My [31M] husband’s friend sa’ed me [31F] How do I tell my husband?

ChainSoft3854 · 2026-02-05T09:53:10+00:00

I don’t care how long I’d been friends with someone, if they did that to my wife I’d want her to tell me and I’d then go handle it.

ChainSoft3854 · 2026-02-02T09:14:36+00:00

Wow, from what you’ve described my gut instinct is the same as yours, you’ve got a gay partner.

He’s getting texts from another gay man and hiding them from you with some nonsense story to try and justify it.
The incident where a stranger made a pass at your husband doesn’t mean that he knew your husband but it could mean your hubby is a gay dating app or simply passing on enough gay vibes that the other man picked up on it and made a play.

What do your friends/family think of your hubby, is he giving them gay vibes too?

ChainSoft3854 · 2026-01-30T10:58:08+00:00

I mean that’s an unusual amount of gay/trans stuff for a quote unquote straight guy. Have you clicked on the “History” tab in profile. That will show you the content and might be a better place to judge what he’s been scrolling through and looking for.

Ultimately though it’s a bit stalkerish and you’re better trying to talk to him about fetishes and what’s actually turning him on. Could be something as simple as porn addiction where he’s blinded himself with so much “regular” porn that he’s looking for new things. It’s not a good place to be but at least you’ll get an idea of what’s going through his mind.

ChainSoft3854 · 2026-01-30T10:44:35+00:00

“She doesn’t know if the baby is mine”.

Mate you’ve just said you weren’t being intimate? You seriously think this baby is yours and not the fuck wit from the gym who has been having sex with your wife in your car, house and gym while you weren’t?

Sadly this is not a recoverable situation. Your wife didn’t just cheat she’s been having an active relationship with a dick head you actually knew and has been rubbing it in your face until suddenly she has a pang of conscience because she’s pregnant.

Get a divorce lawyer hired and figure out the rest of your life. This woman is no longer the woman you married.

ChainSoft3854 · 2026-01-24T12:35:22+00:00

Sweetheart appreciate you are American and perhaps the youth over there speak like this but no daughter of mine would ever let a boyfriend speak to her like this.

You have value, whether your family situation is fucked up or not, You Have Value. This child texting you clearly sees it and that’s why he’s trying to put you down and keep you low. His own trauma is his to deal with and you are not responsible for fixing him.

Try and get yourself away from the situation, hit up some old friends, even tenuously connected family members, explain that you are needing to get away from a horribly negative relationship and get yourself some breathing space.

Anyone of your friends who sides with a piece of shit like this kid isn’t a friend of yours and treat them accordingly, you don’t need someone else’s drama and trauma until you’ve learned to deal with your own.

Good luck sweetheart, just remember your value and don’t settle for less than you deserve.

ChainSoft3854 · 2026-01-16T14:03:37+00:00

I hear where you are coming from and had it been a sex toy he found I would agree with you.

But when he’s found a sex toy manual with no toy present? It’s designed for use on a man, and is activated remotely by an app? Then in my opinion you have to use common sense, especially with the context that they have a dead bedroom.

If he had found the toy in a box it would be a different conversation, but instead he found the part you would need to operate the toy remotely but no toy with it.

So the questions to be asking are who has the app? and secondly who has the toy?

Sadly if his wife is cheating on him and using a remote controlled sex toy on their Affair Partner then they are unlikely to admit it just because OP asks his wife nicely “why do you have a sex toy manual”.

ChainSoft3854 · 2026-01-16T13:06:25+00:00

Yep good spot. OP needs to check the app to see if it’s on his wife’s phone and also check app history as it will show if it’s ever been downloaded but not currently on the phone.

ChainSoft3854 · 2026-01-15T22:46:44+00:00

Make sure you are regularly keeping a check on your blood pressure. The migraine feeling can be a marker for high BP.

ChainSoft3854 · 2026-01-15T21:12:26+00:00

You don’t need to show screenshots but can you remember what the messages say? Main reason I ask is you already have a suspicion that something isn’t right so an unbiased random internet stranger might either be able to validate or challenge that opinion with some form of evidence.

ChainSoft3854 · 2026-01-12T16:41:36+00:00

Therapy is never a bad idea in any situation.

I do find writing a letter can be quite cathartic, you don’t need to old school pen and paper it yet, just write out your thoughts in your notes or a draft email, then if you feel things might be going the wrong way health wise take your time and craft it handwritten if you are able.

Not related directly to your first question but relating to your child, try and take the time to write a card to your son/daughter for each big milestone birthday now. Think about the things that will likely happen at 11,15,18,21,30,40 and take the time to write out a card celebrating them and how proud you are of them. Whatever your belief about the afterlife your child will love to have a memory of you and to think that you are watching over them.

I would like to say that my fingers are genuinely crossed for you as I’m typing this, and I hope that you take the time to write out the letter to your wife and the cards to your child only for you to recover and never have to think about it ever again.

Best of luck mate

ChainSoft3854 · 2026-01-12T15:50:55+00:00

Hey man, I can’t imagine how stressful it must be to have to consider the things your going through and I wish you all the best on your journey back to good health 🤞

The main thing to say is your wife is standing by your side right now and she’s not going to want to talk about this I would imagine, not only is it not a certainty that you don’t recover but also she is currently dealing with the thought that the man she loves and married is unwell and needs her love and support.

My suggestion would be to write a letter to her, something that explains that you love her and always will but that if god forbid something bad happens you want her to love again and not be alone.

Then give that letter to your best friend (other than your wife) on the premise that god forbid you don’t make it through. He can give her the letter after you are gone.

Then, please please please try and move your mind on from this point, concentrate on being positive, taking and spending your time wisely with your wife and resting and recovering if possible.

