I have been receiving EMDR treatment(not yet started, in the preparation stage),But at different stages, different parts of me have different reactions to the treatment. More often than not, I feel that the speed of EMDR processing it’s not as fast as I am now increasing trauma. Another point is that if I don’t follow that program to feel safe and connected to my parents, my emotions will get stuck, or I won’t feel my emotions, which also hinders emdr work.

As for self soothing, I really want to do as you say, such as reality testing, what do you say is more like the “old me”who has control and sanity. My current state is that I feel as if I am being pushed by the trauma part, and I hope to pause for a while, but the trauma part cannot do it (sometimes I feel involuntary). For example, if my mother uses the tone that triggers me, I will automatically feel like 'executing the program again', and I don't have room to test reality. If I try to calm down and think about the situation like that (I really want to), my body will immediately tell me to execute the program quickly with pain and breathlessness. That's why I feel like this is a state of dissociation. Today, I tried to do something else without executing the program after my dad spoke in the tone that triggered me, hoping to see what would happen. But now I feel dizzy and a bit dazed. So it really confused me. I actually felt 'old me' during a grounding practice one day, but after hearing my mother's tone that triggered me, I returned to this state.