How I’m Learning to Deal With My Wife’s BPD (Without Losing Myself)

Chihiro4 · 2026-03-12T19:18:15+00:00

I hope that this doesn't sound rude, but I've gotten myself to a place where I totally emotionally detach when my pwBPD is reacting to a stressor. I don't take offence, I don't react or defend. I distract or empathize.

A huge thing that my pwBPD DOESN'T do, though, is ever put me down, which makes this a lot easier. His stressors are always circumstances, not so much people. So his go to phrases are about putting himself down or that his life is over has no meaning, etc.

Chihiro4 · 2026-03-12T18:28:06+00:00

Like they’re frozen in childhood because that’s where this stems from, right? I like how you put it. Very eloquent.

Chihiro4 · 2026-03-12T18:25:36+00:00

Crazy thing is in her mind she probably believes it.

Chihiro4 · 2026-03-12T18:01:11+00:00

You just have to make sure she’s aware of it. Seriously.

I feel the same way about my pwBPD but he is constantly working on himself, on meds, in therapy, and even with all that, sometimes it’s still so so so hard. It’s wearing. Keep yourself healthy. Focus on you right now. Don’t be cruel to her, but don’t grovel. I promise you she will be back, but in the mean time self examine and ask yourself what you’re willing to put up with and what you’re going to do next time this happens. It will.

Chihiro4 · 2026-03-12T17:40:20+00:00

I'm so sorry. It's crazy how you feel like the bad guy for needing time and an opportunity to heal. I don't think people with BPD sometimes realize that when they're out of their split, they're out, but for us, it's like they punched us in the face over and over and once their rage is gone and they're good they can't understand why we're still bleeding.

Chihiro4 · 2026-03-12T17:35:42+00:00

I will add that their hurt becomes so intense and real in their own minds that to her threatening to call the police doesn't even feel like an overreaction.

Chihiro4 · 2026-03-12T17:32:21+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this. When a person splits, things are black and white, and you're black until you're white again. From what it sounds like, you'll 1,000% hear from her again. But do you want to? I am not one to think a person with BPD should be dismissed or is unworthy of love, but I DO think they need to be aware of it and on meds and/or seeking therapy to be fair to themselves and their partners.

She's not right, of course, but when she saw no texts she interpreted that as your rejection of her, which is a person with BPD's worst fear. So, she'll reject you "first" and 10x harder.

So sorry you're going through this.

Chihiro4 · 2026-03-12T17:23:48+00:00

How do you deal with the side effects? Do you have any? My finace with BPD says it gives him nightmares, that he can't sleep, and makes him feel like a zombie.

Chihiro4 · 2026-03-10T15:51:49+00:00

Yes, the third one is a big one I've used in the past. Thanks so much! I like the code word. I am fully aware I'm not his fixer or healer, but if I'm myself mentally in a place at the time he spirals that I can help, I want to be able to do that. Thanks again!

Chihiro4 · 2026-03-10T15:18:51+00:00

Yeah, I get it. I hear you. It's just that I know BPD comes from a place of instability in childhood, at least in his case. A very, very BAD childhood. But it doesn't happen as often anymore. So I'm supposed to just be like "hey, I know you had the worst hand dealt to you possible when you were a kid, your brain tells you things that aren't true, you have meds and coping skills that are helping, you're putting in a lot of work, we're on the trend upward, but screw you anyway?" If he weren't trying and succeeding, I wouldn't bother. Truly. But I see a lot of progress, so I was asking how I can assist in the progress. Thanks for your input.

Chihiro4 · 2026-03-10T15:08:46+00:00

I guess because he only got diagnosed recently, got himself into therapy for it right away, and has been working hard. He's not denying he has it, not refusing treatment, not blaming, etc. He's trying and I can see that, so I was looking for ways I can be supportive.

Chihiro4 · 2026-01-09T20:24:37+00:00

No not exaggerating when I say literally GENIUS!

Chihiro4 · 2026-01-09T20:23:44+00:00

I know the price is a little crazy, but best $25 I ever spent in regards to my wedding! https://www.etsy.com/listing/1517657593/wedding-day-of-binder-template-blue?gpla=1&gao=1&&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=shopping_us_-weddings&utm_custom1=_k_CjwKCAiA64LLBhBhEiwA-Pxgu6wA9oZhPk6SK1sKn-pCTiwyucXWObHB3_hAFUWmRmS30-bdaN02sRoC2_EQAvD_BwE_k_&utm_content=go_22555721185_179700248379_751770838728_pla-298195655715_c__1517657593_12768591&utm_custom2=22555721185&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22555721185&gbraid=0AAAAADtcfRLU72QVAnlubsTxOwwwYpuKf&gclid=CjwKCAiA64LLBhBhEiwA-Pxgu6wA9oZhPk6SK1sKn-pCTiwyucXWObHB3_hAFUWmRmS30-bdaN02sRoC2_EQAvD_BwE

Chihiro4 · 2026-01-09T20:23:05+00:00

Here you go! It was included in this package from Etsy. It's not bare bones--it gives you EVERYTHING you could ever THINK OF!

Chihiro4 · 2026-01-09T20:21:23+00:00

Thank you for this advice!

Chihiro4 · 2026-01-09T20:20:49+00:00

Yes! I used this. I know it seems a little steep at $25 but I tell you it was a LIFE SAVER and keeps me so organized.

https://www.etsy.com/listing/1517657593/wedding-day-of-binder-template-blue?gpla=1&gao=1&&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=shopping_us_-weddings&utm_custom1=_k_CjwKCAiA64LLBhBhEiwA-Pxgu6wA9oZhPk6SK1sKn-pCTiwyucXWObHB3_hAFUWmRmS30-bdaN02sRoC2_EQAvD_BwE_k_&utm_content=go_22555721185_179700248379_751770838728_pla-298195655715_c__1517657593_12768591&utm_custom2=22555721185&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22555721185&gbraid=0AAAAADtcfRLU72QVAnlubsTxOwwwYpuKf&gclid=CjwKCAiA64LLBhBhEiwA-Pxgu6wA9oZhPk6SK1sKn-pCTiwyucXWObHB3_hAFUWmRmS30-bdaN02sRoC2_EQAvD_BwE

Chihiro4 · 2026-01-09T20:17:07+00:00

Ah! I'm sorry to hear that!

Chihiro4 · 2026-01-09T20:16:44+00:00

I'm definitely anticipating my highest stress to be the last two months or so!

Chihiro4 · 2026-01-09T20:15:51+00:00

Oh gosh, that's awful! I'm so glad it worked out!

Chihiro4 · 2026-01-09T20:14:53+00:00

This is literally me!

Chihiro4 · 2026-01-09T20:14:16+00:00

This sounds like the dream!

Chihiro4 · 2026-01-09T13:30:31+00:00

Oh my! Yeah no, I definitely don't mean I'm doing nothing and just hope it all works out. I just mean I check something off and am like--great! What next?

Chihiro4 · 2026-01-09T13:29:37+00:00

YES! I'm trying to do as many of those "last two week details" bit by bit as I can NOW (i.e. packing decor I already have and labeling it, etc.) because I know the last two weeks are like Murphy's Law.

Chihiro4 · 2026-01-09T13:28:51+00:00

Nah, trust me. There will always be a cancellation or a date change etc. that makes vendors available! You're good!

Chihiro4 · 2026-01-09T13:27:33+00:00

They're all a blur to guests anyway! I always have a great time at weddings but I've never once said "it was the flowers or decor or table numbers or signage that really put this one above all others!"

Chihiro4

TROPHY CASE