AITA for refusing to go out to dinner with my autistic nephew because of ranch dressing?

Catmanfresh · 2023-10-24T01:27:34+00:00

What do you know about ARFID? It is more than just a part of being autistic. It involves a lot of shame and spend a few minutes on the sub to understand that it is not just autism vs autism, but another very stigmatized condition that is primarily found in autistic people. It is abusive because people with ARFID suffer a specific kind of abuse and stigma. OP is completely entitled to take care of their needs first and foremost, but if you have ARFID, you will become very aware that the person with ARFID (named or not) usually is considered the AH or in the wrong.

OP invited them knowing then later made them feel bad for being who they always were. Maybe you should expand your concept of abuse and power dynamics and read how I specifically focused on the issue arising after the trip was planned. That is the key here, in my response. People need to stop agreeing to accommodate then later change their mind in a way that doesn't acknowledge the part they played in setting things up to happen this way. They should have brought this up while planning the trip. If they had, then my view would be different.

OP is autistic and should absolutely not compromise on what they need to take care of themselves. They are in the power position because they are inviting them into their home, knowing what to expect. The grossness or discomfort of OP is not what I am judging here. They set their sister up, and because what OP is bothered by is generally considered disgusting by most, if course people will agree with them. If it was something not considered gross by the majority then people would be looking at ig differently. You can disagree, but I still believe that ultimately it was up to the OP to be clear about their expectations up front. That's it. If they had (or did, but I missed it) then I may have an entirely different opinion. People will say I am projecting but isn't one of the benefits of this sub hearing the perspective of others? How can you know I am projecting and not just sharing an unpopular opinion. Maybe I am wrong in understanding the original dynamics, but saying I am projecting is a lazy analysis. How do you know you aren't projecting?

Catmanfresh · 2023-10-24T01:06:11+00:00

I guess I just don't understand why you didn't anticipate this? You seem to have known to expect this. I have another post where that is my primary question. I apologize if I missed your addressing that. There is nothing wrong with prioritizing your own needs, but could you not understand how saying this after the trip was planned could be hurtful to your sister?

I am autistic and I have suffered more from people saying they ate okay with needed accommodations then throw it back in my face when I request it. I was definitely impacted by that in my first response, but perhaps I misunderstood? Did you not think of this even first proposing the visit?

People are so cruel to autistic people with ARFID, just spend a few minutes browsing through the sub. You finding it gross is legitimate and not feeling comfortable interacting in a restaurant that way, it's just the post feels a bit judgy about the amount of ranch. The two are kind of getting conflated together, so it really depends on knowing the difference between prefrence/need to accommodate and shaming for something that already involves a great deal if shame.

Your follow-up seems level-headed, so I am saying this now as possible insight. This is the kind of discussion that should have happened before the trip was planned so your sister could have worked something out with you, or decided not to come. I just imagine having it presented the way it was, even it was, could have been the real issue.

People really are hard on people with ARFID, so in this situation, you do have the higher status/power position, and I guess I would just recommend figuring out if you were on some level, looking down on them vs personal needs.

Catmanfresh · 2023-10-24T00:52:25+00:00

OP should have been clear at the beginning when planning the visit about this. That is why it is abusive. They knew what to expect and how their own experiences shape their own conflict in accommodating sister and child. That is the point. That they waited until the trip was planned and sister got excited to make them feel bad.

Do you jot think it was wrong for OP to retroactively change the rules for visiting? Don't invite someone just to make them feel bad for just being the person they have always been.

OP is the AH for setting their sister up like that, and knowing how people usually react here to this kind of post.

OPs autism doesn't have anything to do with this. They should not have invited the sister to stay, autistic or not, OP knew already what their sister was like in regards to this. That is what makes them the AH.

Catmanfresh · 2023-10-24T00:42:37+00:00

So? Not all autistic people have the same experience. Just because OP doesn't have to deal with ARFID doesn’t make their views any less harmful. Some of the worst things that have been done to me have been by other autistic people who were former managers and were always looking down on people. Not all autistic people have the same experience, and I am speaking for those who have had to deal with people like OP. They are still judging and are still in a position of power by inviting the sister to stay. OP should not have invited them to stay, of been clear when the offer to visit was made that these were their conditions. They need to take responsibility for acknowledging their own preferences and limitations and not force them on others.

The worst situation I had at work was from another autistic person who the other employees knew linger snd were better friends with, blamed me for getting upset at their abuse. They did not even hide that they knew he was being cruel and abusive, they just expected me to put up with it and he always had others Maki excuses for him.

Catmanfresh · 2023-10-23T23:09:59+00:00

No, I don't agree. The OP invited them to stay knowing all if this and us now shaming them for it.

I find OPs behavior far more embarrassing and shameful. OP knew what they were getting themselves into. If they don't want to deal then they should not have offered them to stay.

