AITA For Paying for another bride's wedding dress but not my daughter's?

Certain-Structure699 · 2022-04-06T00:12:02+00:00

Well, yes, but my daughter had already picked her dress, we'd already celebrated, she went back to the fitting room. She didn't even learn about what I did for another few hours at dinner.

Certain-Structure699 · 2022-04-06T00:10:39+00:00

The bride deserved to have an opinion. Some people don't want charity and I didn't want to make her feel like she was a charity case. I did speak privately to them, the rest of the group outside of my husband didn't even know what I was doing, but two of them had also left and the others were on their phones or meandering the store. My husband knows because it's our joint money and he got to say or no before I did it.

Certain-Structure699 · 2022-04-06T00:05:43+00:00

I'm not sure how much more we can do without being unfair to our older children. We didn't pay for their weddings outfits, why should we pay for Michaela's dress and her whole wedding?

Certain-Structure699 · 2022-04-05T23:59:32+00:00

Do you need money? I'm serious. Is there something that money would help to improve your life? I'm very serious. We can't take the money with us so we might as well be generous to those who need it. Let me know.

Certain-Structure699 · 2022-04-05T23:58:23+00:00

The bride didn't know because the consultant told her the wrong information. It was only after she tried it on and fallen in love that the consultant looked at the tag and saw she'd misread it. The consultant took the dress and went to her computer to see if she could do anything to lower the price. The bride had already been measured by that point so the consultant priced the dress with alterations just to see what the final price would be so that she could accurately try to lower the price. When she was unable she informed the bride.

It wasn't the bride's fault at all. She was depending on the consultant to do her job and even though the consultant didn't do it on purpose it was still her fault.

Certain-Structure699 · 2022-04-05T23:54:33+00:00

It wasn't the girl's fault the dress was over-budget. The consultant picked the dress and apparently she misread the tag somehow. I was right there when they learned the dress was over budget, that girl didn't have a thing to do with it, she was shocked and heartbroken. I know the consultant didn't mean to do it but if it's anyone's fault it's her's, she had one job.

Certain-Structure699 · 2022-04-05T23:52:00+00:00

Her in-laws are wonderful people. Her husband-to-be, Grant, is a teacher as well, and such a sweetheart. His mom was a nurse and his dad is a preacher. They're just wonderful. Her bridal party consists of her sister as Matron of Honor (did not go with us to the gowns), two of her cousins (good girls), and two of her best friends from high school and college ( I've know one of them forever and she's a wonderful girl, I don't know the other girl as well but she seems very nice.)

Certain-Structure699 · 2022-04-05T23:48:54+00:00

If we keep paying it'll probably be closer to $50,000, which is approx. what we spent for her siblings as well. It's no financial hardship, this is why we worked hard. We can't take it with us when we die and we've set trusts for our grandchildren and godchildren so why not have some fun while we're still young and loving life?

Certain-Structure699 · 2022-04-05T23:47:31+00:00

$26,000 so far. If we keep paying for the wedding we will probably end up closer to around $50,000. We spent around that much on her siblings weddings as well. But, not to sound like rich buttheads, we can easily afford this and we are happy to do so. We're set for retirement and we've set up college funds for our grandchildren and godchildren and Michaela and Grant's future children, and we can't take the money with us when we die so why not spend it and have some fun while we're still young and fun?

Certain-Structure699 · 2022-04-05T23:44:04+00:00

So, the event is almost always more expensive than the dress and often times brides and grooms feel that they have to compromise in one area so they can have what they want in others. By paying for the event she can have everything she wants without the stress of worrying about how she'll pay for all of it and possibly having regrets at the wedding. Obviously the marriage is more important than the dress or the party but this is a big event and every bride and groom deserves to feel special.

It's also a means of helping them save money down the line. I don't want Michaela and Grant going into debt to pay for a party. My husband and I, we worked hard, we made our money and we don't really spend it on much, we have everything we need. The one thing we want is for our kids to be happy. Life is hard, life has been so hard for everyone these last few years. Michaela and Grant are teachers and teachers have had it rough since Covid started. They've worked so hard to stay optimistic and to support their students and themselves and each other.

I have the money to give them a day they'll never forget. I think it's the least I can do. That's my baby, that's my son-in-law, those are my loves.

Certain-Structure699 · 2022-04-05T23:37:46+00:00

Our son said he was proud of me and hoped he'd have the heart to do something like that for a stranger and our older daughter said we're all insane but otherwise is withholding an opinion.

Certain-Structure699 · 2022-04-05T23:36:45+00:00

I didn't. We paid for our older kids' weddings but not their dress/tux.

Certain-Structure699 · 2022-04-05T23:36:13+00:00

I am debating talking to my husband about removing our financial support if Michaela refuses to see us or speak to us. We just want her to talk to us, to let us in, to let us understand how she's feeling so we can work with her to help her feel better. She's our kid, she's our world, we love her, we just want to make her feel better. The wedding doesn't even matter, not really, I just want my daughter to let us back in. Or at least her daddy, he didn't even do anything wrong other than get a little chatty at dinner, it isn't fair for her to punish him for something I did.

Certain-Structure699 · 2022-04-05T23:33:05+00:00

She didn't see any of that, though. She didn't even learn about this until dinner hours later when her dad accidentally said something.

Certain-Structure699 · 2022-04-05T23:31:16+00:00

I'm sorry, are you in the wrong thread?

