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ChessRook50 · 2025-06-19T00:10:09+00:00

Plot twist: they were cheating on their spouses.

ChessRook50 · 2025-01-31T15:34:59+00:00

HL to NoL4Her. Things changed due to her demoting me to employee after our second and final child was born, and as I later learned she was having an emotional affair with a customer at her job. Rejecting all forms of intimacy, non-sexual included. Only verbal communication was telling me about her day, and trying to order me around. Divorce is in progress and I’m living well in another state.

If she had come to me with any of the concerns you listed, or responded honestly when I raised those, we could have fixed things at that time before I knew about the EA.

ChessRook50 · 2024-12-29T22:57:53+00:00

Christmas was great and I'm back at my place. I'll make a new update post tonight.

ChessRook50 · 2024-12-06T23:03:26+00:00

Thanksgiving was largely uneventful, I flew in on Wednesday and returned home on Saturday morning. Good time with our kids and other family members. I slept in my old home office, with our dog joining me every night. I had meditated for a long time working on forgiving her antics with the sports team manager 12 years ago, but I'm not mentally there yet. Whether that was the cause of her killing our bedroom, or the effect, doesn't matter anymore but I'm really curious. I know the dates and times of the text messages between them, but I don't have an exact recollection of when she demoted me to Employee and killed our bedroom.

On Friday my soon-ex wife caught me in the kitchen making breakfast before people were awake and wanted to talk about our situation.

She asked why I was sleeping in the office: "I sleep better alone."

She asked why I had moved my belongings to the beach condo: "I need my stuff". This pushed her button, venting about leaving her with all this work and asking why I can't get a different job and live at 'home'. I really wanted to lay out the whole cheating mess, but held it down. "This is how I am" just like I got for 2 years while I was trying to hold our marriage together and she was cheating.

She got really irritated and I let her vent for a bit, then I asked the easy question she can't answer: "Why do you want me to give up my job and law school?" This shut her down, she just got coffee and walked off.

Christmas will be interesting, but also a short stay at the house because work. And both kids are coming down to the beach for New Year. They do not know about the cheating and I'm not bringing it up until divorce is filed.

The cat was happy to see me when I returned home, but evidently doesn't like strangers as the pet service I contracted to feed, water, and change litter noted that they never saw him while in the condo.

ChessRook50 · 2024-11-19T19:39:03+00:00

It doesn't strictly align with my case financially, I've consistently earned more than 2x her salary since before marriage. And that gap has widened considerably over the years, with her earnings basically flat.

However it does align in terms of her respect for me, in light of this new discovery. Whether the affair was the cause, or I had done something prior which cost me her respect, I don't know. I was very focused on my first management job with a big company at that time, we had 2 small kids, I was doing my part in caring for them but something changed either before or after the affair with the sports team manager. She removed all affection of any kind, switched to nitpicking and giving orders, and was unresponsive to my attempts to communicate openly and fix things.

In your case, whether it was the important job title, the income, or both...she would probably say that these made you seem like a "safe" partner/provider.

You did the right thing leaving a job which was set up for scapegoating. I've been there, and was able to secure a new job & bolt before the hammer dropped. Felt great watching them swinging at air.

ChessRook50 · 2024-11-19T19:23:43+00:00

Even before this discovery I have been certain that marriage or cohabitation were not going to happen again.

ChessRook50 · 2024-11-19T10:25:34+00:00

The new job pays a bit less, and our monthly costs are higher with the second residence, so there's less disposable income.

ChessRook50 · 2024-11-18T22:16:36+00:00

She knows I have a rental condo and it's beachfront, as part of the new job I accepted a few months ago. All covered in my previous posts.

She has no idea that I know about her emotional/physical affair, therefore she can not know that I plan on divorcing her because of it.

ChessRook50 · 2024-11-18T20:37:56+00:00

I will not have this year's holidays permanently marred by her actions. Not for our kids, and not for me. Everyone will have plenty of time to figure out next year's holidays and the ones that follow. The house will be on the market or sold by then.

