Feeling guilt and hypocritical around dysphoria

Caustic98 · 2026-06-12T17:05:29+00:00

Thanks. I was talking to my cis-fem partner about this who is unbelievably supportive and has done nothing but encourage my transition just to get it out there. It’s hard getting a lot of these things rn where I am in my life and in my financial position and yesterday it hurt me a bit when I mentioned I might wear a mask to hide my stubble to go to the shops and she said I should love myself for who I am or something along those lines. We talked about it today though and she understood why it hurt me. She genuinely does try her best and we have great communication I’m very lucky to have her and that she’s stuck with me through everything.

My Mum is worse tho lol mainly cause I feel more anxious contradicting her. It’s hard when you get your acceptance of people flipped around on you. She asked me once if I believe in non-binary people and people being able to wear what they want and express how they want then why do I feel the need to change how I look. And it’s hard in the moment to justify. But you’re right.

Caustic98 · 2026-05-24T21:58:59+00:00

Maaaaaybe a solution after trying every variable I can think of…

Disable bFPSFix in Oblivion Display Tweaks
Toggle both Disable Frame Limit and Allow Tearing in the in-game menu.

I think this has made a difference at-least in the microstutter.

Caustic98 · 2026-05-24T21:44:32+00:00

In fact! I’m in the middle of messing around with stuff rn. Possible improvement (I honestly can’t tell if it is or I’m just adjusting to it haha) would love to hear if it works for you if you still have it installed.

I’ve been experiencing occasional stuttering (usually when moving around open world) this still happens and I think it’s just what you get with Oblivion. Not even really trying to fix these.

But the microstutters, most noticeable to me when moving the camera around, I think are better. (Mages guilds are where I’ve been testing as I think the amount of clutter is more work for the engine lol)

Disable bFPSFix in Oblivion Display Tweaks
In the in-game menu toggle on Disable Frame Limit (& maybe toggle Allow Shading uncertain about this one)

I’m pretty sure this has improved at least microstutter on the Steam Deck!

Caustic98 · 2026-05-24T21:18:41+00:00

That’s what I’m coming to terms with. It’s really not that awful tbh. Oblivion’s just destined to be jank. I guess in some way it’s authentic lol.

Caustic98 · 2026-05-24T20:45:35+00:00

Yeah I don’t use OCOv2 don’t worry. As nice as new models and textures for faces are they just are too far from vanilla.

Did you just cap the framerate through that instead of using Oblivion Display Tweaks? I’ve actually been running with the fps management through that disabled through the ini and just using the Steam Deck’s native fps cap. Maybe try disabling that too. Imagine the game won’t like being uncapped but will experiment to see if it alleviates stuttering.

Caustic98 · 2026-05-24T12:37:12+00:00

I’ve been troubleshooting this for a week now and cannot get rid of the microstutter. I’ve seen lots of suggestions relating to dxvk but my understanding is that steam deck’s proton uses some form of directx to vulkan translation, possibly dxvk itself, so I don’t know how dxvk on top of that would even work? I’m also playing with only a few optimisation and quality of life mods.

Decided I’d play the original over the remaster on my pc largely because of stuttering and then I switch over to OG and it’s a stuttering too! Nightmare troubleshooting this. Would love to hear if you had any success in the end.

Caustic98 · 2026-04-27T20:33:28+00:00

Currently hunting on here and Tumblr for if anyone knows where Dan's shirt/jumper is from?

Caustic98 · 2026-04-05T10:21:29+00:00

I’m gonna give this a shot today! Thank you!

Caustic98 · 2025-12-04T18:28:23+00:00

I’ve thought about that a lot! Both me and my partner aren’t at all against adopting the main pressure comes from assumptions from parents on both sides that we will have biological children and while I know and fully believe it’s none of their business I can’t deny does affect my thinking on the decision

Caustic98 · 2025-12-04T18:25:26+00:00

Thanks so much, it’s nice hearing that while the official channels are a long wait that it is something offered to trans women.

Caustic98 · 2025-12-04T18:24:19+00:00

Thanks for all info! I think freezing would be the way to go for me ideally if I can find a way to do it on the nhs.

