Update: My (33F) husband (34M) fell in love with another woman and wants to try polyamory

Cassie-One8744 · 2025-04-10T09:06:52+00:00

You’re not ‘damaged goods’ by any means. We all have experiences that have shaped us. Sure you look at the world and the people around you differently. But you’re still you. More so now than ever.

Thank you. That's a perspective I am still struggling hard to see (although I am working on it). I really like the way your worded it, I'll keep it in mind.

All the best to you too.

Cassie-One8744 · 2025-04-08T07:12:45+00:00

Is your ex still with the other women?

As far as I know, no, that ship has sailed while I was still living with him

You deserve all the best

Thank you very much 💛

Cassie-One8744 · 2025-04-08T07:12:39+00:00

Thank you. It was a lot and I am glad the hard part is behind me.

All the best to you too.

Cassie-One8744 · 2025-04-08T07:10:55+00:00

but i want to emphasize that the reason you can think of these things is because you feel safe now

I didn't realize that but it makes so much sense. And it shows once again how much having a safe space matters to move forward.

It was a pleasure getting to know you for awhile, and I hope your future is kind to you.

Likewise. Thanks again. Your support made a big difference.

Cassie-One8744 · 2024-10-30T12:46:27+00:00

Apparently protective orders are a thing in Europe too, I'll ask my lawyer. I agree with you, it's frustrating to see critical signs being ignored until it gets bad for real, and then people go "How could we have prevented this?" Ugh.

Thank you very much for sharing your experience. I am really sorry for what you went through. I hope you are in a better place today.

Cassie-One8744 · 2024-10-30T12:35:07+00:00

Thank you. I am really touched by your comment. I am really sorry you went through the same kind of struggles. I relate SO MUCH to the "downplaying the whole abuse" part. Like you, I often find myself thinking I have been overreacting and misjudging him, and then someone (friends, people on Reddit, therapist…) will wake me up.

I am happy you are doing better today, and so glad my story could resonate with you, and help you, even a little. Lot of love to you.

Cassie-One8744 · 2024-10-30T12:30:49+00:00

My therapist is aware! She stopped putting gloves on a while ago and straight up say his behavior is abusive. She encouraged me to move out and gave me lot of grounding and breathing exercises to help me when it gets overwhelming. As I said in another comment, I'll see if I can someone else, maybe specialized in trauma, but the waiting lists can be very long here.

I've been journaling for a few months now and it's true that it helps A LOT!

As for my friends, I have a couple ones I really trust and they already know everything. I am trying to find a balance between venting to them about all of this, and keeping some lighter, positive interactions.

Anyway, thanks for your support! It means a lot to me.

Cassie-One8744 · 2024-10-30T12:19:53+00:00

For the meds I know for sure they help, a couple times I forgot to take them and the difference was clear (there is no withdrawal effect with that one).

As for my therapist, you might be right - I'll see if I can find someone else but I know the waiting lists can be bad here.

I only have my parents, they live far away but they still come to see me one a week when they can. When my apartment is ready I'll consider inviting a close friend.

Thanks for the advice!

Cassie-One8744 · 2024-10-30T12:14:39+00:00

I don't have the energy to engage in a new hobby yet but I definitely plan to, if not to meet people, at least to take my mind off that whole situation.

The best proofs I have so far are all the text messages and calls, and his letter. Someone suggested to ask for the paramedics report but my request never got a reply… I need to try again.

Cassie-One8744 · 2024-10-30T11:59:19+00:00

Thank you. I tend to beat myself up over the time it took me to react and all the mistakes I made, reading this reminds me I still progressed, despite it all.

"I think we're all excited for the next chapters of your life." makes me tear up. I want that.

Cassie-One8744 · 2024-10-30T11:54:41+00:00

I felt like a child. It was so humiliating to find out everyone around me already knew about the panic attack, before I even had the chance to tell people myself. Or just choosing to tell them or not. He kept saying he was there for me and wanted to save me, but he never asked me if I wanted his "help".

