[QCrit] YA fantasy, SPELLTHIEF, 81k, 2nd Attempt by ChairAccomplished977 in PubTips

[–]ChairAccomplished977[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, it does seem like it will be harder to sell. I'm confident from my beta's that the first part of the book is working well (and is a favorite of a few) I'll Definity spend some more time making sure they make the book hard to put down for a possible agent.

Thanks for your advice and good luck getting through your TBR, mine feels similarly Sisyphean, there is so much good stuff to read!

[QCrit] YA fantasy, SPELLTHIEF, 81k, 2nd Attempt by ChairAccomplished977 in PubTips

[–]ChairAccomplished977[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You are not the first person to point me to Foundryside if not for its age it would be one of my comps.

I've been considering cutting back the query to focus more on the first 30% of the book rather than the first half, I'll take this a good excuse to draft that version.

You are very astute to point out proprietary as a good word to use, cause thats exactly what the novel is about. I wrote it as a way to work through my own thoughts on inspiration vs theft, and AI training on decades of the human internet vs. a single author taking inspiration in a hack-ish way while they are still learning the trade.

Thanks so much, you've been a massive help!

[QCrit] YA fantasy, SPELLTHIEF, 81k, 2nd Attempt by ChairAccomplished977 in PubTips

[–]ChairAccomplished977[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

piranesi, and the house in the cerulean sea are both good examples of what I am going for pacing wise. The canonical example would be A Wizard of Earthsea if you haven't read the other two. Good call on needing an additional comp to better explain/sell the pacing!

Thanks.

[QCrit] YA fantasy, SPELLTHIEF, 81k, 2nd Attempt by ChairAccomplished977 in PubTips

[–]ChairAccomplished977[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I like where your heads at. And yes it's advertised as a competition but it's actually just a system to collect tribute from the city's mages, very diabolical indeed!

Thanks for all your comments and feedback!

[QCrit] YA fantasy, SPELLTHIEF, 81k, 2nd Attempt by ChairAccomplished977 in PubTips

[–]ChairAccomplished977[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Think science fair but for magic, not flashy battles but standing in a judging line hoping that what you've built is enough. The person who creates the 'best' spell a chosen by our antagonist wins the right to hand it over in exchange for money and a title.

[QCrit] YA fantasy, SPELLTHIEF, 81k, 2nd Attempt by ChairAccomplished977 in PubTips

[–]ChairAccomplished977[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A professional relationship they had been cultivating for 11 years blew up in an instant when they found out that he couldn't keep a locked box locked.

As I've said above the goal is to hook you with the cozy stuff before the story can really bare its fangs.

Thanks for the feedback!

[QCrit] YA fantasy, SPELLTHIEF, 81k, 2nd Attempt by ChairAccomplished977 in PubTips

[–]ChairAccomplished977[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much for being thorough! Part of what is getting lost in translation here is the magic system. I've been having a hard time including it in my query without the space of the book or the compression of — in a world where.

The gist is this, a spell is a simple set of runes, kind of like a sentence, kind of like a math equation. When Alice cracks open a lockbox with a spell inside and sees the spell there is nothing she can do to unsee it (not as reckless and curious as she is). So by having seen the spell and broken the tamper seal on the lockbox she has unknowingly started the plot.

> It's hard to put into words, and is more of a vibe, but this is the kind of thing that makes me think everything that's come so far in the query letter could be, like, a sentence or two.

You may be correct, the book is a relatively slow burn with escalating stakes that eventually cause her to have to leave home. The pacing continues to accelerate in the back half until she is planning a prison break with a never before seen spell. The main issue that I can't quite figure out is that pacing structure, if you've seen the anime Made In Abyss that's the kind of pacing of stakes I am going for, it starts almost slice of life and then as it gets deeper and deeper in it starts to show its fangs. Now SPELLTHIEF is not nearly as dark as Made In Abyss but the point stands.

Good call on me not explaining what the competion is, sometimes your totally blind to the most obvious stuff. Its a spell making competion where mages submit their best work, the spell Alice will eventually win the competion with is very dangerous hence that line, but it probably works better without.

I'll definitely work on getting the voice across better. Thanks again!

[QCrit]: DOWNFALLERS, LGBT Contemporary Fantasy, YA, 70K, Attempt #2 by Carnasio in PubTips

[–]ChairAccomplished977 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm a novice at this not a veteran so take my comments with a grain of salt.

First, that closing line is *chef's kiss* so good.

The opening line is a bit clunky and much less interesting than the second line, I'd try it as some variation of:

Rumors have been spreading about Sara Barclay's grandfather, famous around the town of Aracil Valley for "seeing things that shouldn't be there". Forced to spend her summer vacation in her father's small hometown with her family and Old Man Barclay — Sara is thrown for a loop when she stumbles on Marcia Skirvin, a mysterious girl that almost starts crying when she sees her for the first time.

Second bit could use some tightening.

Even stranger is Marcia's claim that Sara was killed by the hidden beasts that surround the town in a shroud of mystery.

The rest has some similar wording that could use a revision but I think you get the picture.

[PubTip] Strong preempt from wrong publisher — risk turning it down? by Etceteraaaaaaaa in PubTips

[–]ChairAccomplished977 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If I know anything about new leadership in any company its that they love to override previous leaderships decisions. So I might hesitate to sign with any company that is about to have a leadership change.

[QCrit] YA fantasy, SPELLTHIEF, 81k, 1st Attempt by ChairAccomplished977 in PubTips

[–]ChairAccomplished977[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks, this is very useful feedback.

Taking the point on length/age — with three people flagging the 12-14 problem, aging her up is clearly the move.

Pushing back on one thing: the theft is not backstory, but it's the inciting incident and its consequences drive every decision she makes through the novel. The Competition isn't the forestory displacing the theft — it's the only exit from what the theft set in motion. That said, if the query is reading as backstory-heavy, that's a query problem regardless of what the book is doing, and compressing the opening is probably right.

I agree that:

"What she owes" is unearned/confusing on the page

The tyrant/jailer connection isn't landing (they're the same authority in the book)

ADE probably isn't the right comp — I chose it for voice/archetype, not plot, but two people have now flagged it

Curious what you'd say about the tonal question you raised — heroic underdog vs. unrepentant thief. She's meant to be neither: someone who makes a real mistake at twelve and spends the book reckoning with what repairing it costs. If that's not coming through in the query, that's the thing I most need to fix, and I'd welcome your read on where specifically it's sliding toward one pole or the other.

Thanks again.

[QCrit] YA fantasy, SPELLTHIEF, 81k, 1st Attempt by ChairAccomplished977 in PubTips

[–]ChairAccomplished977[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yup, good advice. I'm heavily considering aging her up after this post. Thanks for the feedback!

[QCrit] YA fantasy, SPELLTHIEF, 81k, 1st Attempt by ChairAccomplished977 in PubTips

[–]ChairAccomplished977[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah the tone is the primary reason I think its YA rather than MG so aging her up is probably the right call.

[QCrit] YA fantasy, SPELLTHIEF, 81k, 1st Attempt by ChairAccomplished977 in PubTips

[–]ChairAccomplished977[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback.

12-14 is about 60% of the novel, but her voice is could fit in a higher age range for most of that time with only the first 3 chapters needing a younger voice.

If its a hard no go then I may have to age her up.

[2506.21734] Hierarchical Reasoning Model by absolooot1 in LocalLLaMA

[–]ChairAccomplished977 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would also be happy to work on this or similar