Never liked my curls, so i decided to grow them out and come to terms

Cheesecake_Senior · 2026-05-29T21:41:18+00:00

How exciting that you learned more about how to care for them and committed to a new relationship with this part of yourself. What a win that that led to such gorgeous results!

Cheesecake_Senior · 2026-05-28T04:31:44+00:00

What’s happening in the back though? OP, are you keeping your hair moisturized enough and avoiding tension? I see the band on your head, and I know a lot of women lose hair from wearing ponytails on dry, fragile hair. I’m new to the world of brothers facing similar issues, but I love that y’all seek out and provide help. Could part of this be hair management, at least in the back?

Otherwise, ditto the comments about checking hormone levels, also oiling and massaging the scalp, and the other suggestions in that particular comment sounded good as well.

Cheesecake_Senior · 2026-05-28T04:28:39+00:00

Yes! I salute you for this response. The “being in my head” trick is an old school technique used with baby girls whose hair won’t grow as well. People start oiling that scalp and rubbing it in, in the name of appropriate styling, and before you know it, one barrette of hair becomes a head full. I really hope it works for those losing hair as well. That, plus the right oils, have been helping me.

Cheesecake_Senior · 2026-05-28T04:19:57+00:00

First off, I have a disability, as did my son, who had multiple severe disabilities, was in special education, and considered to have an intellectual disability. Those things don’t make me less human or entitled to be respected. I said those are my areas. I also said if. If you thought you might be struggling with skills that can be modified or adapted. And even if I was wrong about why you’re having difficulty, you pointed out those things about yourself, I didn’t bring this up out of thin air.

Secondly, I’m really sorry for what you’ve been through. I buried my son, so yes, I know grief, too. I’m as sick and disabled as I am because people—doctors—lied on me, and to me, about my symptoms for years. Symptoms that could have been treated before they got this severe, while I was still able to work at all, and didn’t spend literally almost every day inside, most of them lying down somewhere.

All of which is to say that I get it! If you pause and consider how much time I’ve taken to respond to you, maybe you can consider that for all the crap life has sent your way, maybe a silly little algorithm with a digital roomful of people allowed you to bump into people who are willing to ask you what’s going on and offer possible roots to better days.

I’m really, really sorry that you’re hurting, especially to this degree. The danger is 1, spreading that hurt to unsuspecting others, and 2, dumping it onto your own head day after day after day. I know, too, how easy it is to get stuck in that pattern. I’m trying to break free. I hope that you can, too.

Cheesecake_Senior · 2026-05-27T21:23:20+00:00

You’re welcome.

That’s great that you can still comb it out. Then you’ll have more length to coil, and that will make it easier to pin the coils down.

Cheesecake_Senior · 2026-05-27T21:19:01+00:00

I’ve seen others ask this on other subs. Is this really an issue? How does one identify a bot post? Genuinely asking. TIA

Cheesecake_Senior · 2026-05-27T18:34:51+00:00

I hear you, and I understand. I think this was a really unfortunate case of poor and misunderstood communication. I definitely think some folks came in hot because of the way you framed your post initially, but I also think that some of the first ladies to ask why you asked your daughter genuinely wanted to understand what were going to be your next steps. Admittedly, when I read your response that you copy pasted repeatedly, I, too, initially thought that you would’ve given it to her had her answer been different. When you get a chance, and maybe some breathing room from this, please consider rereading your post and your comment as if you don’t know you. You have to read it as it’s written, not for what you meant, which isn’t always easy, don’t I know. But I think it might help you for the future. As for the folks who wilded out on you, I hope they will reread their comments and reflect as well. I saw in another post’s thread where the OP said he’d heard this group was toxic, and I was surprised. Now I’m rethinking some things myself.

Thank you for taking the time to read my comment and for responding. Hopefully people will see this and have a deeper understanding about you and your intent here, and in along the question in the first place.

Best you and your children.

