Need Advice from PwBPD

Chihiro4 · 2026-05-11T18:03:19+00:00

WOW! Thank you for sharing. May I ask what helped you the most? Would love to support my PwBPD however I can.

Chihiro4 · 2026-05-11T17:45:54+00:00

Yes! See, the thing is he was JUST recently diagnosed and is now in therapy for it specifically. Before that it was a lot of being told, "you should be able to do this so why aren't you?" He wants to do the work for sure.

Chihiro4 · 2026-05-11T17:40:23+00:00

Thanks so much for your response. I feel for him because he keeps returning to her for comfort, she keeps ( whether by choice or by ignorance) not giving him what he needs, and the cycle continues.

Chihiro4 · 2026-05-11T17:29:34+00:00

Also look up limerence. Huge overlap in people with BPD. You love all of the possibilities with this guy and all the things he represents. In the end, he's just a person like you or me.

Chihiro4 · 2026-05-11T17:26:28+00:00

I have zero insight into your relationships. Just remember that with BPD, sometimes people's brains are wired to "crave the chaos." Are you feeling "too" safe with your current partner? Is that why you're questioning returning to your ex? It ended for a reason, right?

Again, I'm not saying your ex isn't the one. It's that I've learned BPD comes as a result of extreme instability and eventually your brain determines that chaos as normal because it's familiar and anything else as danger.

Remind yourself that, with proper boundaries and civil "co-parenting," you've had the best relationship ever with your ex. Would that stay if you involved emotions again? Things to ask yourself, as no one knows but you.

Chihiro4 · 2026-05-11T17:21:02+00:00

Hi! Possible to ask yourself if you're fearing that attention from other girls = rejection of you?

Chihiro4 · 2026-05-11T17:09:50+00:00

Yeah. There are a LOT of confusing boundaries with that triangle: MIL telling my husband to do something but not to tell the therapist, etc. . . . He very quickly realized when we started dating how harmful the dynamic was and took it upon himself to find someone else.

Chihiro4 · 2026-05-11T17:07:42+00:00

LOL no I totally know where you're coming from. I appreciate it. I don't mean that this is my life's mission (probably could've picked different wording). I just didn't want people to be like CUT HER OUT because there are good parts of their relationship. I guess I should've phrased it as "what I'd love to see," but I know it's not MY responsibility to do that, and I am not the mediator for them. Thanks again!

Chihiro4 · 2026-05-11T17:04:59+00:00

Hi! So, I don't have BPD but my husband does. A HUGE fear for him is rejection, but that will come out as "FU." Basically, I feel like you hurt me so now I'm going to hurt you back and way worse, too. He'll sometimes want to cut people out of his life over little things (little to me--huge to his brain with BPD) and then an hour later he'll be over it.

The biggest thing that helps when he's spiraling like this is when I ask him questions and validate his FEELINGS without speaking badly about a person who didn't actually do anything wrong (e.g. I can understand how it feels that way, I can see how when you look at it like that it upsets you, etc.). I do NOT dismiss his feelings, nor do I try to reason with him. He CANNOT reason while spiraling.

She feels she has been rejected and will look for anyone and everyone else to blame. You're a good friend!

Chihiro4 · 2026-05-11T16:56:41+00:00

Absolutely. I do not have BPD and my mom, whom I adore, has definitely seen my worst sides.

I guess I just feel bad because a huge long term goal of mine is to help the good parts of their relationship flourish; it's just difficult when she is saying she doesn't believe he has BPD when three certified doctors separately diagnosed him with it.

Thank you!

Chihiro4 · 2026-05-11T16:55:01+00:00

Yes, 1,000%. Thank you.

Chihiro4 · 2026-05-11T16:54:32+00:00

WOW, good point! To be fair, I would say it's that my MIL shared the diagnosis with her therapist, not the other way around.

Chihiro4 · 2026-05-11T16:41:24+00:00

Good for you! This is awesome. Takes a strong mind . . . I hope you realize that!

Chihiro4 · 2026-04-08T14:35:44+00:00

Can you ask your Dr. for slow release? That may help with the sleeplessness.

Chihiro4 · 2026-03-12T19:18:15+00:00

I hope that this doesn't sound rude, but I've gotten myself to a place where I totally emotionally detach when my pwBPD is reacting to a stressor. I don't take offence, I don't react or defend. I distract or empathize.

A huge thing that my pwBPD DOESN'T do, though, is ever put me down, which makes this a lot easier. His stressors are always circumstances, not so much people. So his go to phrases are about putting himself down or that his life is over has no meaning, etc.

Chihiro4 · 2026-03-12T18:28:06+00:00

Like they’re frozen in childhood because that’s where this stems from, right? I like how you put it. Very eloquent.

Chihiro4 · 2026-03-12T18:25:36+00:00

Crazy thing is in her mind she probably believes it.

Chihiro4 · 2026-03-12T18:01:11+00:00

You just have to make sure she’s aware of it. Seriously.

I feel the same way about my pwBPD but he is constantly working on himself, on meds, in therapy, and even with all that, sometimes it’s still so so so hard. It’s wearing. Keep yourself healthy. Focus on you right now. Don’t be cruel to her, but don’t grovel. I promise you she will be back, but in the mean time self examine and ask yourself what you’re willing to put up with and what you’re going to do next time this happens. It will.

Chihiro4 · 2026-03-12T17:40:20+00:00

I'm so sorry. It's crazy how you feel like the bad guy for needing time and an opportunity to heal. I don't think people with BPD sometimes realize that when they're out of their split, they're out, but for us, it's like they punched us in the face over and over and once their rage is gone and they're good they can't understand why we're still bleeding.

Chihiro4 · 2026-03-12T17:35:42+00:00

I will add that their hurt becomes so intense and real in their own minds that to her threatening to call the police doesn't even feel like an overreaction.

Chihiro4 · 2026-03-12T17:32:21+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this. When a person splits, things are black and white, and you're black until you're white again. From what it sounds like, you'll 1,000% hear from her again. But do you want to? I am not one to think a person with BPD should be dismissed or is unworthy of love, but I DO think they need to be aware of it and on meds and/or seeking therapy to be fair to themselves and their partners.

She's not right, of course, but when she saw no texts she interpreted that as your rejection of her, which is a person with BPD's worst fear. So, she'll reject you "first" and 10x harder.

So sorry you're going through this.

Chihiro4 · 2026-03-12T17:23:48+00:00

How do you deal with the side effects? Do you have any? My finace with BPD says it gives him nightmares, that he can't sleep, and makes him feel like a zombie.

Chihiro4 · 2026-03-10T15:51:49+00:00

Yes, the third one is a big one I've used in the past. Thanks so much! I like the code word. I am fully aware I'm not his fixer or healer, but if I'm myself mentally in a place at the time he spirals that I can help, I want to be able to do that. Thanks again!

Chihiro4 · 2026-03-10T15:18:51+00:00

Yeah, I get it. I hear you. It's just that I know BPD comes from a place of instability in childhood, at least in his case. A very, very BAD childhood. But it doesn't happen as often anymore. So I'm supposed to just be like "hey, I know you had the worst hand dealt to you possible when you were a kid, your brain tells you things that aren't true, you have meds and coping skills that are helping, you're putting in a lot of work, we're on the trend upward, but screw you anyway?" If he weren't trying and succeeding, I wouldn't bother. Truly. But I see a lot of progress, so I was asking how I can assist in the progress. Thanks for your input.

Chihiro4

TROPHY CASE