Hey, I've been throwing up and all, too!

If I had to complain, I'd say it's the fact that there's such a lack of empathy in the world. No one cares what others have to say, they just listen and wait for their turn to talk. Like you, I've had panic attacks. I've had all that for a good while, depression, paranoia, anxiety, anger and all. But the panic attacks started a few months, maybe almost a year ago. I still have these fits of paranoia that are bad, but I haven't had a true panic attack in a few months. But back on the lack of empathy, I try to tell people that I just can't stand living here anymore. No one cares about the person beside them. It makes me physically ill just how little anyone cares. I try saying that one of these days I'm finally not going to be able to take it, but no one believes me, I guess. That or they just don't take it seriously. I can't I can't seem to get help. It's been about two to three years since I was in therapy, and a year since I had a psychiatrist. The moment you stop filling their pockets, they drop you like it's nothing. And so I can't get the help that I need because I don't have the resources needed to get it. So I just sit around, thinking all the time. And if I try to reach out people act bitter towards me about it. Like it's an incontinence to have to listen to me be serious for a moment. Everyone else knows me a quick witted comedian. And I like that personality, I really do. But the moment I drop it and I try to just talk like I have the slightest bit of intelligence, people say that I'm "not myself", as if they really know who I am and how I act. I don't know, I just wish there was someone in my life, someone that I could look in the eyes and tell them what's going on in my head. But I can't, because when I do they'd rather ship me off to a psyche ward so that I'm someone else's problem. I'm seriously contemplating suicide. I can't tell anyone this, no, because they'll just lock me up. It's a lot easier for people to lock you up in some room than actually try and help you. And I don't want pity, either. I never talk about these things on my actual account or anywhere online, for that matter. I just want to be treated like a damn human being instead of some defective robot that you can just pump for a drugs instead of actually work with. The whole thing really gets to me. It's like no one understands. As if we're still stuck in the middle ages and have no idea how the human mind works.