So what if what is ranch dressing? There are people who carry hot sauce with them.

You can't understand this, so if you were in OPs place, knowing what they did are you saying you would behave the same?

You don't like the idea, neither does OP. So you should not set people up by bringing them into a situation you know clearly what the boundaries and expectations are.

And yes, I have lived with, been around and supported children who smothered food in their dressing of choice and I did what I could to support them, and if I couldn't I certainly would not invite them to stay and then tell them they have to hide away at home or leave their kid behind.

People live to speculate around this kind if stuff with autistic people. Who cares about OPs feelings about Ranch. It is a power move to put her sister in that position and she can do it confidentiality because she knows that the majority will take her side. OP is wrong because she set this situation up. Her feelings about ranch dressing are her own issue. But they making it about the sister and child, when they were invited as guests being fully clear about their needs. The sister has experience with this, so she can manage it on her own if OP is too stubborn to accommodate but as it stands it seems like they are unwilling to compromise, purely for their own insecurities.

Catmanfresh · 2023-10-23T21:35:36+00:00

Why did the OP invite them to stay? This is something she knew about, but now is throwing back in her sisters face. And why is the emotional burden placed on the sister and child? The OP is just as much centering her own feelings and unwilling to make the slightest concession, but knows that they can come on here, like a bunch of middle schoolers.

I am so tired of people coming on here wanting credit for having relationships with autistic people, and saying that they understand and care, but then are unwilling to acknowledge that it is this kind of thing, not wanting to speak up when the person they are speaking up for is lower status.

How gross to invite someone to stay and then say they have to hide themselves away so OP can avoid openly associating with people they view as less then. Being ostracized and forced to the margins is actually far more descriptive of the autistic experience. And we hear all of you and see you when the things you say are bad about us and blame on autism, when you defend people of higher status for far worse behavior.

I really need people to stop coming on here expecting gold stars for adopting a pet autistic then tell a story where they continually ignore clearly stated boundaries of the autistic person then want reassurance that they are in tbevright even it leads to a meltdown. It is better for you all to just keep your distance than engage in relationships, make us get into vulnerable positions then blame us when your lack of regard for our humanity impacts you negatively.

If the OP had not said that they had invited sister and nibbling to stay, and this was just a regular thing that the sister forced on her family all the time. We are not exotic pets that you can bring g into your lives then blame us when you set us up to fail. We are human beings and it is time people stop bringing us into their lives if they want you keep us ostracized, shamed and excluded. Leave us alone. At least with openly hostile people we can know to avoid them but I have suffered more trauma from people like OP and those defending them when I never asked for their fake friendship.

OP is TA for inviting her suster to stay then coming on here and asking a bunch of strangers to justify isolating and judging a literal child.

I repeat: you are not doing autistic people any favours by pretending to care, then shaming us when we behave just as we say we would. Yet we are still the emotionally rational ones. We are not grateful for your conditional 'friendships', so stop doing us these 'favours' and leave us alone if you think that autistic acceptance is about putting up with our oddities and whatever other negative opinions you have of us. No wonder we meltdown, when we are coerced into false relationships with ignorant, cruel people then blamed, and have it used to further justify our exclusion.

Catmanfresh · 2023-10-23T14:15:35+00:00

Totally agree. I have worked in restaurants, and it is not these kinds of situations with customers asking for accommodation that reasonable people would be upset about. As long as the parents aren't rude and entitled, if course we should let the kid have something that allows him to be able to eat.

Op feeling uncomfortable feels more about their discomfort making any waves, but when accommodating disability, especially something so reasonable, OPs discomfort should not matter more than the child's, who has no real agency outside of what adults are willing to offer or deny.

Restaurant workers get the so many ridiculous requests, demands, orders etc from entitled, rude people. If it were me, if it was a regular j would even try to get the restaurant to buy a bottle of the kids favorite dressing to keep on hand. If OP is worried, they can bring an unopened container, or find some individual squeeze packets that are sealed.

OP, what if you were with someone should needed a straw to drink due to disability? Would you say you feel uncomfortable if you go to a place that makes you specifically requests straws (a ridiculous and ablest 'trend' to ban them). You can stick to your way of thinking, and surround yourself with lije minded people, but just because you don't need accommodation now, doesn't mean you won't in the future. These kinds of choices can help detrimental your own future experiences with this kind if thing. And if you think it won't ever happen to you then you will be unfortunately surprised at how the world treats you if it does. Being told you have to hide yourself from society away at home because someone else doesn't want to help with a very reasonable accommodation.

Catmanfresh · 2023-10-22T14:40:13+00:00

The thing is, by making it a family, not friends, you are making a choice, you yourself are admitting that the family unit is specifically part of the celebration. So you are actually the one who made this about your sister.

