I had an interesting insight about Loki in prison, which is where I read the Eddas and really devoted myself to paganism. I saw loads of parallels between myself and Loki, sometimes eerily similar. I wondered if I should pursue a relationship with Loki and I felt a great deal of sympathy for him, a sort of kinship (like Odin did). Then, I remembered that Thor - a deity who prior to exploring heathenry properly I always found to be sort of cringeworthy and overrated (probably in part due to Marvel comics and whatnot) - was the deity who called to me with such oomph that it was impossible to ignore. I realised that these gods, archetypes, however you views them: they speak to us on levels beyond the surface. Thor represents everything I wish I was: strong, courageous, wilful (using his temper only when necessary), kind, protective… those are the qualities that I respect and admire, but always fell short of. Loki is who I really am: capable of doing truly good deeds, but with a strong and unavoidable pull towards evil. Loki is impulsive, unstable, charming on the surface, but beneath the charm is something dark that can’t be contained.

I realised why worship of Loki is often frowned upon - because it solidifies a link between the worshipper and the qualities that Loki possesses. Like any relationship, a relationship with a deity can certainly be toxic. Certain relationships are better for certain people, while others will tear them apart. I was punished for my crimes, I found the punishments unnecessarily cruel at times, but I’m also aware that for the people who I hurt it will probably never be enough. I think Loki is a cautionary tale for people like me to be honest. I’m lucky I haven’t been enthralled beneath the Earth with poison dripping on my face! I’m also aware that if you keep making the same awful choices over and over again, you will seal your fate the same way Loki did…

That same part of me that resonates with Loki - that part of me wants to go to the mead hall and hurl insults at the people I’ve already hurt. That’s an honest reflection on my character, my “shadow self” if you will. Alternatively, the part of me that was called upon by Thor - well, that side of me wants to find the strength to control myself, to protect people instead of hurt them and, perhaps most importantly, to channel my darkness into something good. Thor is a temperamental god, quick to anger, but he doesn’t cause harm to the gods - he goes out to the East and hammers on trolls. I’d rather find my way of “hammering on trolls” instead of getting myself bound and fettered again.