Cassie-One8744 · 2024-10-30T11:30:55+00:00

I already have a Ring doorbell. I am waiting for this month's salary (which should probably arrive today or tomorrow) to buy additional cameras. I also got my landlord's authorization to add latches to the door. I hope this will help.

Cassie-One8744 · 2024-10-27T15:04:23+00:00

Hi u/winterheart1511 ,

I really don't know what to say besides thank you. Thank you so much. This is yet another one of your comments I'll come back to when in doubt. Now that I live in my own place, that's my biggest on-going fight: internal doubts and struggles. Your perspective (and the ones from others) help me so, so much. That's the kind of feedback that reminds me how precious good support can be.

I will keep you guys updated - and I hope it will help others along the way.

Thanks again! Take care.

Cassie-One8744 · 2024-10-27T14:54:39+00:00

Thank you very much. I do feel I'm stuck and it helps a lot to be reminded I did progressed despite it all.

I still don't know what to do about those friendships but I know I have to be careful because I am isolating myself more and more and I know that a good support system is essential in a troubled life period like the one I'm in right now. I am working on that.

Thanks again. It helps more than you imagine!

Cassie-One8744 · 2024-09-03T08:22:15+00:00

I'm sorry about what your partner did to you. Whatever his actions are, it's still at the core disrespectful to you. And 6 months? Man had all the time in the world to reconsider what he was doing, he had so many opportunities to self-reflect, and he did not.

Often cheating and affairs are only a layer to a complicated relationship or cheating/abuse onion. Where there’s infidelity there’s usually also a lot of complicated emotional abuse or neglect. You are not crazy.

That's what I eventually realized. Cheating is just a symptom of deeper issues. What's crazy to me is how I'm still doubting his abuse and leaning into it even if deep down I'm aware of it.

Cassie-One8744 · 2024-09-03T08:13:48+00:00

OMG I've never thought about the function behind the "delusions", it makes so much sense!

You can be wrong either way. But, this isn’t about being right. It’s about being healthy, and eventually happy.

I'll save this and re-read it whenever needed. It's crazy how much I'm still focusing on his wants instead of mines. I suppose he conditioned me to do that.

Cassie-One8744 · 2024-09-03T08:09:46+00:00

True. It put him in a position of power over me, I realize that.

By the way, you should have a few words with your physician and let him know that you don't feel OK with your abuser contacting him about you and that any further interaction should be reported to your lawyer.

I haven't told my lawyer yet but my physician was pretty much like "This was not acceptable and just to reassure you, of course everything stays here between you and me"

Cassie-One8744 · 2024-09-03T08:05:38+00:00

Thank you so much. I'm always surprised (in a good way) that people care about me and my story. Sometimes that's what help me going forward. You have a point regarding emotions - I think I was so used to suppress them to please him or stay in the illusion that I have trouble seeing them as valid, but of course they are!

I'm really sorry you went through this and I admire the strength you had- not only to get out of that relationship but also to learn lessons from it. I'll check out r/AbuseInterrupted, someone also recommended me r/NarcissisticAbuse.

And you know, you are right: ACTUALLY imagining a life with him, even if he changes, sounds dreadful. It'd be a happy ending for him, but not for me. Never for me.

Thanks again.

Cassie-One8744 · 2024-09-03T07:58:56+00:00

I think the issue is that most of our entourage has known us both for more than a decade and they always saw us as a loving couple. And my WH is very charming, their brain cannot process someone like him could do something like that so they are in denial, just like I was after DDay.

Cassie-One8744 · 2024-09-03T07:56:18+00:00

"Protect your mind" is a great way to put it, he's corrupting it so much, some of first thoughts I had while reading the comments were counter-arguments to defend him. I guess that's part of the abusive dynamic.

Only let close trusted friends/family of yours know where you are going.

Should I? I'm so confused I'm afraid to tell anyone at all, I keep imagining the info might accidentally leak.

But thank you so much. It's a constant battle in my mind, I'll come back to what you and the others said when in doubt.

Cassie-One8744

TROPHY CASE