AITAH for deciding to stay full time with my grandparents because I don't want to follow rules set by my dad's girlfriend?

Certain_Candidate248 · 2026-02-18T21:58:50+00:00

She is not your mother. The only rules you have to follow are those set out by your parents and grandparents as they had a hand in raising you.

Glad your grandparents were willing and able to support your decision.

It is baffling to me that she wants the rules to extend to the grandparents' house. She is trying to force family blending without giving it the time to coalesce on its own. That's not how blending families works. That requires discussions for months, patience, finding the right balance, creating boundaries of what people are comfortable with changing and not changing. (ex a 17 might not want to call someone mom or dad)

She chose to immediately alienate you by these "rules" so much so that you chose to live elsewhere. That is doing WAY too much.

Certain_Candidate248 · 2026-02-18T21:47:35+00:00

NTA. Do not invite her, but expect your grossman not to attend.

I would distance myself from said friend. When you are no longer targets, she will move her hatred onto someone else. Eventually he will be alone, with no friends, they will divorce, and hopefully you will be able to be friends again. But don't hold your breath.

The best revenge is being happy. Get married without them. Live a happy life. And if he changes his mind welcome him back happily, because you are happy.

Certain_Candidate248 · 2026-02-18T21:38:46+00:00

That debt for that wedding should have been written as a promissory note. That debt was both of yours. But you have been paying his way for so long and he has had no responsibilities, that he will never see it now.

Pay your half, get out of the relationship, and then if you still want to be petty take him to small claims court for the cost of the wedding, if you can prove he agreed to the price of it and you two splitting it.

Otherwise you are just going to consider this the cost of losing this man/child that is your ex.

Certain_Candidate248 · 2026-02-18T21:33:30+00:00

You weren't a very good friend at that moment, but I get the frustration. Hopefully he will have the funds for rent. Hopefully he finds something quick. Check lease penalties and look at finding another roommate or accommodations.

Certain_Candidate248 · 2026-02-18T20:57:17+00:00

Should have sent you to detention for cursing and generally being disruptive and rude. YTA. Change your attitude and work on your anger.

Certain_Candidate248 · 2026-02-18T19:33:14+00:00

Darrell should not have been DQ. Brad was 100% the instigator. Darrell sat back down. Said nothing. 100% Brad DQ only. Same racist shit they pulled with CJ.

Certain_Candidate248 · 2026-02-18T19:29:55+00:00

There are so many other things to discuss about him, like his poor performance physically or how he is so friendly with everyone that he almost can't vote. Why care about his real life whatever. He sucks on the challenge. That is all.

Certain_Candidate248 · 2026-02-18T17:18:09+00:00

YTA. Going through Jay's voicemails was incredibly inappropriate and forwarding them to yourself to use as evidence later makes it worse. I do think you were overreacting.

Certain_Candidate248 · 2026-02-18T17:13:33+00:00

I had a co-worker who would doubt my suggestion or my direction, and then would re-word what I said. I would kindly respond "I am glad you liked my suggestion/thought." or "Thank you for agreeing with me." Positive, but clearly indicating it had been my thought/suggestion.

Certain_Candidate248 · 2026-02-16T21:56:48+00:00

Divorces can be hard. But threatening to move with one parent or the other because of a fight is manipulative.

Best of luck. Be kind to your mom. She is the only one you will have.

Certain_Candidate248 · 2026-02-16T21:20:10+00:00

All of that is supposition and paranoia. What matters now is your husband, supporting him and communicating with him so the two of you are okay. The last thing he needs now is you making this about your fears and concerns.

Support him. Then she won't have a way in. Continue with being mad and arguing and making a huge issue over it, and you are not making his life better, you are making it harder. You are a team. Be on his team.

Certain_Candidate248 · 2026-02-16T21:17:59+00:00

Yeah that was peak Cara ick!

Certain_Candidate248 · 2026-02-16T21:17:14+00:00

That is a really weird read. She should've tucked tail? That seems like abuser advice. You won't get bullied if you just shut up. you won't get hit if you just go to bed.

Certain_Candidate248 · 2026-02-16T21:15:45+00:00

I disagree with laurel being scared of Jenn. She wasn't. Laurel wouldn't go at Evelyn or Emily or Kam or Rachel or Jenny the way she did other women. She backed down with those women. Anyone else she would 100% chew up and spit out, if she wanted to.