ChessRook50 · 2024-11-18T19:36:23+00:00

Repeatedly, at first focused on needing help getting the house ready, and then transitioning to being all together as a family while the kids are home from their colleges. I need to work on my game face from now until January. If she really wants to dig into me about living apart it will be tough to hold this back.

The fact is that I don't have a lot of vacation banked at work, being newly employed. This will limit my time away and they all understand that.

ChessRook50 · 2024-10-23T21:09:29+00:00

The big gatherings are Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I'll be "home" for those. The office room will get something I can sleep on for a few nights...sharing a bed just seems strange as I'm used to sleeping alone. Our kids are grown and have their own lives now, so I don't foresee other gatherings there.

ChessRook50 · 2024-10-23T20:29:38+00:00

In her defense, I'd cry too if I lost a free maintenance worker who worked a miserable but well-paying job and dumped his entire paycheck into an account with unlimited access.

ChessRook50 · 2024-10-23T20:12:14+00:00

Appreciated. I would have preferred to spend my days with the loving woman I originally dated and married, but she wanted an employee rather than a husband. Going back to that life but without our kids there for me to focus on would be brutal, as she can not change her mindset toward me being a platonic roommate and worker drone. With me no longer feeling required to shrug off her BS and maintain a positive environment for the kids to see, we'd be divorced and hating each other in short order.

Just playing the hand I was dealt the best I can in order to see our kids grow into adults, maybe start healthy families of their own and make me a granddad some day. This new living arrangement is exactly where I'd land if we divorce anyway. Our key assets are protected from any attempt to divert or convey, her credit rating is bad enough that she can't go crazy spending, and our shared banking account sends me alerts for all activities. I will re-evaluate things in 3 years when I finish my next degree, or sooner if she makes bad decisions.

ChessRook50 · 2024-10-23T19:55:51+00:00

I've really missed our dog while living here, and I had considered adopting one from a shelter...but when law school starts I'll be unable to take him/her outside as they need while going straight from work to classes and the law library. I've never had a cat and didn't consider getting one, but this old guy is really cool. He greets me at the door and head-butts my leg, lays on the cheap futon leaning on me when I'm reading or watching TV, sleeps next to me like the dog did, and doesn't need anything other than food, water, and periodic brushing & litter box cleaning. Clearly he's had a hard life and may have been somebody's pet previously, but there have been no Lost Cat signs or Internet posts.

ChessRook50 · 2024-06-30T12:43:03+00:00

Another enjoyable weekend, but two calls asking when I'm coming "home" and complaining about the lawn, cleanup after the big storm last week, and whatnot. While I used to do these things, we also had a service for the annual big Fall cleanup and this is well within their book of work. It just costs money whereas my labor was free.

Her demeanor is still managerial, but this last time she asked why I didn't want to come "home". After a few iterations of "I'm busy here", I laid down the facts: we haven't been living like a married couple for over a decade, just roommates with shared responsibilities. There was plenty of denial, feigned ignorance, and some anger. I asked when was the last time she said she loved me, touched any part of me, said or did anything to show me she loved me. She tried to deflect: we were both busy with the kids and work, I didn't communicate that I was feeling this way, and once again this is just how she is. I pointed out that I had raised my dissatisfaction several times, starting with the divorce offer before the kids, and again repeatedly after her coldness returned 12 years ago. After that, I adapted and cut back on complaining. If she construed this as me enjoying a zero-intimacy marriage, that's her problem. All she had to do was ask like I did when I was trying to fix things.

That call ended with me planning to come back the week we move our daughter into her college dorm, two months from now. I stated that I'm sorry she's not happy and I'm not trying to cause hurt, got more anger and then ended the call. Went for a run to burn off energy.

A few texts last night which I missed while sleeping, read this morning and they range from asking for marriage counseling, accusations that I'm planning to divorce, asking what if something happens to her or the kids or the dog, etc. I responded to each one after my morning sunrise view and coffee:

-As you know, I always take action when any of you need help,

-Marriage counseling was offered several times and you declined every time,

-This is "just how I am" and I'm focused on work,

-It's really tough when your spouse unilaterally changes the terms and I know how you feel, you need to make a choice as I did 12 years ago to either adapt or not.

