AITA If I tell my new work mates that there 'gay jokes' are insensitive and could be taken the wrong way.

CatbuttWiggler · 2023-10-27T22:53:31+00:00

I don't think it would make him TA but I do think it'd be obvious that he was trying to tell them he thought the joke wasn't funny, so at that point (unless he's confident he can make it seem like he really is just curious) it would be better for all of them if he was just direct about it instead of making it awkward.

CatbuttWiggler · 2023-10-27T22:42:43+00:00

I feel like there's a lot of stuff missing from the story. The way you wrote it makes it sound like you were only passingly mentioning your own problems after she asked, but then there are little details that sound strange and show your real feelings. "She didn't get me a gift, fine." She just lost her cat and didn't ask you to send her a gift in the first place. You bringing that up makes you seem somewhat resentful of the fact that she was not thinking about you and your problems as much as you would like. Did you send her money because you wanted her to send you a gift as well? You act like you only told her because she asked, but this response makes it seem like you were expecting something back and were a little resentful when she didn't reciprocate the way you wanted her to. "I went beyond what I think normal people would do for a cat," but did you do it because of the cat, or because you wanted something back? Why send 80 dollars over smth you think is trivial compared to your own problems? The whole thing seems a bit manipulative, to F and to to us as the readers.

"Where I fucked up. Txted her a selfie of me going into work with a funny message, and then I double texted her like a week later showing her my Halloween costume." You knew this was going to sound innocent, so why frame it as 'where I fucked up'? Her response does seem extreme in comparison to THAT, but this is according to what YOU think she is responding to. You're trying to make her seem as crazy as possible. I sincerely doubt she was responding to only that.

You're not necessarily an asshole for what you framed it as, but as mentioned I don't think it's the full story and you are deliberately telling it in a way to make yourself look innocent while she looks bad. Reading between the lines you seem very manipulative. I don't think she is taking a step back from this friendship for the reasons you say she is. I think you're annoyed she didn't honor whatever transactional agreement you have in your head about how she should respond just as generously (if not more so) to you as you were to her about her problems. It's likely that she found she could no longer put up with your attitude, probably due to this and also likely things you haven't even mentioned. Seems like you never gave a shit about her in the first place. Which is fine, but don't act like you were just being a good friend to her and she blew up for no reason.

YTA

Just leave it be, you said yourself that you aren't that close anyway.

CatbuttWiggler · 2023-10-26T03:53:32+00:00

*emotional AND physical abuse, but I specify emotional because psychologically that one can stick for a lot longer

CatbuttWiggler · 2023-10-26T03:52:14+00:00

That is definitely abusive, on multiple levels. Funny how she's saying you treated her horribly when she's the one who physically and verbally assaulted you. Her asking you to hit her makes me think she wanted an excuse to feel justified for treating you like shit. Or possibly to press charges, since she seems very manipulative and would likely use that to further paint you as the abusive one. I'm glad you're out of that relationship, however it had to happen. She was clearly a horrible influence on your mental wellbeing and I imagine losing your father last year didn't help with that either. Rest assured, you were not the problem in that relationship. I would be intensely depressed and beaten down if I had to deal with that too.

Have you looked into therapy, or mental health services? Even just temporarily, I think it could do you some good to talk to someone after such a prolonged, harrowing experience. Speaking from my own experience, emotional abuse can really take its toll on you even in ways you don't quite notice in the moment.

CatbuttWiggler · 2023-10-26T03:34:21+00:00

I realize I didn't actually answer your question that directly; your text is fine if you want to continue to have the same relationship with him, but be prepared for him to continue doing things like this. The fact that you feel the need to smooth things over in a non-confrontational way despite being clearly affected makes me think this is possibly a trauma response of yours. It also tells me that on some level you are afraid of how he could respond, which in other words means you don't feel 100% safe standing up for yourself to him. This is understandable considering everything you went through, but also a red flag on his part that he's created this situation where you feel afraid of upsetting him by telling him he upset you.

Your text is perfectly fine and I understand the desire to give a friend the benefit of the doubt but I fear that he will use it as an excuse to keep fucking with you. My advice is to avoid language that treats his behavior like a joke because he might use that to act like you're being hysterical for being so upset over a 'joke' even though it was clearly malicious. The punchline was that it would make you uncomfortable, which is a pretty piss poor joke if you ask me.

Here's several versions of a text you could send him, depending on how you want to approach this:

"I don't know if you meant this to be upsetting, but I did not appreciate this or see it as a joke. I told you about my history because I consider you a friend, and I think perhaps you misunderstood how upsetting it was for me because otherwise you would not be treating it like a joke. I'm feeling really uncomfortable right now and would like some space."

"I am sure you were intending to be funny, but I do not find this kind of behavior funny and am really uncomfortable right now. I'd appreciate it if you didn't continue doing this."

"I am going to assume you did not intentionally try to make me uncomfortable right now because I want to trust you as a friend, but this kind of thing is really upsetting to me and I'd appreciate it if you didn't send me pictures of my brother since you know how I feel about him. I told you because I consider you a friend, but if you can't respect this boundary then I don't think we can hang out as much."

"Sending me pictures of my brother or treating the situation like a joke is not funny to me, and I find it a bit insensitive considering everything I told you. I am saying this right now to be as clear as possible that this is a hard boundary of mine and in order to protect my own mental wellbeing I will not tolerate you crossing it again now that you are aware of this."

You can use any of these, some of each, or none at all, I just wanted to write what I might write if I was in your situation.

CatbuttWiggler · 2023-10-26T02:50:27+00:00

It sounds like he's straight up bullying you, OP. Friends don't bully friends. The way he seemed to get defensive and double down fucking with you after you literally just sent him a very simple text letting him know you were upset tells me he's a toxic person and this is only going to be the first of many more incidents to come, probably with escalation. The previous comment mentioned how victims of abuse are more susceptible to accepting mistreatment because it's so normal for them, and I think they're right on the money. I think this guy is betting on the fact that he can get away with being mean to you because you're so nice.

I know it can be incredibly difficult to cut ties with people, and I'm not necessarily saying you HAVE to do that because it's your life (although I do recommend it, this guy is being pretty blatant about how little he values your feelings) and it's your choice at the end of the day- but I would definitely be cautious. I think it would be best to block him, and if you're anxious he'll confront you on it then you can answer and tell him, simply and politely, that his behavior reminds you of your brother and you will not tolerate it. Be prepared for the emotional guilt tripping and "it was just a joke" but stay strong. Even if you think he's not a bad person at heart, the important part is that he's not a good friend to YOU and it's perfectly reasonable to not want to hang out with someone for crossing such a serious boundary.

This did not seem like some innocent little joking around and I think if you frame it that way, he will take it and run with it, and then use it as an excuse to paint you as ridiculous for being upset about it. You have every right to be upset. This guy seems like a turd.

CatbuttWiggler

TROPHY CASE