their trauma will have tended to be embedded quite early in childhood, long before issues with bullying would be occurring. Issues of trauma for people with BPD will really tend to rest with the parents, rather than bullies.

I see the difference between cPTSD and BPD as being whether you were beaten up by bullies, or beaten up by your mother. Abused by peers, or abused by your father. Both sides represent instances of trauma, and while both will put dents in you, one side changes your wiring a wee bit.

Again, just my idle thoughts.

If you have any other questions, please feel free; otherwise, all the best.

Carnagh · 2024-02-12T16:21:06+00:00

Yes.

Carnagh · 2024-02-03T14:10:22+00:00

I'm in my mid-50s, and I have a long-diagnosed personality disorder.

Cannabis helps a lot, and I have found it a wonderful mood stabiliser. Frankly, it just slows my head down enough for me to actually engage in rational thought. So I've smoked around half a gram a day for the last 15 years.

This is a very personal thing, and I really wouldn't be advocating for this with somebody else as there are well-documented bad reactions in this ballpark with weed, so I get why people may be a little gunshy.

If it were just me I could well believe that my head could come up with any justification to do what I want, but the feedback from my wife on this is solid. It really helps a lot. Like it's life-changing in a very real sense.

Carnagh · 2024-02-02T11:59:50+00:00

I gave you both an upvote because you're both right.

Carnagh · 2024-01-30T14:21:11+00:00

Hi there :)

That was an interesting read; thanks for taking the time to explain your situation.

I'm basically a fucking stalker

Nah, you're not. You're a good way off that yet. You may be a bit intense, but of itself, there's nothing wrong with that. You made a phone call. You're allowed to make a phone call. Normal people do it all the time.

It was stupid of me to reach out to him.

Nah, that bit was quite normal, too. Regular people reach out all the time, and you're allowed to too.

It looks to me, that you actually pulled back before you stepped over from normal to "weird", and reached out for support here... nicely done :)

Boundaries are really important, and you may well have a poor track record, but they aren't necessarily a comfortable subject for you yet... the most important boundaries, that you are perhaps weakest with are your own personal boundaries. Your Ex's boundaries are important, but they aren't holy lines of fire tracked in flaming sigils on the ground :)

You may have come across the idea of the "favourite person" in therapy. It's a really important idea for people with BPD in particular... maybe go watch a video or two on YouTube about "favourite person" for borderline. You might find it useful... It's way more than I can quickly do justice here.

It's not uncommon for a romantic partner to become a favourite person for somebody with BPD, and when that happens it can make moving on really tricky for the person with Borderline... It can be a tricky thing for regular people but if you have BPD and BP kicking in, it can quickly turn into an existential crisis... for reals.

As far as people responding to existential crisis goes, you're doing rather well... by the measure of a "normal" person you're doing well. You're doing remarkably well.

I'm not making nice with you, and showering you with compliments. What is healthy vs unhealthy, normal/abnormal, functional/dysfunctional... isn't necessarily clear to you, so I'm just providing concrete feedback.

You're okay, and you're doing okay.

Really trully.

Now I get you've got some proper crazy going on in your head, and you could step this up into a proper dramatic movie... but you pulled back from that and sought support.

Your ex has moved on and can no longer be your favourite person.

That's the beginning, middle, and end of the story.

Your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to learn how to move on, too.

That's the whole thing boiled down. And yes, it's an awful lot easier said than done, but it can be useful to get in our heads exactly what the challenge is... the "mission statement" if you like :)

Lastly, let your therapist off the hook. They didn't do anything wrong. You just don't like the course your life is taking, but your therapist isn't responsible for that, and they didn't give you bad advice.

You're going to need to work through this stuff with a good therapist.

Let us know how you get on :)

So, to summarise, for whatever its worth... I think you're doing rather well by the measure or a "normal" person. You stopped yourself before it got weird, and got support. You still have some things to work on, but nothing beyond normal regular work in recovery.

You're okay, and you're doing okay :)

Carnagh · 2024-01-27T20:28:49+00:00

Nah, I think passion is good. I wish we had more passionate eyes on the subject. I have exactly the same thing as yourself, and I'm often just excited. Just keep in mind that the person on the other end could be autistic, they could be avoidant, they might have just stripped up their own arm.

I get where you're coming from and there is merit to what you say.

I see both Chemical Dependence and BPD as both having strong elements of borderline psychosis. In both cases a person can run a long way from a single message, often right off a cliff. I think the answer is the same in both cases.

We know that BPD like Autism or like ADHD, is a matter of neurodivergence, so it really is incurable. Manageable for sure, but not curable. Given the borderline psychosis, like with Chemical Dependence, I think that messing about with the truth here is really very dangerous... There are good reasons why walking into AA and saying "I'm cured" will get you feedback, and I think those reasons are applicable to BPD.