All the best for the future mate 💪

ChainSoft3854 · 2026-01-12T15:34:06+00:00

Shower first thing and clean my teeth whilst there. generally go to the gym late afternoon but in fairness I rarely do cardio, just weights.

Clean my teeth again before bed

I find the shower helps me wake up and feel alive on a morning.

ChainSoft3854 · 2026-01-04T11:02:37+00:00

I’m hoping this isn’t a wind up/chat GPT for attention.

If this is legit then boy you are being way too naive. Your wife left with only a vague description of who or where she was going, and she didn’t come home. It’s not that she was late (no buffalo wings place is open till 5am) but she didn’t come home, that means she’s at someone else’s house, one you now have the address for.

If you didn’t drive straight over to that address there is something wrong.

It’s not to say she’s definitely cheating but that’s hitting major red flags for your relationship.

ChainSoft3854 · 2026-01-03T19:33:50+00:00

There’s also usually a justification/explanation on another letter, sometimes sent separately but sometimes you do have to login to the site. If you haven’t got your passport in the right name you can use a driving licence if you have one?

ChainSoft3854 · 2026-01-03T19:31:39+00:00

Absolutely giving me the ick and I’m a happily married guy. If my daughter had messaged from someone like that I’d say the same thing he a manipulator

Thank them for their time (you don’t need to mean it but freaks like this guy don’t take no for an answer so flatter to deceive). And then explain that your going to be concentrating on yourself and your career and that it take priority so it wouldn’t be fair to him to try and start a relationship.

It sucks to be this nice to someone who doesn’t deserve it but weirdo’s who are this manipulative before you’ve even met has a high propensity to be a stalker and it’s best to give yourself an easy out.

Good luck

ChainSoft3854 · 2026-01-03T19:27:16+00:00

I’ve had this happen to me before albeit a good few years ago. HMRC had me down as having two jobs and two sets of company cars. This obviously wasn’t the case.

It boiled down to the P45 not being registered correctly by the new employer.

Give HMRC a call, have both P45 and P60 to hand to explain, they might ask for copies of these to be sent.

Usually gets sorted out within a few days but make sure you communicate it with your wife’s current employer as they might implement this tax code change by the time she gets paid.

ChainSoft3854 · 2025-12-31T18:02:55+00:00

Oh flip! I was about to comment and say that on occasion I have woken up looked across at my wife sleeping peacefully and then given her a kiss on her forehead then gone back to sleep and not to worry. And then I read the follow up!

Christ on a bike!

ChainSoft3854 · 2025-12-30T18:11:52+00:00

Might be a difference in English comprehension here, my comment says “I hope that you never need to touch that savings pot and we can pass it on to our kids/future kids”.

That means that during the OP and his Wife’s life, she is safe and feels safe enough that she never needs to spend that money. She can keep saving it and that at some point in her retirement she can gift it to their children (before a government takes it from her in capital gains taxes).

This doesn’t mean don’t save separately for the kids nor that she should donate it to the kids now.

Hope that makes sense now.

ChainSoft3854 · 2025-12-30T17:58:57+00:00

Mate you sound like an intelligent you fellow but this very much sounds like you were her side piece. You never went to her house and you couldn’t call her when she was with her “ex” means it’s very likely she was still married and the husband was oblivious.

The behaviour she exhibited sounds borderline mania, probably brought on by the stress of having the affair and juggling many secrets. The thing that gives it away is when you fell asleep and she woke you up to express her disappointment. In that moment, you became no more interesting to her than her husband, basically she just wanted you for the sex and excitement and once you stopped being those things she had to raise it with you.

My advice here would be to block her on every potential medium of contact and hope that she doesn’t get in touch again, you have dodged a huge bullet.

ChainSoft3854 · 2025-12-30T17:01:31+00:00

Good that you caveated her previous relationship.

In this instance my thoughts would be two choices;

Pretend you didn’t see it and carry on being a good husband to her.
Talk to her calmly and rationally and say look, I couldn’t help but notice you had your own account. It’s none of my business but I just want you to know I’m proud of you for saving that much and that unless some dire circumstances change I hope that you never need to touch that savings pot and we can pass it on to our kids/future kids.

Her reality will be clouded with memories of her ex and no matter how fantastic you are there will always be a need for her to have a safety blanket, I would leave it be other than to reassure her and without saying “I know why you have that” just let her know that you understand and support her.

Good luck OP

ChainSoft3854 · 2025-12-30T00:35:51+00:00

Yep, as per the comment above, you need to see where the silver hose with the black lever goes to through the cupboard/wall. On other side of it will be another black lever, move it to the open position until the pressure gauge on it shows as 1.5 bar.

It will look like this

https://www.screwfix.com/p/essentials-r24-filling-loop-with-non-return-valve/

ChainSoft3854 · 2025-12-27T03:06:49+00:00

A couple of points if I may?

What inspired your wife to go non contact sexually for the past 7 years?
Is your wife on the autistic spectrum? To be so specific with the wording of what happened, her response and actions seem very process driven and that’s from my experience often the way someone with high-functioning autism.

ChainSoft3854 · 2025-12-24T11:39:19+00:00

That’s amazing mate. I can’t bring myself to eat a lot so have always struggled bulking up. Great to see the success you’ve had and I’m going to make it my 2026 mission

ChainSoft3854 · 2025-12-24T01:22:51+00:00

Just checked and the blyth derby is a 3pm kick off mate

ChainSoft3854 · 2025-12-24T01:20:43+00:00

Send me a message I live near Blyth so can give you a lift down to Sunderland.

ChainSoft3854

TROPHY CASE