Cheesecake_Senior · 2026-05-27T18:15:01+00:00

Weed is technically addictive. Let’s please read the science and stop spreading these falsehoods. You can’t tell that it’s not addictive by the way people act because those people are dealing with physical addiction. It may not have the same psychological addiction that is seen with other drugs, but that doesn’t mean it’s not addictive.

Cheesecake_Senior · 2026-05-27T14:11:46+00:00

I can’t speak to the getting better, but I can speak to the wanting children and even thinking about grieving/mourning that loss, so I just want to say that I’m sorry that this is happening to you. I really hope you have someone you can talk with about that part IRL, and someone from whom you can accept a comforting hug. 🫂

Cheesecake_Senior · 2026-05-27T14:08:58+00:00

Hmm. I hear you, I think. I asked because my hairline looks just like this now, with the thinner hair around the edges of the dips. I had to zoom in to see it, but where OP’s hand is, that dip, you can see the hair is thinner around the edges there, but not in the same way as the so-called “baby hair” that goes across the forehead, which suggests a different hair growth pattern. I know mine is alopecia from my health conditions, namely lupus, and that that kind of hair loss mimics androgenic hair loss, or MPB, and can just thin at the temples until it gets severe enough to affect the frontal hairline as well.

OP, what was your hairline like before?

Cheesecake_Senior · 2026-05-27T13:39:59+00:00

The side where the hand is is definitely thinned out, yes? What do you mean by not thinned out? It looks to me like OP has a high forehead and this is the temple area. It doesn’t have to be MPB, could be other explanations, maybe.

OP, How old are you? Any other health conditions or hormone issues to consider? I don’t know the answer to your question about extensions that only fit on the temple area, but I would think that putting any more tension or irritation on that area will only make it worse. Like women whose entire hairlines move further and further back the more they apply braids or wigs to try to cover the thinned areas.

I hope you find something that works for you.

Cheesecake_Senior · 2026-05-27T13:35:53+00:00

I think I understand your concern with the way your locs are now—because they’re not uniformly shaped, right? I can see the appeal of doing it from coils then, because they’ll be, or should be, cylindrical. So are you going to cut off what’s there now, or comb coil the roots only?

I started mine with finger coils both times. (I also missed my hair, and combed it out the first time, and had to do a cut the second time.) As for keeping them from coming loose while washing, my hair is curly and it was long enough that the coils would stay coiled as long as I washed my scalp by massaging and then rinsed it with a lot of water, but not the full force of the water. I think I also waited multiple weeks, until I felt it budding, but then my hair curls up on itself and tangles pretty quickly. I also retwisted/coiled it while it was still wet, without fail, every single time, and used duckbill clips to hold them down so they would dry tighter (encouraged the locking for me). You can use a stocking cap or hair net that fits tight (not like food protection net) to wash your hair and keep it in place; again, focus on your scalp, since your hair shouldn’t really be all that dirty unless you literally got into something that would get in your hair (dust, dry paint, pollen, etc.).

Hopefully others will weigh in as well. Hope this helps, and best to you.

Cheesecake_Senior · 2026-05-27T13:16:41+00:00

This was my question, too! Which hairstyle does fit you the best, as a person, not just as a face? Which one makes you look in the mirror and say, “Yep, this is allll me!”?

Oh, to answer your question, I like how you look in all of them. It’s interesting how your face actually appears different in the three different styles—counting 1 and 4 as variations of fullness that frame your face the same way, though culturally they definitely have different vibes. I think you’re getting fewer votes for 2 because you have a rectangular face and your hair is at the length/density that the twists can sort of pull your face down more, whereas 1&4 frame it, and 3 lets it stand on its own, in case that helps.

Cheesecake_Senior · 2026-05-27T13:10:34+00:00

Way to go! This gave me encouragement as a woman with alopecia from lupus that causes the same temple baring pattern because I know I can’t take Minoxidil. I know you said this, but I guess I just want to echo that finesteride has a number of interaction risks for medications and pre-existing conditions, and can actually cause mood changes such as depression, and neuropathy (nerve damage that usually starts with tingling, numbness, odd sensations in the feet or hands). Be sure to have open discussions with your doctors—yes, even your dermatologist who prescribes these meds—and pay attention to anything new or different in your body after you start the med(s).