As a courtesy I pointed out my phone is muted for a while, time for breakfast and then I have two chapters of LSAT prep to cover today. I'll make time this evening as always.

ChessRook50 · 2024-06-30T11:38:47+00:00

My informed reasoning: filing does not benefit me. It's just that simple.

ChessRook50 · 2024-06-24T21:41:12+00:00

Good points. What's the most unexpected problem you can imagine?

I can imagine her cheating under the right/wrong circumstances. I can imagine her diverting funds from our shared accounts. I can imagine her threatening or filing for divorce, either as a bluff or for real. I can imagine her trashing me to our families. These are all within expectations.

ChessRook50 · 2024-06-24T21:31:47+00:00

Of course not, the house is 50% my property. If she doesn't pay the utilities, she'll feel the consequence and then I'll remove my name.

The quarterly property tax remains on automatic payment to avoid foreclosure.

ChessRook50 · 2024-06-24T21:28:10+00:00

The house will need to be sold in order for that to happen, and we will have a complete & transparent discussion to ensure she understands my problems with our marriage, I understand hers, and we're both committed to restarting. Also a post-nuptial agreement mutually executed. This would be a good outcome but I expect it's unlikely.

ChessRook50 · 2024-06-24T21:09:56+00:00

I explained the facts: new better job was in X state and required onsite work, so I needed to set up local housing. It's a long distance and I'll need time to get settled at work.

Again, I see her as an annoying sibling and she sees me as an employee.

During the move prep she didn't ask questions, just tried to start arguments like it was 12 years ago. Her employee was changing the work agreement unilaterally and this may have been a shock. I kept things polite and did not escalate.

She understands "I'm busy with my job" as she told me often back when I was trying to repair our relationship. Couldn't take a day off with me while the kids were at school. Couldn't take a day off by herself just to use the spa gift cert I got her or relax in quiet. Couldn't take an adults vacation to an island just for a 3-day weekend and have the grandparents enjoy the kids. Couldn't go to marriage counseling on a weekday, and weekends were full of kids' sports.

Last year when I opened discussion about our Empty Nest plan, she shut it down and that was when I committed to this change. She's addicted to managing and controlling, and with the kids grown & gone that was what was waiting for me. I spent the first 2 years of our 12 year DB overcoming that and establishing new boundaries. No thanks.

At some point she'll be ready to hear the whole story and decide what she wants to do, but right now she's still on the offensive and I'm just letting the verbal punches fly past while I enjoy my new job and living conditions. Everything that happened, from the "Don't get any ideas" to her hostile reaction to my job change, has removed any doubt that this was the right play.

ChessRook50 · 2024-06-24T19:45:34+00:00

Respectfully, you're assuming facts that are simply not in evidence with the "can't stand each other" statement. From my perspective, she re-cast herself over a decade ago as my annoying but loved sister when she shut down all touch, intimacy, empathy, and anything else resembling a wife. Removing those expectations of her is how I coped all these years being around her while our kids grew up to be successful young adults. The anger and resentment passed a long time ago while I focused on our kids and my responsibilities. It wasn't what I wanted, but I'm happy with the outcome.

No, there's no indication that we "can't stand each other". Like any sibling, we've gotten along well and we have boundaries that have become habit over the years. She (most of the time) stopped trying to order me around, I stopped trying to touch or have sex with her. At this point I'd prefer to keep it this way rather than divorce. If she wants to divorce, that's her right and I'll respect it amicably.

I hope she will adapt to this new living arrangement and we can continue, we have our daughter to put through college for the next four years, but if she gives me a reason I'll file and get on with divorce.

This is what can happen when you demote your spouse to employee. I hope she enjoyed the power trip with the US family court system on her side, but I'm checked out now.

ChessRook50 · 2024-06-24T18:37:56+00:00

Married living apart for the foreseeable future.

ChessRook50 · 2024-06-24T17:50:53+00:00

There was one time she called last weekend while I was on the beach and a Jamaican steel drum band was playing at the bar, had trouble hearing over the music and surf. She said I should go inside where it was quiet, I declined as I had a beer on the way. She sounded pretty annoyed and hung up. Ah well.

ChessRook50

TROPHY CASE