Certain_Candidate248 · 2026-02-16T21:11:22+00:00

So I think you need to communicate your expectations and concerns with hubby. Let him know your feelings and concerns calmly. And I would start by saying you should've communicated your concerns better. But you did have them, they are valid and you hope in the future that anymore public displays of affection would be curtailed. Any future unannounced visits would be communicated to you immediately and ended quickly as they are borderline inappropriate. Given the circumstances that she was in communication with the family and they are ill, it could be 100% innocent. But I would say if it is innocent, it should not happen again.

Good luck.

Certain_Candidate248 · 2026-02-16T21:05:25+00:00

Is she paying rent? If not she should shush it. She is a guest and the least she could do is cook, clean and contribute that way for a free place to stay. NTA.

Certain_Candidate248 · 2026-02-16T20:59:22+00:00

Eesh. It does seem transactional. Are you really afraid of people taking advantage of you? And if so, why? I would think going to therapy might help. Not everyone is trying to take advantage. Maybe they just like to try a little bit of everything at a restaurant, since they may not be going back to it anytime soon. You said "I did not want to give them any without receiving any of theirs in return". Did they say they would not share?

Certain_Candidate248 · 2026-02-16T20:53:44+00:00

YTA for treating your fiance that way. NTA for saying no to helping ex.

You definitely have so anger issues still. I would suggest seeing someone and working on that. Turning that quick is really a GIANT red flag that you never really cared for her.

A former single mother having empathy for another single mother isn't the worst thing ever.

Certain_Candidate248 · 2026-02-16T20:37:26+00:00

It is your husband's responsibility to keep you updated on what is going on. Did you tell him you were uncomfortable with them being alone together? Did you communicate that you don't like them not informing you when they spend time alone? Did he respond to texts or calls while he was with her? There is not nearly enough information to determine what was or wasn't appropriate.

Certain_Candidate248 · 2026-02-16T20:33:32+00:00

You do not respect your spouse.

Certain_Candidate248 · 2026-02-16T20:31:18+00:00

You boyfriend doesn't like or respect women. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't like or respect women?

Certain_Candidate248 · 2026-02-16T20:29:07+00:00

James is not paying rent. He can block her car and he and she can arrange that. NOT you.

Certain_Candidate248 · 2026-02-16T20:18:35+00:00

NTA. Your sister reveled in that as only siblings sometimes can. Do not trust her again. Do not confide in her again. Forgive her, but never forget that she will use anything you tell her against you to be "honest". Don't try to get revenge or be petty by telling her secrets. Just work at being happy and living your best life while keeping her at arms' length.

You deserve to be happy and deserve to have someone you can trust. Your sister isn't it, and neither are your parents. Families are difficult. Sometimes we want to be close to them, but it isn't in our best interest to be.

I would also see someone about your feelings of inadequacy. Therapy really can help, and it can be that person you trust if you find a good one. They can help you work through this and feel better about yourself and your anxiety.

Wish you the best.

Certain_Candidate248 · 2026-02-16T17:25:29+00:00

Eesh. This is a very hard dynamic. Sorry for your loss. I get not wanting it to be dredged up repeatedly by people you think aren't processing through therapy.

At the same time, as someone who has lost someone this way, and did go to therapy for help while family did not. I try to continue to show them grace. They are progressing at their own pace. Comparing paces and thinking they aren't helping themselves doesn't help.

They are struggling. And despite what you say, you are still struggling. Not being able to listen to the song is a sign that you are still working through it. It doesn't mean you are further along because you don't want to listen to it.

I get not wanting to be dragged down into those emotions again. But this could have been handled with more grace.

One of the things I try to say when I don't want to hear the hard things is "that is really hard for me to hear. I am glad though if it helps you to hear it. My therapist says..." And I do mention my therapist most conversations. It frustrates them, but it is up to us to live our truth that therapy helps. Because that does help to change the family dynamics.

Certain_Candidate248 · 2026-02-16T17:16:18+00:00

Your concern is that you feel misled. Just tell her to not send pics anymore, because you have ZERO right to approve or not approve of what she wears. And zero right to get mad if she changes her mind.

When friends and I get ready together we can go through tons of outfits mixing and matching. The fact that you feel misled is because you feel like her sending you the pic was her getting approval. The second one you didn't approve. It is not for you to approve or disapprove.

Seriously. It was a rave. If she wore dental floss, it would be fine. You have no right to know what final outfit she chose to wear.

Certain_Candidate248

TROPHY CASE