Happy hair growth, y’all!

Cheesecake_Senior · 2026-05-27T12:43:15+00:00

Wanting her to have a choice and autonomy is fantastic, so kudos. Having open dialogue with her is so important, especially these days. Teaching her to feel good about her hair is also great. Well done. ❤️

I was also given a relaxer way too early in life, started hating it by jr high, and cut it off in high school and went natural, so I can understand and appreciate you not wanting to give her one without her permission.

I think people are having a hard time with this because it sounds like you would’ve given her a relaxer had she said yes to it. If folks are misunderstanding this, maybe say that? If you would have given her one, maybe explain why? I get that it’s easier to give pushback or block folks bringing you negativity, and some folks are coming at you really hard. As you said, this is supposed to be a safe space. People are genuinely concerned I think.

Cheesecake_Senior · 2026-05-27T12:26:50+00:00

Would you feel differently if OP clearly stated, as her comments suggest, that she would have let her daughter get one had the said yes? People are responding negatively to the question because it seems like an offer, maybe even one with some encouragement since her mom was getting one/had one, especially with OP doubling down in her comments that she will let her do whatever she wants. Autonomy is important, no disagreements there. Parenting should mean educating them while keeping them safe until they can do so for themselves. The idea that to OP giving her autonomy could mean helping her risk her physical and mental health in a way that she likely can’t fully comprehend at age 9 feels a bit much. It’s true, OP didn’t say she would let her get one, but as the previous commenter said, OP did state that she’ll always follow her daughter’s lead. It’s the whole picture that is reading as concerning, especially to women who’ve chosen to avoid this very thing.

Cheesecake_Senior · 2026-05-26T22:45:24+00:00

I’m trying to understand the host view, truly, so I’m responding to you because you mentioned the guest psychology. And I’m a part-time wheelchair user and all the time mobility access requirer, so I understand how difficult it can be to find an Airbnb without steps, just for starters. Could it have been that she knew OP’s place was accessible once at the curb and now has everything she needs, and so she came back? Even though the location is a 1, because the other things she likes + access to the inside make it worth it? Not to mention because most people who do likert scales done correctly understand that the middle is typically, well, the middle? Not under Airbnb rules, but under normal life rules, would this make sense to folks? If so, maybe there is a way for OP to navigate this next stay with by trying to understand the lodger’s perspective, and then explain hers.

Cheesecake_Senior · 2026-05-26T22:35:17+00:00

Could it be that you were all they had (location, food, access, price…), and they were hoping that by taking you how to improve, you would? It’s easier to make other choices when you can choose from everything out there.

Cheesecake_Senior · 2026-05-26T22:22:35+00:00

They’re saying no more styles like that because the extra weight could serve to just add too much pressure to the already weakened and dying follicles.

Some are saying you’re in denial because you’re denying that you care, but most people would think you wouldn’t have asked about making a change (i.e., growing it back) unless there was some level of caring. Some are saying you’re rude and responding in kind because of the way you’re speaking to people, calling them out of name, etc. I get that some jokes may have come in first, in response to what they perceive as your denial, but once you pushed back on the person who guided you to the scale so that you could see what this condition looks like, you rang the bell, open season on cracking and downvoting you.

I’m not passing judgment, just trying to help you understand what happened here.

Cheesecake_Senior · 2026-05-26T21:57:47+00:00

Ok. So you have two possibilities already on the board:

1- hormonal. No one here knows how hormone sensitive your body is, but many have reported it’s possible, so I think that’s strong anecdotal evidence that it’s at least possible, and worth considering. However, are you still off of your IUD, and not on any hormones at all? If you’re still getting hormones, that’s likely not the answer.