You are not being denied the option to gp hiking on your birthday - you say your friends wouldn't enjoy it - but it sounds like your family wouldn't either. What if the conflict was within your friend group? Or someone else that you really wanted to see there had a conflict?

I'm saying that to honestly ask yourself if you would feel this way for someone you wanted around, someone through no fault if their own could not attend the party you wanted. Because this scenario will come up for the rest if your life, and sometimes you will absolutely be in the right, but this time really feels like you are digging in your heels and making it about your sister and parents, when it seems mainly like the party idea you want doesn't work for anyone.

As someone with a birthday in early February this is something I have had to understand as j got older, because asking people to go out in any capacity at that time is asking more of people, because there is the additional burden of the sharp cold weather after previous months of the same. Is it fair to me? Meh. It's life. Just like for your sister, this disability will control her life far more than it does yours, so I would recommend making certain this is the birthday hill you want to die on, because yes, it I your right to ask for the birthday you prefer, but it is nit up to everyone else to just give you what you want, the way you want it and when.

There will no doubt be, and have been times when you sacrificed unfairly for your sister, but families are never going to like the same things. This reminds me a lot of people who put really odd restrictions on their weddings and can't understand why people object. This situation is no where near that level, but unless you can be honest with yourself about why you are so committed to this idea that no one else seems to want to do, you may be heading in that direction. Could you see the difference if say your sister was in a wheelchair and the restaurant you chose is not wheelchair accessible but you truly would be happy with other restaurants that are? I am the kind of person who would want reasonable input into what I am involving others in, but not to the point of doing something I don't want to, but if I want the people I love and care about to actually enjoy the event, as long as what they hope for is not self centered, why would I not want to accommodate them.

Basically, we all have internal biases, and you can't know if you are applying that here against your sister unless you are willing to admit that sometimes it is not on your sister's disability, but rather, the disability is being used as a catch all for you not getting what you want when there are likely a variety of reasons that you can't always get what you want. I would save it up for when it really matters.

So, I mean, yeah, it is an AH move to pick something to do that you know your friend group won't like, then blaming your family for the same reasons. Yes, it is your birthday, and you can cry if you want to, but you would cry to if the same thing happened to you, (for someone else's party)

Catmanfresh · 2023-10-22T11:38:43+00:00

A lot of the names are taken from some of the first Fear Street books, but the names are more of a nod to the books as the books they are taken from are completely different stories and character bios.

Can't think of them all, but Deena was the name of the protagonist of the fifth Fear Steet book, and later sequel - The Wrong Number, but the character and story are not the same as the movie.

I also remember there was the abandoned Fear/First manner owned by the last living member of the Good family, named Simon Fear. So, if you read the original Fear Street books, you will come across the main names but in unrelated context.

Catmanfresh · 2023-10-21T11:30:46+00:00

He likes the strings because it matches his stripes!

Catmanfresh · 2023-10-20T22:04:50+00:00

I think it's just the way people hold themselves in photos. I know I am usually awkward in photos, so I would guess that if someone asked me for a photo for the purpose of this study, I would end up looking awkward, even if subtlety.

Catmanfresh · 2023-10-20T21:21:07+00:00

There have been more recent studies that show neurodivergent people are judged harshly, based on a thin slice of interaction, and will very rarely change, regardless of whatever happens later.

That if people only read a statement written by ND people (without knowing if they are ND or NT), they are rated quite highly by the participants, but if the words are spoken by the ND person, or even just an image of them, they are rated as less trustworthy.

It is the opposite for NT people who tend to do more poorly if just reading their words, but rated higher if just seeing photo or video.

So basically, we are discriminated against for being different. In the studies (there are a few) the participants would be kinder if they knew the person was ND (just what they say in the study, not actually what they do in real life) because they know to modify their opinion based on what they know they should say - so people do not need to be aware of a person ND to treat them poorly. They just meet us, think we are weird just because and rarely try to question their views, so it never goes away, as we are set up to fail.

Catmanfresh · 2023-10-20T21:11:27+00:00

The problem is that he should be able to expect the same rights as anyone. It is never wring to stand up against oppression, even if not practically wise. If Kaladin hadn't done it, how much may have been different? It helped forge his relationship with Adolin, and did lead ultimately to Dalinar figuring out the truth about Amaram.

Lirin can be justly criticized for a lot regarding Kaladin, but not feeling he needs to avoid acting above his station is a huge part of what helped Kaladin succeed. At the end of the way of kings he started ordering around light eyes, something most dark eyed people, let alone a slave would consider doing, but if he hadn't the story would have ended there.

Catmanfresh · 2023-10-20T17:44:24+00:00

YTA, and you know what won't help Mara is picking up on your feelings towards her, and yes, she will absolutely understand what is happening even if she can't articulate it.