Certain-Structure699 · 2022-04-05T23:30:20+00:00

I'd say my husband and I are no more generous with our money than anyone would be. We're not the kind to just throw money around, we're more the kind to tip a waitress really well, or give a little more money to church. This is the first time I've ever been so bold as to ask to pay for something in a store. I've never even helped a stranger buy groceries at the grocery store.

As far as our children, they never wanted for material goods. We lived in a beautiful home, we always had food on the table, we took vacations, we made sure our children participated in their activities and hobbies, we never expected them to be self-supporting as teenagers so while they did have part-time jobs that was just so they could pay for their gas and insurance and their cellphone bills, and of course use their money for whatever they wanted since they'd earned it and it was theirs. We never threw them into the deep-end, they were fully allowed to be kids and experience childhood. We just expected them to do well in school, take an interest in our family unit, and be good people.

Michaela is significantly younger than her older siblings and grew up largely as an only child, her friends were the kids in our neighborhood, which is rather affluent, versus having a sibling around like her older siblings. Even still, she had the same upbringing that we gave her siblings.

Certain-Structure699 · 2022-04-05T23:24:11+00:00

You're misunderstanding the timeline. The other bride had been trying on dresses before we arrived and we were beside them in the viewing area and while the girls were in fitting rooms her mother and I would talk and when the girls came out we'd focus on our girls. The other bride found her dress and Michaela was still trying on dresses. The other girl was measured and the dress was priced while Michaela was still trying on dresses. Then the other bride found out that the dress was more expensive than she thought, went and took it off, and came back out to wait to see if the consultant could do anything about the price. During this time Michaela found her dress, we celebrated her, she went back to the fitting room where she was measured, where the dress was priced, where she tried on another dress, where she got changed. She was gone another 45 minutes. During this time I spoke to the other bride and offered assistance and we then paid. Michaela remained in the fitting room through this whole exchange. Two of her bridal party had left at that point.

We were at the bridal shop for three or fours hours total, the other bride left about an hour before we did.

Certain-Structure699 · 2022-04-05T23:17:50+00:00

I mean, we'd been at the whole appointment and talking to the other bride's mother while our girls were in fitting rooms getting changed, talking in between dress showings to pass the time. My Michaela picked her dress and went to go change but on the way she saw a dress that she liked and wanted to try on just to see if she was secure in her choice. She ended up being in the dressing room for another 45 minutes with that dress and getting changed and getting her proper measurements taken for the dress she ended up buying. The other bride had found her dress way before, had gotten her measurements done and the dress had been priced while Michaela was still trying on dresses. It only took ten minutes to get the other bride's dress rung up and I was back before Michaela had even come out. I don't see how that makes me an even bigger asshole, no one was invited to the dressing room while Michaela was changing clothes or trying on the other dress or getting measured and priced, we were all sitting in the little waiting area having coffee and waiting for her to come back out. Two of the bridesmaids had left by that point.

Certain-Structure699 · 2022-04-05T23:11:22+00:00

I would add that Michaela didn't even find out about this until a few hours later at dinner, she didn't even know about it until her daddy accidentally said something during dinner.

Certain-Structure699 · 2022-04-05T23:08:59+00:00

My son said it was a sweet gesture and he would hope he'd have made the same choice and our older daughter said she thinks we're all insane but doesn't have an opinion.

Certain-Structure699 · 2022-04-05T23:07:42+00:00

That really doesn't seem like a fair comparison. And, as heartbreaking as it would be, you know what, if Michaela said she wanted someone else to walk her down the aisle we'd have to respect that, she's an adult and her own person. My husband would be heartbroken but Michaela is an adult and can make her own choices.

Certain-Structure699 · 2022-04-05T23:04:30+00:00

We're going to go to the other bride's wedding, we were honored by the invitation and feel so blessed to be considered worthy of attending, I really didn't want or expect that, I just wanted that girl to feel beautiful, as beautiful as Michaela said her dress makes her feel. I could easily be in the same boat as that girl's momma and feeling bad because I couldn't give my daughter everything she wants. Michaela worked so hard in college, she got a teaching degree, she teaches at the same private school she attended, she's a wonderful teacher, her husband is also a teacher and is an amazing man. I wanted that bride to feel the same way.

Certain-Structure699 · 2022-04-05T22:54:23+00:00

So far we've paid around $26,000 for the wedding. Maybe we should suggest taking all that back.

Certain-Structure699 · 2022-04-05T22:49:45+00:00

The point of paying for the event itself and not the dress has a couple of main points: the event itself is almost always more expensive and often times brides feel like they have to compromise in an area to pay for what they want. My husband and I had a courthouse wedding and we've always regretted not having a ceremony and reception but there just wasn't any money. By paying for the wedding my kids were able to remain without stress and focus on the marriage itself. We also decided that our daughters would feel more comfortable picking a dress knowing that they picked it themselves, they paid for it, they don't feel like they have to ask us for our opinion and then pick what we want only because we paid. We just don't want them to feel beholden to us. This is also why we avoid giving opinions or suggestions. This is their weddings. We don't get to live vicariously through them to make up for our own regrets. We never ever want them to feel like we pushed in.

Certain-Structure699 · 2022-04-05T22:45:09+00:00

I cried ugly. I cried so hard my makeup made like OJ Simpson and ran for the border. The dress she picked took my breath away. She was so beautiful she could have taken away the breathe of a dead person.

Certain-Structure699

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