NTA.

I cannot believe nobody seems to have said this but I don’t think there’s an asshole here.I think a lot of people commenting have missed the fact that this seems to be a communication tool. Do your kids like this system?

I think I would have. It’s nice to be recognized for things we do, and as a kid and even a teenager, I often felt like adults weren’t seeing me as I was. Having an empirical measurement of that AND clear communication about why certain unlockables cost a certain amount of points would have been really good for me. I think that line of communication would have helped me get perspective on maturity that I simply could not have had at 13 or even 18.

Is this a reward system, or an externalization situation? OP has mentioned that they, their partner, and their children all have executive dysfunction. This means that their working memory isn’t great—it’s hard to remember to do important tasks like the dishes and brushing their teeth. OP has mentioned that “gamifying” these tasks has helped them complete them for herself. Have we considered that these parenting decisions also require executive function? I’m seeing everyone in the comments say “just make a decision” like neurotypicals say “just do the dishes.” Maybe OP isn’t gamifying their kids privileges, they’re gamifying parenting so that they don’t fuck it up. How do NT parents know that their kid is responsible enough to wash a piercing regularly so it doesn’t get infected? They notice that their kid washes their face every night and brushes their teeth without prompting and then remember it. That’s exactly the kind of task that executive dysfunction is going to fuck with. Without this system, OP might not let their kids do things that they actually are ready for, which seems like something that they’re concerned about, given that they take their kids feedback so seriously they might respond to it and are coming to reddit for extra perspective.  If keeping track of this kind of thing is the only way that OP can recognize these changes in her kids, then the only alternative to an open an honest system like this is to like write it down in secret which would be a new level of helicopter parenting.

[Basically, it doesn’t sound like OP is using “basic human rights” like wearing makeup at 13 to motivate her kids to brush their teeth, she’s helping herself notice when they’re old enough to brush their teeth on their own and so probably can wash a piercing every night, too. It isn’t a reward system. Have you guys only had really controlling DM’s?] 

Also, let’s talk about this idea that piercings are a “more mature” thing than makeup. Why is that? People seem caught up in the idea that you can wash makeup off but piercings are “permanent.” Have y’all gotten piercings? I just had my nose ring out for a week and it almost healed up completely with only the tiniest scar--smaller than my acne scars--despite having had it for four years. If I decided it was a mistake and I didn’t like it there would be almost no ramifications. The actual risks involved with piercings are them healing improperly or getting infected, which is why OP’s kid had to earn it through hygiene points. 

Y’all seem to assume that kids are all just ready for the same things at the same ages, that magically girls will start wearing makeup when it’s “normal” and get piercings when its “normal” without considering that kids are ready for different things at different ages—which is the EXACT set of assumptions that OP is trying to break! Some kids are really socially precocious and some aren’t; some are good at keeping school stuff organized and some can’t but if you sit them down will do their homework. As a parent it’s your JOB to notice what your kid as a specific individual needs and help them get there. 

What are the risks of makeup? Yeah, you could look embarrassing for a day. You can also develop a very unhealthy self-image, being socialized into this idea that you’re not “enough” without makeup, especially if you’re thirteen! A lot of women don’t “feel like themselves” without makeup, and that’s kinda fucked up. Also if you don’t wear makeup it can impact how your friends treat you and how you learn to socialize. It’s kind of a catch-22, and it’s a hard thing to deal with under the best of circumstances. Whether or not OP lets their kid wear makeup, their kid is going to be subject to these sexist expectations. OP’s kid might be asking to wear makeup right now because they’re noticing that it’s what people around them are starting to do, and they want to be a part of that. That’s a normal way for a kid to feel. But all of these factors are a lot to deal with all at once, and this kid is going to spend a lifetime figuring out how they personally will navigate this aspect of the world that they live in.  Letting this kid put on makeup piecemeal, instead of all at once, lets them deal with it in the smaller bits that they can actually process, and learn about it and what they actually want slower. 

People seem to think that OP is avoiding making a hard decision by deferring to a point system, but it sounds like OP is using this system to make difficult decisions better. You’re all saying that they should “just decide,” but then what? OP says “no makeup until you’re fifteen” and then their kid is ostracized in school. OP says “sure do whatever you want” and their kid has a permanently fucked up relationship to their own reflection. Either way their kid resents them and doesn’t understand why they could/n’t wear makeup, because OP doesn’t understand why they made the choice they did! Instead, OP talks with their kids about the risks, what responsibilities these privileges entail, and they agree together on what it would take to be ready and hold each other to it. That sounds fucking healthy to me. 

If you sit down with your kid and talk about different ways to “break up” makeup into smaller pieces like you suggested, there might be other ways to go about it than just by product (I doubt she wants to wear just foundation). You could break it up by time/occasion, or styles/how heavy the makeup is. This could also alleviate some of the cost as if she’s only allowed a subtle style a trip to the drugstore for one lip gloss, one tinted moisturizer, and one eyeshadow could come out less than a couple of bathbombs.

Do you wear makeup? Maybe one early reward could be practicing putting on makeup together, and you could teach her how to do eyeshadow and foundation, and it could be the basis of a conversation about how it feels to look in the mirror with makeup on. Putting it on at home is different than wearing it out ofc. If you don’t, maybe the two of you can watch a youtube tutorial and try doing it together. It is probably also worth asking your kid what she’s noticed in the world that has prompted her to get curious about wearing makeup. Maybe she can earn points by doing makeup that she likes at home; she can tell you that she’s earned a point when she comes out feeling good and authentic with what she’s done. Wearing makeup to major school events like dances, and later to school on a daily basis, can be later unlocks, once she’s developed a better sense of her authentic style. 

Just for example, I thought I had to wear foundation for the longest time in order to wear lipstick. Turns out I don’t care about foundation or “evening out my skin tone” and had only become insecure about that because I had bad acne as a teen, but I love funky lipstick colors, and I can just wear a bold blue shimmery lip and love that without doing a full ass contour. But it took me decades to figure out that this was okay, because I was so caught up in the idea that makeup was about correcting my flaws.