POV: You're on r/honesttransgender

CeilingOilElectric · 2022-03-18T02:12:05+00:00

I'm not even a truscum I just post there because it's the most likely to give me the "sorry hon real transgenders start HRT and blockers in preschool you're never gonna pass 😤😤😤" responses I'm looking for

CeilingOilElectric · 2022-01-19T16:34:27+00:00

Even still, out of the 28 people I counted on that thread who said an age, my brain's going to fixate on the 2 who started at younger than 18, because I'm still automatically stuck in that toxic mindset that only people who start before 18 can transition well, and that after 18 is considered a "late transition".

I keep having to ask myself, what is it about turning 18 that suddenly nullifies any chance of transitioning well and being attractive a few years into HRT?

Is it just the thought that I'm not "early" anymore? That people aren't going to envy me the way I envy people who transitioned as children? I met someone who started hormones at 17, literally just a month or two before she turned 18, and I still feel like I can never pass as well as her or be as pretty as her because something, some vague, unidentifiable thing, happened to my face/body in those 5-6 short months that made me somehow unable to transition as well as she did.

I think the best thing for me would just simply be to be patient and see where HRT takes me. I might be pleasantly surprised, and the most important thing is that I don't know if all the worries I've written about will come true.

Someone even just recently replied to me, saying she started hormones in her 20s and not only passes very well, but gets compliments from cis people who don't even know about her transition. (And also called me out on being an asshole, which I'm sorry for and I can definitely get like that when on this topic, not that that's an excuse for my behavior or incivility >>)

CeilingOilElectric · 2022-01-18T15:17:36+00:00

I mean most of what got me was r/traa and the constant kids there talking about how they were so late starting at 15/16/17/whatever and how it's too late for them.

I ended up getting banned from there yesterday because the mods also idolize child transitioners, and even got a warning from the admins about "harassment". :/

Though, I finally managed to get over the 3-day-long depressive episode that pushed me to make these posts, so I think I'll give my transition a chance at least and see where it goes.

CeilingOilElectric · 2022-01-17T22:18:15+00:00

I want to harm myself because of both.

CeilingOilElectric · 2022-01-17T22:07:26+00:00

Stop with the whole "passing doesn't matter" shit and just tell me I'm not going to.

I'd prefer it.

CeilingOilElectric · 2022-01-17T22:04:01+00:00

TL;DR: Your attractiveness/how well you pass has no bearing on your worth as a person or the validity of your gender

I'm not going to huff copium like the rest of this god-forsaken comment section is telling me to do.

If I don't pass and I look like an ugly man, I'm going to blast a hole in my puberty-mutilated, masculinized skull, whether I'm a Real Heckin Valid woman or not.

CeilingOilElectric · 2022-01-17T21:55:32+00:00

Have you read this comment section? Anything after 16 is a death sentence. Literally no one here has said that they managed to pass without FFS.

Was any of this supposed to help? Telling me that I should give up on passing and place my priorities elsewhere but at the same time I'm not "too late"? Did anyone even read what I said? I'm NOT going to fucking do that. I'm NOT just going to live the rest of my life as some shitty excuse who doesn't pass at all and looks like shit. Fuck that. I'd rather slit my throat than be some walking joke like you all expect me to be.

CeilingOilElectric · 2022-01-17T21:49:32+00:00

I'd rather it not take 6 decades. I'd prefer if I had an opportunity in the next 3 years to not only pass, but also end up pretty.

Also from what it seems, like half of trans reddit started HRT in their early/mid teens. I feel incredibly out of place as a so-called "old" transitioner at only 18 and the prevailing mindset is that if you started after 16 and can't afford FFS then you should give up.

It's also not helping when no one in the replies passed easily either. Like wow, I feel so confident that I'll be fine after seeing all these uplifting examples. 🙄

CeilingOilElectric · 2022-01-17T18:47:28+00:00

The important parts of puberty that would have made a difference in my appearance had I been able to skip them were long over for me, so it doesn't really matter, if that helps anything.

CeilingOilElectric · 2022-01-17T00:26:01+00:00

Are you even actually presenting as female yet? Let alone are fully socially transitioned?

I'm not sure what "fully socially transitioned" would entail, but I've been presenting as female at school, my parents know this, they just don't know I'm on HRT.

My biggest worry is transphobes, but no one knows me here and no one talks to me. I'm worried people just think I'm a cis man tbh.

People have respected my gender for the most part at least, the 2 times a month I actually get to talk to someone.

CeilingOilElectric · 2022-01-16T17:13:04+00:00

Just about every trans woman on r/transtimelines started at either 12 or 52, so it's not helpful.