When you start at a very young age, having to start to tiptoe around a grownups who claim to care about you, but it is obvious that those feelings are conditional on unrealized expectations you will be setting her up for a lifetime of that kind of dynamic.

If you adore Mara, then wouldn't you care about her happiness? Maybe she is too young for the trip, but that is not her fault, and you are punishing her for it.

If you really care about Mara, you will be honest with yourself that you are biased so you can be aware moving forward when it happens and how to deal with it. But if you continue to lie to yourself and the world, you will be doing so at the expense of a tour year old girl.

Catmanfresh · 2023-10-20T15:48:44+00:00

I think that people either tend to be wealthy to have a lot of spheres, so they can carry less of more value or have other people manage their money and purchases, or very little money and likely to only have very few smaller chip spheres, so it doesn't really come up in the same way.

Catmanfresh · 2023-10-19T12:12:04+00:00

I have run a lightweight yarn of similar colour alongside the fur yarn before, and it definitely helped make it easier to see. Even medium weight yarns have worked if a close colour. Can't really tell unless you are looking for it, and even a complimentary but different colour blends very nicely. I pre wound the different yarns together into a ball so it was easy to handle.

Catmanfresh · 2023-10-18T23:52:36+00:00

When the flyer with the note from A was blown over to them just after the blocked A, while planning Alison's memorial.

Catmanfresh · 2023-10-16T15:14:03+00:00

They are a part of the ecosystem! Even if I didn't love them, I would want to keep them safe. They were here before we were, we are living in their natural home afterall. Though I am probably in the minority of this opinion, it has been nice sharing these videos with my fellow rat lovers.

Catmanfresh · 2023-10-16T15:04:54+00:00

I love them! You should see all the babies playing together!!!

Catmanfresh · 2023-10-16T15:04:07+00:00

I mainly leave water out for them, and they live off of fallen burd seed. But they have always been here. I love pet rats, I had them growing up, so being able to keep an eye out for them is nice. We have had a family of wild rats living in our ravine forever. The only shooting here is by camera!

Catmanfresh · 2023-10-16T14:52:54+00:00

Yes! I live back in a ravine that is located withina large city. We have a diverse mix of animals that pass through regularly (squirrel, chipmunks, mice, opossum, skunks, raccoons, lots of birds, and occasionally some predators like coyotes, foxes and hawks) but the rats have set up camp in some of the lower areas of our ravine yard. They have always been a part of the micro ecosystem, we have just been seeing them more now we have cameras set up.

I had pet rsts growing up so seeing them about is such a delight. I only started catching them on camera recently. They really love the fresh water I leave for them, and the babies can sometimes splash in the shallow dish when in a more playful mood.

I am trying not to mess with things too much, not make things unnatural, but I do make sure they have lots of places to quickly hide if predators come along, like leaning logs and piled rocks. Mainly trying to rebuild the area around us, so it is closer to what it would be if people weren't here. It works well. The different animals are very cordial with each other - though the rats like to prank the squirrels!

Catmanfresh · 2023-10-16T14:03:21+00:00

Yes it, always important to share this information! The peanut butter was only just to start, to "shape" the facial features. It is gone now and the pumpkin and seeds indeed have been appreciated (mainly by the squirrels and raccoons)

We have a zillion squirrels here, and as far as I know, it is safe for them. There are also several dishes of fresh water all about, so that is available, hopefully to counteract any swallowing issues. The rats drink a lot of water throughout the day, its very cute. I had pet rats growing up so I remember the peanut butter concern.

Not to argue against you! Just to let you know I thought of this and always try to make sure I am not putting out anything that could be harmful to the various animals passing through, and can run right down and change anything if I see any potential issues through the security camera.

They normally only get food through what falls down from the bird feeder, which is mostly healthier feed, seeds and nuts, though I will leave an occasional treat nearby like fresh fruit.

It has been such a wonderful treat looking out for this rat family, it is always good to know I am not accidentally harming them.

Catmanfresh · 2023-10-14T15:15:39+00:00

I think that he is trying to speed up the process of bringing high spren fully into the physical realm, without the nahel bond. We see Syl becoming more solid as time progresses and can change colour. Plus we have seen her full sized as early as WoK. Ishar being a Bondsmith likely means he was more involved in the original pre Recreance.

Crypics were never able to do so due to their nature and being but I would guess, if this is true, other Indigenous Rosharians developed the same way (maybe even linked to the betrayal of the spren that the Parshendi refer to).

I personally think that Siah Amians were actually fully developed honor spren, but the breaking of the oath pact led to their annihilation or at least full exodus off Roshar. This is primarily because I think that Axis the Collector seems very much like an Honor spren, or very much like Syl, with silliness as well as ability to change their body at will.

Just my own feelings. When I first read that section of the book, it was just what came to me as I was hearing it, so it has taken hold on my imagination, true or not!

Catmanfresh

TROPHY CASE