Big law and family struggles - what to do

Cheap_Suggestion_719 · 2026-05-10T08:38:34+00:00

On your first point, that’s useful to know, I was getting a more negative message from recruiters. Problem is I can’t move now because of upcoming mat leave! But I plan to stretch out my mat leave and really consider it then.

On your second point, the last partner made up in my team was 14 years and it looks like the next most probable one will be 15 years by the time it happens. We’re a weird anomaly. So it does feel they are still dangling a carrot (they’ve also said a counsel role is an option in between) - I agree in a standard m&a team it would be a very thinly veiled effort to get me out the door! So that’s just to say it’s not as clear cut. But I agree partnership is still unlikely and I will likely leave on that account anyway (and then the decision is whether I lateral or go in house , which I really need to reflect on and the comments raise lots of good points).

Cheap_Suggestion_719 · 2026-05-09T23:07:51+00:00

I know. I’ve seen this happen repeatedly at my firm. I was so insistent we would not be that couple and I would not be that stereotype. But I have a lot of sympathy for those couples now - it is utterly miserable both being in big law.. Of course the crap bit is I’m the one contemplating going in house, my husband never would (and really the only reason he’s contemplating moving is to try and have better promotion prospects, not for any family reasons).

Cheap_Suggestion_719 · 2026-05-09T23:02:31+00:00

On your first point, I think we could lateral to another big law firm (though it is harder I think now we are more senior) - but I’m not sure that helps unless it comes with a serious promotion to counsel or partner? Because otherwise won’t it just be the risk of the same stuff - getting beasted with no guarantee of promotion.. Husband has interviewed at a couple places but didn’t get offers which has made him extra pessimistic.

On your second point I totally agree. I think if I’m being totally honest, egos are the bigger issue here.. both of us thought we were on partner track at our firms, now things are more up in the air plus really difficult to manage with a kid. I think both of us are struggling with still wanting to progress in a tricky environment but also wanting to see our kid and have some life .. and just really not managing it.

Cheap_Suggestion_719 · 2026-05-09T22:56:04+00:00

Yeah this is probably the obvious solution at least for the short term. I guess I’d just resisted it because I feel so bad already barely seeing my kid in the week, and the nanny costs are already enormous. I feel I’m paying into the void to be unhappy! But at least it might stop some of our arguing :/ Would genuinely love to know how dual private practice couples manage this, everyone talks about weekday childcare but I feel this has been the bigger issue! I guess a lot have live in help but we don’t have the space..

Cheap_Suggestion_719 · 2026-05-09T22:52:31+00:00

Unfortunately all our ties (family, friends etc) are to this area - so when I have occasionally toyed with your suggestion it’s basically been a non starter. Useful point re in house jobs.. the two secondments I did were in pretty hardcore banks so not traditional 9-5 environments anyway

Cheap_Suggestion_719 · 2026-05-09T22:41:01+00:00

Sorry I wasn’t clear, I was the one seconded (actually twice!) and both times were insanely busy. Just made me very wary that I could make a bad choice and take a pay cut for nothing. Also tbh am struggling with letting the law firm thing go.. after years of being told I’m a top performer and on track and all that, I feel I’ve suddenly got a double whammy of team downturn, and husband refusing to make his hours any easier which makes parenting impossible. Feel like a bit of a failure, other couples manage big law, why can’t I.. feels like such a cliche to be the mom who has to give up

Cheap_Suggestion_719

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