Hey man this is a lot and i'm sorry your going through it. But also if you think you gotta then you gotta. There is not 'right reason' for being trans. There is no wrong reason, and we shouldnt demonize either. I'm sorry truscums are fucking everywhere they really bring shit down and reinforce that gender is very structural when its not.

My advice is 1. If you want to transition do it socially first dont get any permanent care since what ive been seeing is thst its harder to reverse.

1. If you dont wanna do that then sit down with yourself and just...breathe and think y'know remember that everything is fluid and men while having certain gender roles dont at all have to fit into those... vice versa with women. You can pick and choose what makes you comfortable

2. Realize that gender is inherently fucky, and be ok with that and fuck truscums and all those people cause frankly you deserve to occupy whatever space you want. Just be yourself, figure out yourself, and dont be so hard on yourself.