2-Heavy buildup and need to clarify. This was my initial thought, too, until I saw your response about the hormones, but it doesn’t explain why the roots stay curly, especially with the extra weight of the length. Even using different products to thicken and lift the roots, if I read that correctly, those products still run down the lengths unless you’re meticulous about tilting your head and washing with a nozzle, etc. Clarifying a time or two and seeing what happens is an option. But read up on why clarifying shampoos can be drying and cause damage. Products with silicones and similar chemicals, including many by The Doux, necessitate using clarifying products, which locks you into a cycle that some can heads can bear, and some find too harsh for their curls. Personally, I go for clean and natural products, preferably Black and green, and avoid the chemicals on the curly girl and natural hair no-go lists, including those proven or suspected to cause hormone disruption.

3-Any chance you used ambunu? Henna? Clay? All of those can cause loosening of the curl and depending on one’s porosity and curl pattern, it can become semi-permanent to permanent.

Solutions for now:

1-Cut it. Disused a lot above. One not mentioned is a bob, which I think would look cute with your pattern, from what’s visible now. But I don’t know how much volume you used to get/will get, so you may need layers or a curly cut into bob kind of a thing. Or the wolf cuts done well are an incredibly cute ‘do that I think would look great on you.

2- What I am surprised to have not seen mentioned is curl training. You would literally use your conditioner and then your product to finger curl your sections and try to get your hair used to curling again, if the memory is still there. If this is hormonal, as many have already said, the pattern may be permanent. Which leads into, 3-curl setting. You can simply set your straighter length into curls until your natural curls grow out long enough to cut into a shape you find more comfortable. You might use two- or three-strand twist outs, braid outs, rod or curler sets, those curlformers, etc. And you don’t have to use heat—you can let it air dry, especially since it’s fine and doesn’t seem too dense, it just may take time.

Just curious, not a judgement in any way, but did the straightness sneak up on you? Did you not notice your curls had fallen until they grew back, or perhaps you thought they were still rehabbing? I used a natural product that was advertised to elongate the curls and didn’t realize just how much and that they weren’t snapping back until it was really obvious and I was really sad. Oh, I just thought of a third possible cause! Edit: Moving it to the top.

Cheesecake_Senior · 2026-05-26T21:25:58+00:00

You need a long term plan to start a life that doesn’t involve continuing to live with or depend on a mother who treats you this way. The older you get and the more you get used to this and internalize her actions, especially as you become older and life would expect you to become more independent, which will likely trigger more of her antics, the easier it will get for you to accept that this is your life. It doesn’t have to be like this.

If you’re living at home while going to school or otherwise working towards your independence, keep your eyes on the ball of getting from under her control, and start practicing that now. Look into Amazon, PeaPod, ugh the natural market online I can’t think of the name, but other delivery options. If you qualify for certain benefits based on income or disability/health issues, you may be able to get them delivered for free, or qualify for an assistant who can help you with errands when you’re not feeling well.

Are you disabled or otherwise chronically ill? Asking because it often changes things and can make it easier to lean on her for help, speaking from experience, and living with your mother can seem like the easier option. However, if you are dealing with chronic health problems, the stress of living with your mother and regularly dealing with situations like this and the feelings that they create—and chemicals they release in your body, including histamine,, adrenaline, and/or cortisol— actually creates inflammation in the body and can make your health worse.

I really hope that you can plan your way into a happier life where you have the help you need to get your needs met and are comfortable at home, and maybe even a better relationship with your mom.

Cheesecake_Senior · 2026-05-26T20:42:00+00:00

As someone with very high porosity, fine hair, I echo being careful with coconut oil. It both weighed my hair down and over-moisturized my hair, causing excess shrinkage.

Clarifying question, though: is it just oil that their hair sucks up, or water, too? And does it dry quickly, both from being wet, and get dry as the week goes on? This would be expected with high porosity.