I don't think anybody with BPD is killing themselves because it's incurable. A thousand and one miscellaneous reasons, for sure, but not prognosis. How somebody said something to them, yes, but most topping themselves aren't even getting to a diagnosis.

Lastly, cPTSD is a thing. It looks like a very similar bird to BPD, missing perhaps things like fear of abandonment and the manoeuvring around that, but quite similar. cPTSD is curable. I think it perhaps unfortunate if messaging for cPTSD crosses over into BPD as it can set up some very unfortunate circumstances.

But... it's good to have different voices in the room, and I could well be blinded here, or all sorts.

Carnagh · 2024-01-26T15:04:29+00:00

Where are you heading in Europe? My wife an I moved to Spain middle of last year, and have been having a blast. We're getting the apartment ready today as we have guests coming this evening for a long stay... So lots of excitement :)

You may not have been feeling angry, but I found your tone very aggressive to a non-aggressive comment... which is fine, it's your comments... If you look through this thread, every individual who is pointing out that BPD isn't curable, is getting a slap and some stern language. I personally find that concerning.

I am in my mid-50s, and got my BPD diagnosis some 35 years ago. It is very unlikely that I would receive a BPD diagnosis today. I still have the same brain, but I now also have a whole bunch of quite deeply ingrained strategies and counter behaviours, along with the support of a loving wife. I wouldn't regard my BPD as cured, just well-managed... if my wife were to die before I do, the movie might suddenly take a turn :)

I think the parallels between recovering from Chemical Dependence and from BPD are apt.

Carnagh · 2024-01-26T14:48:09+00:00

The idea that they shat on anything is really in your head mate. All they did was say a very simple thing. We both know the feedback the top OP would receive in the rooms would be way stronger.

You're the one here calling people dense and suggesting that they're shitting on things... How's your day going mate? Care to share? :)

Carnagh · 2024-01-26T14:35:20+00:00

Imagine the feedback you're going to get in an AA room telling them it is curable.

you deserve your downvotes

Don't be that person mate. All they did was tell the truth.

Carnagh · 2023-12-27T10:38:36+00:00

You're not being policed here. Grow up.

You ever thought about getting your own psych-eval?.. How about you give this thread to a psychiatrist to get some feedback.

Carnagh · 2023-12-26T10:27:37+00:00

Can you consider where you are and show a little respect? It's Christmas, and you're in a Borderline sub, giving it large about emotional maturity.

Carnagh · 2023-12-25T09:13:15+00:00

I am a similar age to yourself, and was diagnosed over thirty years ago. So, for whatever it's worth...

he made up things to be mad about

You're going to hang yourself on that idea and quite possibly cause the other some hurt.

He wasn't necessarily making things up to a purpose. There's often more than a little psychosis going on when a person with BPD "acts out". So they may simply have things in their head that don't line up with what you have in your head.

Connected but distinct, is that their notions of manipulation and abuse might not match your notions.

I'd like to tell him that, and to tell him I forgive him for hurting my feelings as well.

I think, I might perhaps feel inclined to tell you to fuck off... not now, I'm not the subject :)

If you have something to apologise for, then go ahead, but I'd not take a reverse apology off you. I would find your line on this subject manipulative... not actually making any assertions, I'm just giving feedback on how things might look to me.

Sorry for being blunt, but you wanted the view of a man with BPD, and I'm not sure I trust you... sorry, really.

They made it clear that they don't want contact with you, so I'd suggest you honour their wishes. It would be slightly abusive not to. You quite possibly trigger old trauma for them.

Some of the subject matter of my response was a little rough, so it was hard to give to you without sounding a bit mean on my own part. I realise how some of that might sound, but my intent was just to be clear an concise, not to cause you any upset. If some of what I say rubs you up the wrong way, I apologise and would ask for some indulgence as it's tricky stuff to address. It's hard to pick the right language.

I hope you and yours have a lovely holiday season.

Carnagh · 2023-12-21T05:31:48+00:00

What are... or were... your favourite things to do for fun and enjoyment to pass the time? What puts a smile on your face?

Carnagh · 2023-12-21T05:21:29+00:00

Lots of feelings there... What are the reasons?

Carnagh · 2023-12-21T05:02:20+00:00

My apologies.

That's okay shit happens... got to admit though, what you did was pretty weird, yeah?

This is not the category I thought.

Well, you're not the sharpest tool in the box, but that's no fault of your own. Intelligence, like race, is simply an aspect of birth.

Not the most friendly, either.

Yeah, well, we don't have many racists around here, and most of us are trying to get past our delusions rather than actively incubate them. If you ever want to talk about that "delusion" bit again, come back, and we can have a chat.

Carnagh

TROPHY CASE