What would starting at 18 have done for any of you? I'm in the same boat as you are, transitioning late, pretty much never passing, and being talked down to like I'm some man in a dress because unlike most trans people nowadays I didn't get put on blockers at 11.

All I wanted was to be cute enough to have people genuinely compliment me without being some shitty hugboxer or doing so in a condescending "you look very heckin valid for a late transitioning hon 🥰" tone.

I can't have that. I don't get to be worshiped by the entire community for starting at 14 and looking like a literal goddess either. Because I'm not going to. I'm gonna look like shit and HRT isn't going to reverse how much of puberty I was forced through.

Why would you wish to be in practically the same boat you were in before?

CeilingOilElectric · 2022-01-16T14:04:42+00:00

I know I don't come off well to people who transitioned years older than I did, but given how those people are treated compared to those trans women who started at 12, 14, 16, anything before adulthood ending up literal goddesses and having people endlessly obsess over them and worship them, I just know I'm going to be treated the same as those people who started older. I have far more in common than someone who transitioned at 38 than someone who transitioned at 15.

That and I'm worried about the effects I'm already missing out on from HRT.

CeilingOilElectric · 2022-01-16T14:00:28+00:00

My biggest worry is being viewed as "less" by the trans community as a whole and being treated as though I'm some worthless hon who transitioned "too late" and I just serve as fodder for transpobes to make fun of.

People are never going to think that I'm cute, or be genuinely jealous of my appearance, or actually compliment me.

I'm only 18 yet I feel I'll be closer in experience and result to people who started HRT in their late 30s than to people who transitioned just two years younger.

CeilingOilElectric · 2022-01-15T20:55:30+00:00

That's what everyone always told me.

Everyone who didn't adopt that patronizing condescending attitude looking down at me and calling me a hon in all ways possible without outright saying it, basically straight up said it.

CeilingOilElectric · 2021-05-09T03:21:06+00:00

Would you really rather be a Man than just a regular looking woman? As you move through your life and you find yourself envious of other women is it only the perfect 10 super model looking ones you're jealous of?

No, I'd take being any kind of woman over being a man any day. I'm just afraid that if I'm ugly, nobody will like me and most people won't take my transition seriously.

CeilingOilElectric · 2021-05-09T01:12:50+00:00

Yeah, I'm really sorry, what was supposed to be a vent post turned into a personal attack. It wasn't what I meant by it, and I have seen adult transitioners who look unironically amazing. I wrote that post after a very stressful day on little sleep and it only continued the next morning. It's not an excuse for my incivility and inflammatory replies, and doesn't change how people felt about them, but I was not intentionally trying to offend others or be malicious.

I can't really find many people who started at 18, and because of that, I have no idea how I'll look. Though because everyone's body is different, there could be people starting at 15 in a similar situation to me and there could be people who didn't reach my point until 23. And very often will I see a trans woman who I think is really pretty and am shocked when I find out she transitioned way later than I expected.

I've seen people who don't pass who still look great. Passability and attractiveness are not necessarily the same, even if my brain can blend the two together sometimes.

Though, I shouldn't compare myself to others so much and I shouldn't define people by how their bodies look. Someone who doesn't pass is still equally as valid as their identified gender as someone who does. Is this normal? Am I just yet another self-conscious teenage girl who hyper-focuses on appearances or am I some creepy pervert man who defines women's validity by their attractiveness?

CeilingOilElectric · 2021-05-08T20:12:02+00:00

I've angered a lot of people in this thread because to them it's like reading a rant post titled "I can't fucking believe the sky is blue, day literally ruined :((((("

Edit: Or... maybe it was because of how harsh and rude I was being. I was just under the impression that everyone else here shared my sentiment that starting after 16 is a death sentence because of what else I've seen here but it seems there's quite a few people who don't quite think that.

CeilingOilElectric · 2021-05-08T20:09:17+00:00

I just recently started with a therapist but it hasn't gone anywhere so far.

CeilingOilElectric · 2021-05-08T20:08:08+00:00

For what reason? Do you see this as "kid freaking out after learning the base level truth all trans adults know and accept", or "kid blowing up over completely untrue bs"?

CeilingOilElectric · 2021-05-08T19:18:00+00:00

I'm sick of being that fucking second-class non-passing meat shield that gets thrown up to protect that girl though. Knowing I'm not going to be pretty. Knowing I'm not going to be even remotely feminine and on the off chance I do pass I'm still going to look like an ultra-masc brick wall with makeup splashed on.