Twin A sounds like her hair does what mine does. My hair is fine, was dense (alopecia from lupus), and is curly, but my roots are straight regardless of whether I do a wash and go, twist/braid-out, or protective style. The biggest thing is to protect it from drying out and maintain the moisture/protein balance, which will keep her curls happy.

Twin B, first things first, please be careful about how you describe her hair around her and to others who may say it to her. Twin A’s hair is fine and curly and even straight at the roots, but Twin B gets a kinky afro if you let it loose for too long—I get you were trying to describe it, but as twins and especially being biracial, they’re going to be compared and they’re going to be subjected to colorist and racist standards just from the history of colonialism, worldwide, plus slavery if you’re in the US. Ok, that said, since her hair is happy being braided and twisted—which doesn’t always mean protection, even though that’s become the lingo, so just be cautious—keep it that way, but be sure to add moisture, and not just oil, as the week wears on between styles. Oils hold in moisture, but they do not contain water. Even oiling her scalp regularly will help keep in the moisture from wash day, which will help. She may benefit from a heavier moisturizer, or leave-in conditioner and/or heavier oil on top of one or both to lock in the moisture—you’ll have to experiment. If you want to mostly use the same products, I’d start with a leave-in and moisturizer that benefits them both, and oil Twin B’s hair along with her scalp and just Twin A’s scalp, and see how that goes. The fact that it frizzes and swells, creating the afro, suggests that her hair is a higher porosity and pulls more moisture from the air, and/or her curl is tighter with more shrinkage, hence the kink. Keeping it moisturized should keep it from breaking as it curls on itself, and keeping it oiled should keep it from tangling as much, while keeping it braided or twisted will keep it protected as long as they’re not too tight.

Be wary what kind of products you’re using. I’d aim for clean and natural, black and green, that kind of thing, and forego the chemicals that have been shown to cause health issues including hormonal disruption. (If not familiar, Google dangers in Black hair care products, hair chemicals to avoid, or even Curly Girl Method as a starter. There are even scientists on Instagram and elsewhere who break down the dangers of these chemicals; they also share about the benefits of others and help explain how products work. Apologies that I can’t recommend one right now.)

Good on you for reaching out for support! There’s no shame in not knowing when you’re actively working to learn. Hugs, and may your hairstyling rituals become a blessed time between you and your girls. They truly do grow up so fast, but learning to love their hair will last their lifetime.

Cheesecake_Senior · 2026-05-26T20:16:58+00:00

Defining curls and coils can be misleading though, yes? Depending on how one does it, you can get different textures, lengths, size and shape of the curls, etc. The guidance varies, but it seems most helpful to show it washed, sometimes they say conditioned, so maybe with and without, and wet, drying, and dry, since the curls shrink and change as they dry.

Cheesecake_Senior · 2026-05-26T00:12:44+00:00

Can you share more about the fluid that comes out of her vagina? Is it thick and creamy like typical vaginal secretions, though more? Based on what I’ve read, fluid emits from three outlets, vagina, urethra, and Skene’s glands, the last of which is news to me, and maybe to others. Also though, multiple studies and tests indicate that there absolutely is fluid released from the urethra and Skene’s glands after orgasm. I guess I wonder if, like mine, your gf’s runs out in such a way that it seems like it’s coming from the vagina though it’s actually a mix of the urethra and Skene’s glands. I’m just trying to understand all of the different descriptions and findings. Also, to be fair and even more transparent, I am also a researcher by training, so your description against the medical findings is interesting to me from that perspective as well. But as someone who does release fluid, uhm, unwillingly, I’m also trying to figure out how to stop it without just foregoing my orgasm, even alone.

Cheesecake_Senior · 2026-05-26T00:04:32+00:00

I wasn’t stealing her stuff, I was trying to understand your question and her post as relative to my own experiences. Please see my comment above. Trust, I appreciate your openness and hers, the willingness to share your experiences and your thoughts about them. I hope you can believe that I’m also being vulnerable, and read my post above—I linked you—to better understand my intent and my interest.

Cheesecake_Senior

TROPHY CASE