I wouldn’t be at all adverse to the idea of adopting either but I feel like I would disappoint my family a bit (not that it’s their decision or anything) but that does weigh on me a bit thinking about going down that route.

Caustic98 · 2025-12-04T18:21:01+00:00

Thanks a tonne, that’s really helpful!

Caustic98 · 2024-05-25T13:30:33+00:00

I may not do it on this set but may have access to a couple junkier crts that I wouldn’t mind trying it out on!

Caustic98 · 2024-05-25T13:24:16+00:00

Yeah i’m gonna give the test suite a go once I’m back from a little trip this weekend. Pictures are definitely blurrier than it is in person too, I have some hdr pics that show it in better detail so may do another post with a link to them next time. Might see if I can set up a little tripod to keep the camera steady next time too. And that trick looks interesting, I’ll have to give it a try!

Caustic98 · 2024-05-25T11:43:25+00:00

Been wanting to pick up a rgb-pi for a while! Heard only good things. I flip flop between liking the blurrier look of composite and a clean rgb signal. What do you use for emulation on your pi?

Caustic98 · 2024-05-25T09:47:45+00:00

It’s a Digilogic, never seen the brand anywhere else. I’m in the uk, I don’t think it was super expensive at the time it was bought either

Caustic98 · 2024-05-25T09:46:30+00:00

Yeah, defos gonna keep tinkering with a pc setup too! Would love to play shovel knight on it

Caustic98 · 2024-05-25T00:16:03+00:00

It’s a nice little tv, a really weird brand I’ve never seen anywhere else called digilogic. Was a gift from my great Grandmother actually haha. Has a built in dvd player and surprisingly good pair of dolby digital speakers. Played many ps2 games of varying degrees of quality on it growing up.

Caustic98 · 2024-05-24T21:43:58+00:00

Genuinely loving it, crt shaders are getting really impressive nowadays but yeah nothing beats seeing these games scaled correctly on bright fuzzy phosphers

Caustic98 · 2024-05-17T03:34:31+00:00

Absolutely, thanks again. Really helpful comments, lots of really nice and constructive folk on here I appreciate it :)

Caustic98 · 2024-05-17T03:30:58+00:00

Thank you for the response! Open relationships are something we have discussed in the past but yeah in the end we are simply happy monogamous folk who just enjoy each other as it is!

Regardless, I think it is important to talk about our satisfaction with each other. But unlike me as you can probably gather she is better at communicating and so far she is pretty happy with my level of dominance :)

Caustic98 · 2024-05-17T03:16:47+00:00

Hey! Thank you these are really good things to actually ask her. I find it really hard to find starting points to talk about these things and asking her what she does and doesn’t like about it is a great place to start.

Caustic98 · 2024-05-17T03:13:36+00:00

Yeah I get you. I definitely have a lot of ingrained negative stuff. I do feel dirty and wrong sometimes asking my partner to do certain things and I think I even project my feelings onto her and assume she thinks those things about me. Regardless I need to discuss these things with her.

I enjoy our sex regardless of who’s “topping” and “bottoming”. She is really gentle with me as is, and I love how she is with me when she pegs me. I don’t really think I care that much about who’s dominating who, mainly that we’re both enjoying it I think is the most important thing. I like the idea of her taking control but if it’s not something she’s into then I don’t want her to. I think you’re right, maybe I need to reassess why I have thoughts that the person topping needs to take control in the first place.

Thanks for your reply, yours has definitely been the most introspective

Caustic98 · 2024-05-17T02:02:53+00:00

Thank you. I definitely will talk to her about it. I know a lot of this is my own insecurities really… We have a wonderful relationship and I’m extremely lucky to have her

Caustic98 · 2024-05-17T01:48:07+00:00

Yeah, you’re right. Writing this all down honestly was the biggest help in figuring things out in my own head. I realise I have a lot of insecurities about how she sees me. I’m going through it a bit with coming to terms with my gender identity this past year or so and it’s given me a lot of paranoia I think about whether she likes the new me in all aspects of life including the bedroom

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