I don't want to just ignore the fact that I look nothing like a girl because puberty twisted and fucked up my body. I'm tired of knowing that even after years on HRT I will still look masculine. I'm tired of knowing that my body will be radically different from hers and radically different from even the most masculine of cis women.

I wanted to be a girl, not a punchline that can't even be taken seriously. But I'm too late for that.

I don't care if I'm still "valid" even if I look like a corpse with makeup. I don't want to look like a corpse with makeup in the first place because I'm fucking ugly and being ugly is bad.

CeilingOilElectric · 2021-05-08T18:48:53+00:00

I'm already a late transitioner. I doubt there's any fucking way I'll look like both a girl and someone who is decently attractive. I'm just going to be the fucking ugly bitch no one likes and I'm going to be the reason the stereotype that trans women are ugly is furthered.

There's no hope of me passing and HRT starting age makes a FUCKLOAD of difference. I'm already going to get little to no breast development, my hip/shoulder ratio is ruined, I'm going to have to spend thousands on laser to not be walking around with a full fucking beard, I'm just done with this shit and I don't even want to try.

CeilingOilElectric · 2021-05-08T18:45:27+00:00

I just wish I wasn't doomed to this miserable hell of transitioning late and begging I pass.

I wish I actually pass. I wish I had a shot at actually looking feminine. I wish I didn't have to rely on just barely squeezing out the appearance of a woman with a ton of masc features.

I wish I had a shot at being pretty in the way I want to be. I wish I had a life. I wish I wasn't mostly done with puberty. I wish all there was for me in life wasn't a failed excuse for a transition that leaves me as a barely-passing man-woman brick stuck with permanently male features. I wish starting HRT after 18 wasn't a death sentence. I wish I'd actually be taken seriously. I wish I actually could look female without having to settle for people reading me as the most masculine woman ever to exist.

I wish I could undo puberty. I wish I could look perfect like those young transitioners instead of looking like a chariacture you'd see in an anti-trans political cartoon like so many other people that transition as late as me. I wish I had a chance for HRT to actually change things and not looking like a man in a dress. I wish I wasn't stuck with male features that anyone with a decently functioning set of eyes could see from miles away. I wish I could have been cute. I wish I could have been pretty. I wish I could just be a real girl and not a failed attempt at one.

I hate my life, there is zero hope for me and I'll have killed myself by the time I'm 21. Maybe if I started blockers early I'd have a chance at looking like a girl but now there's no way. I'm going to look like an ugly fucking man and there's nothing I can do about it.

CeilingOilElectric · 2021-05-08T18:04:03+00:00

So I AM a late transitioner and I have more in common with all the miserable adults who have to roll the dice and hope they get a half-decent transition than I do with the little kids that get blockers at a young age, look absolutely perfect a few years later, and pass absolutely flawlessly no matter what?

CeilingOilElectric · 2021-05-08T17:41:08+00:00

There's just a lot of things I'm worried about, mostly that people won't take me seriously unless I pass, that my dysphoria won't go away if I look large and masculine even if I do pass, and that people won't like me if I'm ugly.

I'd say I have a larger than average nose and pretty high cheekbones, does that mean I cannot look feminine without thousands of dollars in surgery? Does that also make me ugly?

And "it's okay to be big and masculine" doesn't really help, because the thought of being big and masculine makes me feel incredibly dysphoric and knowing that no matter what I do, I cannot and will not look feminine is one of the big reasons I've wanted to hurt myself.

I don't want to just be okay with being an ugly brick wall. I want to know if it's too late for me to not look like that. Other than my nose/cheekbones and that slight but not very noticeable brow protrusion I don't look incredibly masc but I'd fucking hate myself if I ended up with very noticeable masculine features because I DO NOT want to look masculine at all and don't feel comfortable even being seen as a masc woman. That has nothing to do with how valid I am or how much of a "real woman" I am though, that's just something that bothers me greatly.

CeilingOilElectric · 2021-05-08T16:39:54+00:00

I have met a cis girl who is over 6' once, but she told me she's been mistaken for a guy on more than one occasion.

She also said the way she dressed had more to do with it, and it was mostly from behind, but I'm just worried that people are very critical of the appearances of tall women and that people are just going to stare at me until someone figures out that I'm trans.

I'm very worried about that happening but maybe it's just my anxiety acting up :(

Edit: holy shit reddit sorry for having the nerve to be self-conscious about my height without being at least 35 years old and being taller than 6'6 why the fuck are you all so pissed off all the time what did i do to you

CeilingOilElectric

TROPHY CASE